Alright, so a lot of you are having trouble lasting in No Nut November. Or maybe it’s No Finger February when you’re reading this, that works too.

So, for those of you who, despite all odds, have made it this far, I have to give you a final tip to help you succeed and last the whole month. Well, it’s less of a tip and more of just the statement of a few obvious facts, and a conclusion reached through the process of logical deduction.

Masturbation is the big gay.

Now, some of you might not understand why this is, so allow me to explain.

There are a few premises which we can state as givens:

* If you’re a man, and you consensually touch a man sexually, then that’s gay.
* If you’re a man, and you consensually get touched by a man sexually, then that’s gay.
* If you consensually touch a person who you are closely related to sexually, then that’s incest.

You can replace “man” with “woman” in all of those premises, and with all of the times the word is used henceforth, and it will be equally true.

Then we have a second premise:

* If you masturbate, then you are a man consensually touching a man, and a man consensually being touched by a man, and a person touching a person who you are closely related to.

Thus, we can reach the conclusion:

* Masturbation is double gay, and incestuous.

Now, some people might try to argue that during masturbation, men will think about women, thus it isn’t gay. However, this is invalid, as all can agree that gay sex is gay, even if you’re thinking about women during it. And masturbation is just singleplayer gay sex. Therefore, even if your only thought is of women, you’re still gay.

So, the next time you think that you might lose No Nut November, remember that doing so is the big gay.