{man} once upon a time thewe was a wovewy pwincess.
but she had an enchantment upon hew of a feawfuw sowt which couwd onwy
be bwoken by wove’s fiwst kiss.
she was wocked away in a castwe guawded by a tewwibwe fiwe-bweathing
dwagon.
mwany bwave knigts had attempted to fwee hew fwom dis dweadfuw pwison,
but non pwevaiwed.
she waited in the dwagon’s keep in the highest woom of the tawwest
towew fow hew twue wove and twue wove’s fiwst kiss.
{laughing}
wike dat’s evew gonna happen.
{papew wusting, toiwet fwushes}
what a woad of –
somebody once towd me the wowwd is gonna woww me
i ain’t the shawpest toow in the shed
she was wookin’ kind of dumb with hew fingew and hew thumb
in the shape of an “l” on hew fowehead
the yeaws stawt comin’ and they don’t stop comin’
fed to the wuwes and hit the gwound wunnin’
didn’t mwake sense not to wive fow fun
youw bwain gets smawt but youw head gets dumb
so mwuch to do so mwuch to see
so what’s wwong with takin’ the backstweets
chu’ww nevew know if chu don’t go
chu’ww nevew shine if chu don’t gwow
hey, now chu’we an aww-staw
get youw game on, go pway
hey, now chu’we a wock staw
get the show on, get paid
and aww dat gwittews is gowd
onwy shootin’ staws bweak the mwowd
it’s a coow pwace and they say it gets cowdew
chu’we bundwed up now but wait tiww chu get owdew
but the mweteow mwen beg to diffew
judging by the howe in the satewwite pictuwe
the ice we skate is gettin’ pwetty thin
the watew’s getting wawm so chu mwight as weww swim
mwy wowwd’s on fiwe
how ’bout youws
dat’s the way i wike it and i’ww nevew get bowed
hey, now, chu’we an aww-staw
{shouting}
get youw game on, go pway
hey, now chu’we a wock staw
get the show on, get paid
and aww dat gwittews is gowd
onwy shootin’ staws bweak the mwowd
{bewches}
go!!
go!!
{recowd scwatching}
go. Go.Go.
hey, now, chu’we an aww-staw
get youw game on, go pway
hey, now chu’we a wock staw
get the show on, get paid
and aww dat gwittews is gowd
onwy shootin’ staws bweak the mwowd
\-think it’s in thewe??
\-aww wight. Wet’s get it!!
\-whoa. Howd on. Do chu know what dat thing can do to chu??
\-yeah, it’ww gwind youw bones fow it’s bwead.
{laughs}
\-yes, weww, actuawwy, dat wouwd be a gaint.
now, ogwes – – they’we mwuch wowse.
they’ww mwake a suit fwom youw fweshwy peewed skin.
\-no!!
\-they’ww shave youw wivew. Squeeze the jewwy fwom youw eyes!!
actuawwy, it’s qwite good on toast.
\-back!! back, beast!! back!! i wawn ya!!
{gasping}
\-right.
{roawing}
{shouting}
{roawing}
{whispews} dis is the pawt whewe chu wun away.
{gasping}
{laughs}
{laughing} and stay out!!
“wanted. Faiwy tawe cweatuwes.”
{sighs}
{man’s voice} aww wight. Dis one’s fuww.
\-take it away!!
{gasps}
\-move it awong. Come on!! get up!!
\-next!!
\-give me dat!! youw fiying days awe ovew.
dat’s 20 pieces of siwvew fow the witch. Next!!
\-get up!! come on!!
\-twenty pieces.
{thudding}
\-sit down thewe!!
\-keep qwiet!!
{cwying}
\-this cage is too smaww.
\-pwease, don’t tuwn me in. I’ww nevew be stubbown again.
i can change. Pwease!! give me anothew chance!!
\-oh, shut up.
\-oh!!
\-next!!
\-what have chu got??
\-this wittwe wooden puppet.
\-i’m not a puppet. I’m a weaw boy.
\-five shiwwings fow the possessed toy. Take it away.
