In my 19 miserable years on this planet I have yet to meet a Kia driver who knows how to drive a fucking car.

I used to be happy once; I was a friendly and sociable child, and I looked forward to all the future had to offer me. Life was wonderful and I had hoped and dreams. All that changed once I got my driver’s license at the naïve young age of 16 and experienced my first Kia sighting.

Oh, what a fool I was. From that day on, I was a changed woman. The ungodly levels of vehicular stupidity that my virgin eyes were forced to witness… And to this day, I have yet to encounter a Kia being driven by anything other than a braindead vegetable behind the steering wheel.

Every single Kia I encounter is worse than the last. At first, I thought I could learn to ignore them… nowadays, I see no moral issue with bringing back public execution for traffic offenders. I could see myself falling in love with a man, getting married, having three kids, and living a happy life with him for 10 years until he admits to me that he’s thinking about buying a Kia, in which case I would divorce his ass, take the kids, file a restraining order against the bastard and sign myself up for therapy.

Every morning, I wake up and scream into the void for 10 minutes. Every night, I furiously masturbate to the idea of planting a bomb in every fucking godforsaken Kia dealership in this shithole excuse for a country and rounding up every single Kia driver to be placed in camps where THEY TEACH THEM HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE. AND THEN THEY EXECUTE THEM AFTERWARDS BECAUSE IT’S SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TEACH A HUSK OF A HUMAN WHOSE BRAIN HAS BEEN SURGICALLY REPLACED WITH A JAR OF MAYONNAISE TO DRIVE.

WHY HAS THE UNIVERSE ALLOWED ME TO BE BORN ONTO A PLANET WHERE KIA DRIVERS ARE ALLOWED TO REPRODUCE, PLEASE JUST FUCKING KILL ME GOD I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE PLEASE JUST PULL THE DAMN TRIGGER.