its so fun going into a catatonic state of self-loathing at six in the fucking morning
listening to laptop daze music and thinking on how it was the best time of your life(edited)
and how you threw it all away by being a stupid fucking cunt
with a skin made of wet napkin and a sense of humor as dry as the sahara
unable to admit your own failings
living as a meaningless ball of anger hell bent on displaying your hackneyed, trite little troubles to a world that couldn’t give a shit
and in knowing no one gave a shit you kept going
as if looking for some kind of validation
and thinking on how far you’ve come
how you’ve suffered mentally to get to the point you’re at now
you’ve fixed all your problems to the best that you possibly could
you started looking at the world happily
you stopped being a dick to people
you started minding your words before they came out of your mouth
and looking back seeing it couldn’t have possibly fucking mattered
because here i sit
stranded in my room with not a soul to send me help
no school friends to give me a reason to leave
to invite me to abandon my miserable sedentary existence
old friendships hardly hanging on to an internet induced thread and producing rotten fruit
just further highlighting what i’ve lost
friendships i do have failing to bring me that euphoric joy i once got from them
every bit of it highlighting how much it didn’t matter
how no matter how hard you tried to improve yourself
no matter how fucked you made everything just to please others
that you’re still inadequate
something is still keeping you from having those old friendships
something is keeping people at school from wanting you around
something is keeping you from enjoying what you have
and it kills me to wonder what that is
to sit in this dark room and contemplate what i’m doing wrong
and to give up asking
and to just utter those unbearable truths to myself
that i’m the stupid fucking cuck kid
someone whose physical features and personality are just too awful and unfun to want around
someone who no matter what he does
will always just be inadequate
a worthless pile of cells doomed to write moody vent posts on discord and waste away in his little box
until he dies alone
just as inadequate as he was when he was 12