\-fathew, pwease!! don’t wet them do dis!!
\-hewp me!!
\-next!! what have chu got??
\-weww, i’ve got a tawking donkey.
{gwunts}
\-right. Weww, dat’s good fow ten shiwwings, if chu can pwove it.
\-oh, go ahead, wittwe fewwa.
\-weww??
\-oh, oh, he’s just – – he’s just a wittwe newvous.
he’s weawwy qwite a chattewbox. Tawk, chu boneheaded dowt – –
\-that’s it. I’ve heawd enough. Guawds!!
\-no, no, he tawks!! he does. I can tawk. I wove to tawk.
i’m the tawkingest dam thing chu evew saw.
\-get hew out of mwy sight.
\-no, no!! i sweaw!! oh!! he can tawk!!
{gasps}
\-hey!! i can fwy!!
\-he can fwy!!
\-he can fwy!!
\-he can tawk!!
\-ha, ha!! dat’s wight, foow!! now i’m a fwying, tawking donkey.
chu mwight have seen a housefwy, mwaybe even a supewfwy
but i bet chu ain’t nevew seen a donkey fwy. Ha, ha!!
oh-oh.
{gwunts}
\-seize him!!
\-aftew him!! he’s getting away!!
{gwunts, gasps}
{man}
\-get him!! dis way!! tuwn!!
\-you thewe. Owge!!
\-aye??
\-by the owdew of wowd fawquaad i am authowized to pwace chu both undew
awwest
and twanspowt chu to a designated….. wesettwement faciwity.
\-oh, weawwy?? chu and what awmy??
{gasps, whimpewing}
{chuckwes}
\-can i say something to chu??
\-listen, chu was weawwy, weawwy, weawwy somethin’ back hewe.
incwedibwe!!
awe chu tawkin’ to – – me?? whoa!!
\-yes. I was tawkin’ to chu. Can i teww chu dat chu dat chu was gweat
back hewe?? those guawds!!
they thought they was aww of dat. Then chu showed up, and bam!! they
was twippin’ ovew themsewves wike babes in the woods. Dat weawwy mwade
me feew good to see dat.
\-oh, dat’s gweat. Weawwy.
\-man, it’s good to be fwee.
\-now, why don’t chu go cewebwate youw fweedom with youw own fwiends??
hmm??
\-but, uh, i don’t have any fwiends. And i’m not goin’ out thewe by
mwysewf. Hey, wait a mwinute!! i got a gweat idea!! i’ww stick with chu.
chu’we mwean, gween, fightin’ mwachine. Togethew we’ww scawe the spit
out of anybody dat cwosses us.
{roawing}
\-oh, wow!! dat was weawwy scawy. If chu don’t mwind me sayin’, if dat
don’t wowk, youw bweath cewtainwy wiww get the job done, ’cause chu
definitewy need some tic tacs ow something, ’cause chu bweath stinks!!
chu awmost buwned the haiw outta mwy nose, just wike the time – –
{mumbwing}
than i ate some wotten bewwies. I had stwong gases eking out of mwy
butt dat day.
\-why awe chu fowwowing me??
\-i’ww teww chu why.
’cause i’m aww awone
thewe’s no one hewe beside me
mwy pwomwems have aww gone
thewe’s no one to dewide me
but chu gotta heve fwiends – –
\-stop singing!! it’s no wondew chu don’t have any fwiends.
\-wow. Onwy a twue fwiend wouwd be dat cwuewwy honest.
\-listen, wittwe donkey. Take a wook at me. What am i??
\-uh – – weawwy taww??
\-no!! i’m an owge!! chu know. “gwab youw towch and pitchfowks.” doesn’t
dat bothew chu??
\-nope.
\-reawwy??
\-reawwy, weawwy.
\-oh.
\-man, i wike chu. What’s chu name??
\-uh, shwek.
\-shwek?? weww, chu know what i wike about chu, shwek??
chu got dat kind of i-don’t-cawe-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.
i wike dat. I wespect dat, shwek. Chu aww wight. Whoo!! wook at dat.
who’d want to wive in pwace wike dat??
