What you are about to read is a series of events and texts that took place just a few moments ago. It is 9:44 as I type this.

At 9:33 p.m. central time, my friend [friend 1] texted me and said, and I quote, “I am not joking this is not a drill I got poison ivy on my hand without knowing and I beat my dick and it just kicked in and now I have poison ivy on my cock”

Of course, I proceeded to text my buddies at 9:35 p.m. to laugh at his blunder. I receive a text in the same minute claiming he may not be at school tomorrow. I’m still not convinced. I write it off as “payback for the mustard”

The mustard in question is referring to mustard I put on my cheeseburger yesterday when we were at a marching band competition. He knocked the burger out of my hand and it spilled on my show shirt, and I had to make the dreadful trudge to the bathroom only for him to splash water on me in an attempt to remove the mustard. If you’re wondering, yes, we rid it to the point of limited visibility.

I proceed to receive a text at 9:36 p.m. that would turn the situation on its head, stating: “[me] you fag whyd you tell [friend 2]” I freeze. I realize what I’ve done. I reply back at 9:37 p.m., explaining how I thought it was a copypasta and I would make some laughs in the groupchat. He replies back at 9:38 p.m., claiming: “Yes. I’ve gotten it on my balls before and it was hell but this is a whole new evil. It’s on the tip. I am in ceaseless agony.”

At this moment I do not know how to feel. The second hand pain and embarrassment is immense. How is he going to explain to his conservative, Christian family that he got poison ivy on his privates and will not be able to attend school tomorrow?

At 9:40 p.m., Friend 3 sends him the lyrics to “Shake It Off,” by Taylor Swift after telling him to, get this, “Shake it off.” A pisspoor attempt at humor but I’ll still include it.

At 9:41 p.m., he sends me a text again.

“Taking a shower to wash off the shame”

Update: as I’m writing this, at 9:55 p.m., he says the shower “kinda worked.” I reply 2 minutes later, “Did it calm the skin down? I have no idea how poison ivy works,” having no idea how poison ivy works.

He replies with “idk nigga” at 9:58 p.m. and that is all there is to the story. I will update you on his status of attending school tomorrow. Thank you for your time.