”Oh man! My first week of 2019 sure was bonkers! A little girl who lives next door to me came to my house with her parents handing out flyers for her lost cat. I suggested to them that they check the local neighborhood nerd’s house, since nerd’s crotches almost always smell like tuna fish, and cats are drawn to tuna. They all looked at me like I was crazy for some reason. I couldn’t sleep that night thinking about that poor girl missing her cat, so at 3am it I decided to walk 5 blocks to the neighborhood nerd’s house and break in to search for the cat.


I looked around for a while, and didn’t see much other than the things you would expect to find in a typical nerd’s house (dungeons and dragons books, jugs of tomato juice, video games, a thigh master etc), but then to my horror I discovered a room with several bloody cat collars hanging from nails in the wal!! The ceiling was covered with photos of a nerd strangling cats to death with his thighs! I tried to run out the front door, but something in the shadows had tripped me! As I struggled to regain my balance, a felt the barrel of a gun press against the back of my head “You can outrun me jock, but you can’t outrun a bullet!”


I turned around, and it was a nerdy man with blood and fur all over his naked thighs! The left side of his face was covered in bleeding pimples that looked like something had scratched them open! I asked him why he would hurt such innocent animals, he said that cats were nature’s jocks and that they were keeping the mouse-man down. Then his nose started to stretch several feet in front of his body and his ears grew to the size of basketballs, and he shit a very long log that served as his tail. I tried to run but he shot my foot and I fell, however then I realized that mice like cheese, and if this nerdy man-mouse saw his own feta cheese thighs he would eat himself to death!


I crawled toward my neighbors house and screamed for her to bring a mirror outside, but her dad came out with a baseball bat and asked what the hell was going on. I told him that I needed to speak to his 9 year old daughter immediately so I can rescue her pussy from nerdy feta cheese thighs, but for some reason her dad got angry and started beating me up I blacked out and when I woke up I was in a cell! Why the hell was I put in jail for trying to save a little girl’s beloved pet! Than I heard a nasally voice call from the other end of my cell “hey asshole, you know what we do to pedophiles in here..”


I turned around and it was a gang of nerds! “We strangle them!” My mom offered to post bail but I decided I would rather stay in here instead. Some of these nerds are real nice, one even snuck a computer in for me between his thighs so I could type this”