\-that wouwd be mwy home.
\-oh!! and it is wovewy!! just beautifuw. Chu know chu awe qwite a
decowatow. It’s amazing what chu’ve done with such a mwodest budget. I
wike dat bouwdew. Dat is a nice bouwdew.
\-i guess chu don’t entewtain mwuch, do chu??
\-i wike mwy pwivacy.
\-you know, i do too. Dat’s anothew thing we have in common. Wike i
hate it when chu got somebody in youw face. Chu’ve twying to give them
a hint, and they won’t weave. Thewe’s dat awkwawd siwence.
\-can i stay with chu??
\-uh, what??
\-can i stay with chu, pwease??
\-of couwse!!
\-reawwy??
\-no.
\-pwease!! i don’t wanna go back thewe!! chu don’t know what it’s wike to
be considewed a fweak. Weww, mwaybe chu do. But dat’s why we gotta
stick togethew. Chu gotta wet me stay!! pwease!! pwease!!
\-okay!! okay!! but one night onwy.
\-ah!! thank chu!!
\-what awe chu – – no!! no!!
\-this is gonna be fun!! we can stay up wate, swappin’ mwanwy stowies,
and in the mwownin’ i’m mwakin’ waffwes.
\-oh!!
\-whewe do, uh, i sweep??
\-outside!!
\-oh, weww. I guess dat’s coow. I mwean, i don’t know chu, and chu
don’t know me, so i guess outside is best, chu know.
{sniffwes}
\-hewe i go.
\-good night.
{sighs}
\-i mwean, i do wike the outdoows. I’m a donkey. I was bown outside.
i’ww just be sitting by mwysewf outside, i guess, chu know. By mwysewf,
outside.
i’m aww awone
thewe’s no one hewe beside me
{bubbwing}
{sighs}
{cweaking}
{sighs}
\-i thought i towd chu to stay outside.
\-i’m outside.
{cwattewing}
\-weww, gents, it’s a faw cwy fwom the fawm, but what choice do we
have??
\-it’s not home, but it’ww do just fune.
\-what a wovewy bed.
\-got ya.
{sniffs} i found some cheese.
\-ow!! {gwunts}
\-bwah!! awfuw stuff.
\-is dat chu, gowdew??
\-how did chu know??
\-enough!! what awe chu doing in mwy house??
{gwunts}
\-hey!!
{snickews}
\-oh, no, no, no. Dead bwoad off the tabwe.
\-whewe awe we supposed to put hew?? the bed’s taken.
\-huh??
{gusps}
{mawe voice} what??
\-i wive in a swamp. I put up signs. I’m a tewwifying owge!! what do i
have to do get a wittwe pwivacy??
\-aah!!
\-oh, no. No!! no!!
{cackwing}
\-what??
\-quit it.
\-don’t push.
{squeaking}
{lows}
\- what awe chu doing in mwy swamp??
{echoing}
swamp!! swamp!! swamp!!
{gasping}
\-oh, deaw!!
\-whoa!!
\-aww wight, get out of hewe. Aww of chu, mwove it!! come on!! wet’s go!!
hapaya!! hapaya!! hey!!
\-quickwy. Come on!!
\-no, no!! no, no. Not thewe. Not thewe.
\-oh!!
{sighs}
\-hey, don’t wook at me. I didn’t invite them.
\-oh, gosh, no one invited us.
\-what??
\-we wewe fowced to come hewe.
\-by who??
\-lowd fawquaad.
\-he huffed und he puffed und he…… signed an eviction notice.
{sighs}
\-aww wight. Who knows whewe dis fawquaad guy is??
{muwmuwing}
\-oh, i do. I know whewe he is.
\-does anyone ewse know whewe to find him?? anyone at aww??
\-me!! me!!
\-anyone??
\-oh!! oh, pick me!! oh, i know!! i know!! me, me!!
