As a vampire hunter myself, I usually need to rack my brains to remember all of these steps, so I put them all into this neat and tidy list. If you want to kill a vampire, make sure to read through it, check everything off, and not try to cut corners. Seriously. Don’t cut any corners, or all the work you put in is going to be for nothing.

To kill a vampire:

 1: Obtain a Stake made of mistletoe.

2: Obtain a holy wafer made with kaolinite clay, Xylose, Fructose, pure Silver extract, Vanilla, garlic salt, (not garlic and salt,) And holy water blessed by the pope, the Imam, the Chairman of the Board of the religious technology center, and Charles Mansion. The holy wafer must be 225 mm \* 112.5 mm \* 75 mm in proportion.

3: Master tai chi. (this step can be skipped if you have killed a vampire before.)

4: Desecrate the vampire’s coffin.

5: Trick the vampire into asking “Who’s Joe?”.

6: Joe Mama.

7: While the vampire is stunned, drive the stake through its heart.

8: Return the vampire, face up, to the desecrated coffin.

9: Give the vampire a proper funeral.

10: Place the holy wafer into the vampire’s mouth.

11: Make sure that the holy wafer is secure in the vampire’s mouth and will not be dislodged.

12: burn the vampire’s body in the coffin. Be careful not to destroy the coffin or holy wafer yet.

13: Seal the coffin.

14: Give the vampire its burial rites. (ONLY the ceremonies, do NOT actually bury the vampire.)

15: Wait for the new moon. (That’s the opposite of a full moon.)

16: Start a funeral pyre.

17: Place the coffin onto the pyre.

18: Stand facing towards the pyre, head pointed downward, for at least 73 minutes. You must not let yourself see the flames for this entire duration. If you do, start over from step 9, skipping step 10. (Unseal the coffin, but do not remove the wafer.)

19: gather the ashes.

20: Wait at least 2 days, but no more than 7.

21: Spread the ashes out over holy grounds.

22: Build and consecrate a church and cemetery on the holy land.

23: Bury at least 30 people in the cemetary, at least 1 of them killed by the vampire’s bite and at least 5 of them children.

24: Hold a mass funeral & burial rites for the children and victim(s) buried. (Burial rites can happen up to one week after the bodies are buried, if you wait too long, you’ll have to unbury and rebury them.)

25: On the full moon, unbury the victims, turn them face down, and bury them again. (All other bodies buried at the site should be buried face down the first time. These bodies *must* be buried face up until the full moon. \[Do not urinate on the bodies, bury them in coffins decorated with the wrong holy symbols, or otherwise desecrate the victim(s)’ coffins. If you are unsure of a victim’s religion, a blank coffin will do fine. You may bury them with any amount of possessions with them the first time so long as they are fully clothed, but any possessions they are buried with must not be removed during the unburial and reburial.\])

26: Hold a wake with the pope and the illuminati in attendance. Serve only kosher foods, and make sure that it goes over well, without confrontation.

 Congratulations! Now you can relax without worrying about the vampire coming back to life.

The early steps (4 and 5 specifically,) are the most dangerous and combative, and where most vampire killings fail. Although not strictly necessary, silver weapons and bullets, holy water, and general combat capacity make this a lot easier. DO NOTE: mastering tai chi IS necessary: only a tai chi master will be able to insert the holy wafer into the vampire’s mouth. If anyone who has not mastered tai chi attempts to insert the wafer, it will turn to dust and you will be in deep trouble.