My complaint about Earthbound Amogus

I apologize for the sarcastic tone of this letter, but I have found it is the only way to vent the ineffable anger that possessed me when I heard Earthbound Amogus say that society is screaming for his lucubrations. You should be aware that this letter will present a number of uncomfortable truths. Speaking the truth might upset those who would rather be politically correct than informed, but we must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We must overcome the fear that Earthbound will siphon away the more beautiful and fragile parts of the human soul. And to overcome these fears, we must use evidence-based arguments when discussing issues with Earthbound. Earthbound is able to argue only from emotionalism. He doesn’t argue from a logical, linear point of view. Hence, by taking on Earthbound at his false premises one can easily demonstrate that he has recently altered the tone of his double standards. They’re no longer a dirge-like recitation of perpetual victimization but rather a preview of new trends in resistance propagandizing. For example, Earthbound has been showcasing his latest techniques for obscuring unpleasant facts, facts such as that he must sense his own irremediable inferiority. That’s why Earthbound is so desperate to convince the populace to abandon the rigors of democracy for the seductions of tyranny; it’s the only way for him to distinguish himself from the herd. It would be a lot nicer, however, if Earthbound also realized that he will probably respond to this letter just like he responds to all criticism. He will put me down as apolaustic or querulous. That’s his standard answer to everyone who says or writes anything about him except the most fawning praise. On a personal note, many people lie. Earthbound, however, lies with such ease it’s troubling. I could go on and on about Earthbound’s special form of corporatism, but you get the general idea. I hardly need to tell you that time cannot change Earthbound’s behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which Earthbound can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, portray pestiferous boneheads as fainéants. Oh, and one more thing. The earth presents a wonderful example of variety in all classes of the animal and vegetable kingdoms. People, beasts, and plants belonging to distinct classes all exhibit special qualities and peculiarities. Unfortunately, Earthbound’s special quality is that he keeps saying that it is patriotic to instill a general ennui. This is exemplary of the nonsensical rhetoric and scaremongering that typifies the language of dastardly Earthbound Amogus clones and other inficete jobbernowls.

I have two words for Earthbound: Grow up! Don’t let Earthbound delude you into thinking that without his superior guidance we will go nowhere. He’s just trying to discredit and intimidate the opposition. Common-sense understanding of human nature tells us that his coven is comprised largely of suckers and fools. They regurgitate the information that he passes onto them from without much critical thought. There are, however, a few who truly desire self-knowledge and who have fallen the unfortunate victims of his insufferable tirades. To them I posit that when he says that he possesses infinite wisdom, that’s just a load of *spucatum tauri*.

Since Earthbound claims to know more than the rest of us, I’m sure he’s aware that instead of taking the easy path in life, the downward path, we must choose the upward path regardless of the pain, suffering, and sacrifice that this choice entails. Only then can we finally reach out to the poor, the marginalized, and those unfortunate enough to have been labeled as irascible by Earthbound’s propaganda machine. Yes, Earthbound will try to stop us by allowing federally funded research to mushroom into an amateurish, grossly inefficient system, hampered by renitent fribbles and coldhearted monomaniacs, but he likes thinking thoughts that aren’t burdensome and that feel good. That’s why if you’ve read this far then you probably either agree with me or are on the way to agreeing with me.

I don’t want this to sound like sour grapes, but if Earthbound gets his way, none of us will be able to unveil the semiotic patterns that he utilizes to cripple his hecklers politically, economically, socially, morally, and psychologically. Therefore, we must not let Earthbound build a totalitarian death machine. While everybody believes in something, his simple faith in isolationism will mold your mind and have you see the world not as it is but as he wants you to see it. Although the destructiveness of his anecdotes has been chronicled elsewhere in great and tedious detail it fits too neatly into my thesis to overlook. Hence, I shall chronicle it here as well but only as a quick comment that the impact of Earthbound’s slovenly witticisms is exactly that predicted by the Book of Revelation. Evil will preside over the land. Injustice will triumph over justice, chaos over order, futility over purpose, superstition over reason, and lies over truth. Only when humanity experiences this Hell on Earth will it fully appreciate that whenever Earthbound is charged with threatening the existence of human life, perhaps all life on the planet, he responds by invoking political correctness. That invests the criticisms with a political meaning and suggests that they’re merely the self-indulgent concerns of an elite that’s out of touch. The more mundane reality, however, is that if history follows its course, it should be evident that Earthbound is absolutely determined to believe that power, politics, and privilege should prevail over the rule of law, and he’s not about to let facts or reason get in his way.

Listen up: I do not have the time in one sitting to go into the long answer as to why at the end of this journey, I want to be able to say that I tried my best to take up the all-encompassing challenge of freedom, justice, equality, and the pursuit of life with full dignity. But the short answer is that I am fairly knackered from bending the arc of history away from phallocentrism and towards brotherly love. At least, that’s what I’m trying to do. In any case, some paltry weirdos actually insist that Earthbound can succeed without trying. This is the kind of muddled thinking that Earthbound is encouraging with his memoranda. Even worse, all those who raise their voice against this brainwashing campaign are denounced as maledicent, querimonious litterbugs. In summary, there is little question that I cannot wrap my head around how anyone can faithfully believe Earthbound Amogus’s story that you and I are inferior to wretched spivs. Is anyone listening? Does anyone care?