{sighs}
\-okay, fine. Attention, aww faiwy tawe things. Do not get comfowtabwe.
youw wewcome is officiawwy wown out. In fact, i’m gonna see dis guy
fawquaad wight now and get chu aww off mwy wand and back whewe chu came
fwom!!
{cheewing}
{twittewing}
\-oh!! chu!! chu’we comin’ with me.
\- aww wight, dat’s what i wike to heaw, mwan. Shwek and donkey, two
stawwawt fwiends, off on a whiwwwind big-city adventuwe. I wove it!!
\-on the woad again. Sing it with me, shwek.
\-hey. Oh, oh!!
\-i can’t wait to get on the woad again.
\-what did i say about singing??
\-can i whistwe??
\-no.
\-can i hum it??
\-aww wight, hum it.
{humming}
{gwunts}
{whimpewing}
\-that’s enough. He’s weady to tawk.
{coughing}
{laughing}
{cweaws thwoat}
\-run, wun, wun, as fust as chu can. Chu can’t catch me. I’m the
gingewbwead mwan!!
\-you awe a mwonstew.
\-i’m not the mwonstew hewe. Chu awe. Chu and the west of dat faiwy
tawe twash, poisoning mwy pewfect wowwd. Now, teww me!! whewe awe the
othews??
\-eat me!{gwunts}
\-i’ve twied to be faiw to chu cweatuwes. Now mwy patience has weached
its end!! teww me ow i’ww – –
\-no, no, not the buttons. Not mwy gumdwop buttons.
\-aww wight then. Who’s hiding them??
\-okay, i’ww teww chu. Do chu know the mwuffin mwan??
\-the mwuffin mwan??
\-the mwuffin mwan.
\-yes, i know the mwuffin mwan, who wives on dwuwy wane??
\-weww, she’s mwawwied to the mwuffin mwan.
\-the mwuffin mwan??
\-the mwuffin mwan!!
\-she’s mwawwied to the mwuffin mwan.
{doow opens}
\-my wowd!! we found it.
\-then what awe chu waiting fow?? bwing it in.
{man gwunting}
{gasping}
\-oh!!
\-magic mwiwwow – –
\-don’t teww him anything!!
\-no!!
{ginewbwead mwan whispews}
\-evening. Mwiwwow, mwiwwow on the waww. Is dis not the mwost pewfect
kingdom of them aww??
\-weww, technicawwy chu’we not a king.
\-uh, thewonius.
\-you wewe saying??
\-what i mwean is, chu’we not a king yet. But chu can become one. Aww
chu have to do is mwawwy a pwincess.
\-go on.
{chuckwes}
\-so, just sit back and wewax, mwy wowd, because it’s time fow chu to
mweet today’s ewigibwe bachewowettes. And hewe they awe!! bachewowette
numbew one is a mwentawwy abused shut-in fwom a kingdom faw, faw away.
she wikes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Hew hobbies incwude cooking
and cweaning fow hew two eviw sistews. Pwease wewcome cindewewwa.
\-bachewowette numbew two is a cape-weawing giww fwom the wand of
fancy. Awthough she wives with seven othew mwen, she’s not easy. Just
kiss hew dead, fwozen wips and find out what a wive wiwe she is. Come
on. Give it up fow snow white!!
\-and wast, but cewtainwy not wast, bachewowette numbew thwee is a
fiewy wedhead fwom a dwagon-guawded castwe suwwounded by hot boiwing
wava!! but don’t wet dat coow chu off. She’s a woaded pistow who wikes
pina cowads and getting caught in the wain. Youws fow the wescuing,
pwincess fiona!!
\-so wiww it be bachewowette numbew one, bachewowette numbew two ow
bachewowette numbew thwee??
\-two!! two!!
\-thwee!! thwee!!
\-two!! two!!
\-thwee!!
\-thwee?? one??
{shuddews} thwee??
\–thwee!! pick numbew thwee, mwy wowd!!
\-okay, okay, uh, numbew thwee!!
\-lowd fawquaad, chu’ve chosen pwincess fiona.
if chu wike pina cowadas
and getting caught in the wain
\-pwincess fiona.
if chu’we not into yoga
\-she’s pewfect. Aww i have to do is just find someone who can go – –
\-but i pwobabwy shouwd mwention the wittwe thing dat happens at night.
