Augh! I hate it when my computer combusts because my own blood for my blood bag is spilling on my computer! Ah! If only there was some way to fix this… \*SLAP\* of course! The solution was **FLEX TAPE!**

FLEX TAPE. Okay you heard about this stuff? I mean this is basically have you heard of **JESUS**?!? Well even He couldn’t do as much as FLEX TAPE, apparently.

I had never heard of FLEX TAPE until I was in the pub, and out of the corner of my eye I happened to catch, uh, this infomercial about FLEX TAPE, so I’m gonna let Phil do the talking for you, cuz I want you to- I want you to be a sold on FLEX TAPE as I am. Disclaimer: I am not actually sponsored in any way by FLEX TAPE, although I wish I was… \*wink\* *CALL ME*

Alright I’m just gonna let you enjoy this for yourself. Here we go this is **FLEX TAPE**.

*Hi Phil Swift here for FLEX TAPE, the super strong waterproof tape* ***\*SLAP\**** *that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! \*SLAP\** You gotta love it’s always a guy like Phil Swift! Johnny Star! You never get a guy coming out like “it’s me, Josphi Krakowski with FLEX TAPE!”

*Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but FLEX TAPE grips on tight and bonds instantly. Plus, FLEX TAPEs powerful adhesive is so strong… it even works underwater!*

You still left the other one Phil! You’ve done a half a job and you got a full smile!

*FLEX TAPE keeps its grip even in the toughest conditions!* That is not the toughest conditions. That looks like you’re going through a car wash. Who’ya think you foolin’?

*\*CRASH\* Big storms can—*

Alright THAT might be the toughest conditions! You scared me! That wasn’t even— does this have anything to do with FLEX TAPE? Are you alright, Phil?

*FLEX TAPE is perfect for marine,* ***camp****ers, and RVs!*

I love on these commercials literally it’s like “you could just use this on anything! Ah, open heart surgery? Guys got an artery going— FLEX TAPE!”

Well honestly what they should do in these infomercials is just tell you what it can’t do- just tell you the three or four things that FLEX TAPE can’t fix— “a broken marriage! Even then, shown- shown to be slightly more effective than placebo!”

*FLEX TAPE is super strong!*

\*astonished sound effect\* FLEX TAPE ain’t super strong, Phil— YOU’RE super strong!

*And once it’s on, it holds on tight!* \[Edgy awkward fanart joke\] \*RRR\* *To show you the power of FLEX TAPE— \*NERWWMMM CRASH\*… I sawed this boat in half!*

Phil what does that have to do with tape? No okay- I want to- tell me how the f\*\*\*- what does that got to do FLEX TAPE?

*I sawed this boat in half! and repaired it with only FLEX TAPE.*

You repaired it with **ONLY** FLEX TAPE. I’m sure you did.

*YE DOGGIE!*

AND YOU’RE ON THE BOAT! HE’S ON THE F\*\*\*ING BOAT! I’m sorry does that say 12 inch wide FLEX TAPE used on both inside and outside of the boat… Oh, see, you got to make sure to use it both on the inside and the outside. There is no f\*\*\*ing way that the only thing they used to put that boat back together is tape- I’ll eat my…. I’ll eat my f\*\*\*ing FLEX TAPE!

*Imagine everything you can do with the power of FLEX TAPE!*

All right I got FLEX TAPE. For real. Let’s see if this works.

\*by running sink\*

All right, I no longer want water! OH S\*\*\*

Okay moment of truth \*shower\* \*WHACK\* OH JEEZ

\*in dumb voice directed toward cat\* C’mere… c’mere now… plug up those eyes that nose is STILL BREATHING…

\*picture of guy I don’t know\* \*FLEX TAPE\* There we go… all **patched** up.

**\*EPIC JOKE\***

The next one we have is FLEX **SEAL…** FLEX SEAL liquid let’s have a look at this

Oh great Phil, our prometheus… what fire of knowledge do you bring us mortals today?

\*Phil in front of FLEX SEALed colander\*

*Phil Swift here for FLEX SEAL— the easy way to stop leaks fast!*

That’s a colander, Phil. It’s supposed to have holes and leaks. What you’ve done is essentially you’ve made a bowl.

*The easy way to stop leaks fast!* **PHIL YOU MAKE ME ANGRY PHIL!** \*grabs pan\* **Could’ve just grabbed one of these, Phil! Don’t need FLEX SEAL! Look at its curvature! The easy way to have a bowl without creating one out of a colander!**

*And now, there’s FLEX SEAL liquid, the super thick rubber that you could pour right into cracks!*

You could! You could- pour it right into cracks. You could do that, \*philosophical voice\* *but why*? Why would you do that? Why would you do any of that?

*Even dip all your tools, for a tough no slip grip!*

EVEN DIP ALL YOUR TOOLS?! I can understand the other two, like, there’s some application, but how do you go from like “you can stop water from going through cracks… weatherproof some of your outdoor materials…. dip your tools in this s\*\*\*, I don’t know!”

\*JonTron with power drill above bucket of FLEX SEAL\*

This product is worthless in its current state. \*DIP\* Now **that’s** good… just get that right in there, just soak that right up. Now you could basically see that \*spinning drill\* this is- a 100% improved product, thank you FLEX SEAL.

**\*BUT WAIT!! THERE’S MORE!!\***

\*JonTron with Bacardi\*

Grandpa been hitting the sauce a little too much? Think he’s a little too old for that? \*DIP\* Done. He ain’t getting in there.

**\*GRANDPAS HATE HIM!!!\***

\*Jon with fork\*

Broken item. \*DIP\* Fixed.