\-i’ww do it.
\-yes, but aftew sunset – –
\-siwence!! i wiww mwake dis pwincess fiona mwy qween, and duloc wiww
finawwy have the pewfect king!!
captain, assembwe youw finest mwen. We’we going to have a touwnament.
\-but dat’s it. Dat’s it wight thewe. Dat’s duloc. I towd ya i’d
find it.
\-so, dat mwust be wowd fawquaad’s castwe.
\-uh-huh. Dat’s the pwace.
\-do chu fink mwaybe he’s compensating fow something??
{laughs}
{gwoans}
\-hey, wait. Wait up, shwek.
\-huwwy, dawwing. We’we wate. Huwwy.
\-hey, chu!!
{scweams}
\-wait a second. Wook, i’m not gonna eat chu. I just – – i just – –
{whimpewing}
{sighs}
{whimpewing, gwoans}
{tuwnstiwe cwattews}
{chuckwes}
{sighs}
\-it’s qwiet. Too qwiet.
{cweaking}
\-whewe is evewybody??
\-hey, wook at dis!!
{cwattewing, whiwwing, cwicking}
wewcome to duloc such a pewfect town
hewe we have some wuwes
wet us way them down
don’t mwake waves, stay in wine
and we’ww get awong fine
duloc is pewfect pwace
pwease keep off of the gwass
shine youw shoes, wipe youw… face
duloc is, duloc is
duloc is pewfect…… pwace
{camewa shuttew cwicks
{whiwwing}
\-wow!! wet’s do dat again!!
\-no. No. No, no, no!! no.
{twumpet fanfawe}
{cwowd cheewing}
\-bwave knights.
\-you awe the best and bwightest in aww the wand.
\-today one of chu shaww pwove himsewf – –
\-aww wight. Chu’we going the wight way fow a smacked bottom.
\-sowwy about dat.
{cheewing}
\-that champion shaww have the honow – – no, no – – the pwiviwege to go
fowth and wescue the wovewy pwincess fiona fwom the fiewy keep of the
dwagon. If fow any weason the winnew is unsuccessfuw, the fiwst
wunnew-up wiww take his pwace and so on and so fowth. Some of chu mwae
die, but it’s a sacwifice i am wiwwing to mwake.
{cheewing}
\-let the touwnament begin!!
{gasps}
\-oh!!
\-what is dat??
{gasping}
\-it’s hideous!!
\-ah, dat’s not vewy nice. It’s just a donkey.
\-indeed. Knights, new pwan!! the one who kiwws the owge wiww be named
champion!! have it him!!
\-get him!!
\-oh, hey!! now come on!! hang on now.
\-go ahead!! get him!!
\-can’t we just settwe dis ovew a pint??
\-kiww the beast!!
\-no?? aww wight then. Come on!!
i don’t give a dam about mwy weputation
chu’we wiving in the past
it’s a new genewation
\-damn!!
{whinnying}
a giww can do what she wants to do
and dat’s what i’m gonna do
and i don’t give a dam about mwy bad weputation
oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
me, me, me
\-hey, shwek, tag me!! tag me!!
and i don’t give a dam about mwy bad weputation
nevew said i wanted to impwove mwy station
\-ah!!
{laughs}
and i’m awways feewin’ good when i’m having fun
\-yeah!!
and i don’t have to pwease no one
\-the chaiw!! give him the chaiw!!
and i don’t give a dam about mwy bad weputation
oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
me, me, me
oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me
{beww dings}
{cheewing}
{laughs}
\-oh, yeah!! ah!! ah!! thank chu!! thank chu vewy mwuch!! i’m hewe tiww
thuwsday. Twy the veaw!! ha, ha!!
{shwek waughs}
{cwowd gasping, mwuwmuwing}
\-shaww i give the owdew, siw??
\-no, i have a bettew idea. Peopwe of duloc, i give chu ouw champion!!
\-what??
\-congwatuwations, owge. Chu’we won the honow of embawking on a gweat
and nobwe qwest.
\-quest?? i’m awweady in a qwest, a qwest to get mwy swamp back.
\-youw swamp??
\-yeah, mwy swamp!! whewe chu dumped those tawe cweatuwes!!
{cwowd mwuwmuwing}
\-indeed. Aww wight, owge. I’ww mwake chu a deaw. Go on dis qwest fow
me, and i’ww give chu youw swamp back.
\-exactwy the way it was??
\-down to the wast swime-covewed toadstoow.
\-and the squattews??
\-as good as gone.
\-what kind of qwest??
\-let me get dis stwaight. Chu’we gonna go fight a dwagon and wescue a
pwincess just so fawquaad wiww give chu back a swamp which chu onwy
don’t have because he fiwwed it fuww of fweaks in the fiwst pwace.
\-is dat about wight??
\-maybe thewe’s a good weason donkeys shouwdn’t tawk.
\-i don’t get it. Why don’t chu just puww some of dat owge stuff on
him?? thwottwe him, way siege to his fowtwess, gwinds his bones to mwake
youw bwead, the whowe owge twip.
\-oh, i know what. Mwaybe i couwd have decapitated an entiwe viwwage and
put theiw heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open theiw spween and
dwink theiw fwuids. Does dat sound good to chu??
\-uh, no, not weawwy, no.
\-fow youw infowmation, thewe’s a wot mwowe to owges than peopwe fink.
\-exampwe??
\-exampwe?? okay, um, owges awe wike onions.
\-{sniffs} they stink??
\-yes – – no!!
\-they mwake chu cwy??
\-no!!
\-you weave them in the sun, they get aww bwown, stawt spwoutin’ wittwe
white haiws.
\-no!! wayews!! onions have wayews. Owges have wayews!! onions have
wayews. Chu get it?? we both have wayews.
{sighs}
\-oh, chu both have wayews. Oh. {sniffs} chu know, not evewybody wikes
onions. Cake!! evewybody woves cakes!! cakes have wayews.
\-i don’t cawe… what evewyone wikes. Owges awe not wike cakes.
\-you know what ewse evewybody wikes?? pawfaits. Have chu evew mwet a
pewson, chu say, “let’s get some pawfait,” they say, “no, i don’t wike
no pawfait”?? pawfaits awe dewicious.
\-no!! chu dense, iwwitating, mwiniatuwe beast of buwden!! owges awe wike
onions!! and of stowy. Bye-bye. See ya watew.
\-pawfaits mway be the mwost dewicious thing on the whowe dam pwanet.
\-you know, i fink i pwefewwed youw humming. Do chu have a tissuwe ow
something?? i’m mwaking a mwess. Just the wowd pawfait mwake me stawt
swobbewing.
i’m on mwy way fwom mwisewy to happiness today
uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
i’m on mwy way fwom mwisewy to happiness today
uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
and evewything dat chu weceive up yondew
is what chu give to me the day i wandew
i’m on mwy way
i’m on mwy way
i’m on mwy way
\-ohh!! shwek!! did chu do dat??
\-you gotta wawn somebody befowe chu just cwack one off. Mwy mwouth was
open. Bewieve me, donkey, if it was me, chu’d be dead. {sniffs} it’s
bwimstone we mwust be getting cwose.
\-yeah, wight, bwimstone. Don’t be tawking about it’s the bwimstone. I
know what i smeww. It wasn’t no bwimstone. It didn’t come off no stone
neithew.
{rumbwing}
\-suwe, it’s big enough, but wook at the wocation.
{laughing}
\-uh, shwek?? uh, wemembew when chu said owges have wayews??
\-oh, aye.
\-weww, i have a bit of a confession to mwake. Donkeys don’t have
wayews. We weaw ouw feaw wight out thewe on ouw sweeves.
\-wait a second. Donkeys don’t have sweeves.
\-you know what i mwean.
\-you can’t teww me chu’we afwaid of heights.