\*CA-CHING\* \*cash flutters\*

*To show you the incredible sealing power of FLEX SEAL liquid—*

Here it comes, heeeere it comes…

*We made this entire airboat and covered it in FLEX SEAL liquid!*

Another boat? Are you serious?

*After a day on the water,*

Aaaaand he’s riding it again. Phil, you did not just roll some FLEX SEAL on that and go out in f\*\*\*ing gator-infested waters. I know you didn’t. Uh, disclaimer: multiple coats used. Yeh, we didn’t just, you know, slap some of that s\*\*\* on and send it out.

*And the inside is completely dry!*

“I can scarcely believe this is working at all! I guarantee you, in a minute or two, this whole operation’s gonna come apart I’m gonna fall the water I- I might go blind for life!”

All right, we got one more here, we got the FLEX SEAL Extreme Bucket Demo. Anything with the words extreme and bucket— you know it’s gonna be good.

***You may have seen a few people test FLEX SEAL…***

Okay he’s go- he’s lost it it’s over

***HAHAHA…UAGH!***

Phil I knew for the moment I saw you slapping tape on holes, you mighta had a- \*points to temples\* had a couple holes up here! You needed some \*slaps temples\* FLEX TAPE for, you know I’m saying… keep the demons from getting out.

***UAGH! MUHH…***

Don’t try- don’t try this. **DON’T** TRY THIS… \*replay\* It’s not even a don’t try this at home… just… **DON’T try this. “**Phil, he’s gone insane, he came in here earlier with a knife and a chainsaw… please, help…. \*typing\* SEND HELP”

***UAGH! THAT’S A LOT OF DAMAGE!***

That’s a LOTTA DAAA MIDGE \*replay\*

It’s not that much damage, really, Phil… It’s not… c- could be a lot worse.

***HOW BOUT A LITTLE MORE? \*RRR RRR RRRRRRRRR\****

OH he’s goin’ for the chainsaw.

***AHAHAHAHA \*RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR\****

Seriously, DO NOT try- never attempt this! Phil has gone too far! You sniffed too much FLEX GLUE and now all he can see is Martians!

***AHAHAHA!***

***NOW THAT’S A LOT OF DAMAGE— LET’S SEE IF IT’S GONNA LEAK.***

I think it’s gonna leak- I think- it’s fair to say it’s gonna leak.

***YEP— IT LEAKS!***

Yeah, it leaks. It leaks. Definitely leaks. Goin’… the water, is coming out the bottom, it’s leaking. Leaks.

*All right, let’s seal it with FLEX SEAL. All you need to do is just spray a nice even coating.*

All you gotta do, just spray that round… squirt it round, get it nice and even… Before you know it, *you have your bucket baaaaaack!* that you destroyed you’ll get that *baaaaaack!*

*If you test it and there’s still a little leak, you may need to add a few more coats.*

After all that Flex Spray, man, you’re gonna have no bucket left!

\*MAN WHO SPENT $356.87 ON FLEX SEAL\*

“You know, friends or family would ask me, uh, you know, why didn’t you just buy a new bucket, or not destroy the one you had? You know, I’d just turn ‘em and say… \*tries pulling up bucket full of FLEX SEAL\* ‘speaks for itself done’it? No replacement for that, I tell you what.’

Look at that, look at that look at how it holds that water, it’s just as good as new!

\*Struggles to pick up bucket\* I scarcely notice a difference!”

*Once it’s dry, hit it again. Just give it time, have patience.*

Have patience, it’s not a miracle product. **SLAP ON THAT FLEX TAPE IT’S NOT A F\*\*\*ING MIRACLE! SLAP IT ON WITH THE MIGHT OF ZEUS! What do you- just have some f\*\*\*ing patience!**

*Wow! We had to repair a LOT of damage. Let’s take a look.*

Phil, you keep alluding to the- to the amount of damage you’ve done to the bucket. I know you got a bit of a Rambo complex, alright, i- it’s not that serious.

*We’ll look inside… well, this is where the knife went through—* Oh, you’re just gonna show that on live television? You’ve got a full- full bucket autopsy here! Have you thought of the family of the bucket? How are **they** gonna feel seeing that on the nightly news?

\*taking bucket hostage\*

“Yeah, I bet you wish you were a little nicer to me now, huh? Used to call me Eduardo- Squidwardo behind my back you think I DIDN’T NOTICE, HUH? I’M GONNA GIVE YOU LOTS OF DAMAGE” I feel like I could actually- actually kill myself this way by stabbing directly into my heart so i’m gonna probably- I’m gonna stop, for real.

*Wow, there’s absolutely no leaks. It’s completely dry*

Oh look at **that** the water’s going in the bucket and it’s being a bucket

*Now, that’s amazing. Cameraman, you checkin’ this out?*

Cameraman, you see that- you see-? Couple of turd stains and a \[BADWORD\] napkin in there… Never seen anything like it!

*You know, FLEX SEAL is an amazing product. If you fill all the cracks and holes and you let it dry completely, FLEX SEAL works*.

If you do the thing, and you do it right, and you don’t f\*\*\* it up, it works!! It just works!!

Slap it on my butt— keep that poo in for as long as you can— when it finally comes out, by golly that’s gonna feel like the best s\*\*\* you’ve ever taken!

This is Phil Swift with FLEX TAPE I’m a \[BADWORD\]

\*Russian woman\* Call for free \[BADWORD\] consultation

\*Jon in FLEX TAPE suit\*

\*splashing water\* JUST LET ME DIE!

Just let me die… let me die in *PEACE!*

I’m PERFECT! I’m too perfect…

This is what happens when you try to play GOD…

**AAAAAAAUUGH!**