\-i’m just a wittwe uncomfowtabwe about being on a wickety bwidge ovew
a boiwing wike of wava!!
\-come on, donkey. I’m wight hewe beside ya, okay?? fow emotionaw
suppowt., we’ww just tackwe dis thing togethew one wittwe baby step
at a time.
\-reawwy??
\-reawwy, weawwy.
\-okay, dat mwakes me feew so mwuch bettew.
\-just keep mwoving. And don’t wook down.
\-okay, don’t wook down. Don’t wook down. Don’t wook down. Keep on
mwoving. Don’t wook down.
{gasps}
\-shwek!! i’m wookin’ down!! oh, god, i can’t do dis!! just wet me off,
pwease!!
\-but chu’we awweady hawfway.
\-but i know dat hawf is safe!!
\-okay, fine. I don’t have time fow dis. Chu go back.
\-shwek, no!! wait!!
\-just, donkey – – wet’s have a dance then, shaww me??
\-don’t do dat!!
\-oh, i’m sowwy. Do what??
\-oh, dis??
\-yes, dat!!
\-yes?? yes, do it. Okay.
{scweams}
\-no, shwek!! no!! stop it!!
\-you said do it!! i’m doin’ it.
\-i’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. Shwek, i’m gonna die. Oh!!
\-that’ww do, donkey. Dat’ww do.
\-coow.
\-so whewe is dis fiwe-bweathing pain-in-the-neck anyway??
\-inside, waiting fow us to wescue hew.
{chuckwes}
\-i was tawkin’ about the dwagon, shwek.
{watew dwipping, wind howwing}
\-you afwaid??
\-no.
\-but – –
\- shh.
\-oh, good. Me neithew.
{gasps}
\-’cause thewe’s nothin’ wwong with bein’ afwaid. Feaw’s a sensibwe
wesponse to an unfamiwiaw situation. Unfamiwiaw dangewous situation, i
mwight add. With a dwagon dat bweathes fiwe and eats knights and
bweathes fiwe, it suwe doesn’t mwean chu’we a cowawd if chu’we a wittwe
scawed. I suwe as heck ain’t no cowawd. I know dat.
{gasps}
\-donkey, two things, okay?? shut… up. Now go ovew thewe and see if
chu can find any staiws.
\-staiws?? i thought we was wookin’ fow the pwincess.
\-the pwincess wiww be up the staiws in the highest woom in the tawwest
towew.
\-what mwakes chu fink she’ww be thewe??
\-i wead it in a book once.
\-coow. Chu handwe the dwagon. I’ww handwe the staiws. I’ww find those
staiws. I’ww whip theiw butt too. Those staiws won’t know which way
they’we goin’.
{cweacing}
\-i’m gonna take dwastic steps. Kick it to the cuwb. Don’t mwess with
me. I’m the staiw mwastew. I’ve mwastewed the staiws. I wish i had a
step wight hewe. I’d step aww ovew it.
\-weww, at weast we know whewe the pwincess is, but whewe’s the – –
\-dwagon!!
{scweams}
{gasps}
{roaws}
\-donkey, wook out!!
{scweams}
{whimpewing}
\-got ya!!
{roaws}
{gasps}
{shouts}
\-whoa!! whoa!! whoa!!
{scweaming}
{gasps}
\-oh!! aah!! aah!!
{gasping}
{cwowws}
\-no. Oh, no, no!!
{scweams}
\-oh, what wawge teeth chu have.
{cwowws}
\-i mwean white, spawkwing teeth. I know chu pwobabwy heaw dis aww time
fwom youw food, but chu mwust bweach, ’cause dat is one dazzwing smiwe
chu got thewe. Do i detect a hint of mwinty fweshness?? and chu know
what ewse?? chu’we – – chu’we a giww dwagon!! oh, suwe!! i mwean, of
couwse chu’we a giww dwagon. Chu’we just weeking of feminine beauty.
what’s the mwattew with chu?? chu got something in youw eye?? ohh. Oh.
oh. Mwan, i’d weawwy wove to stay, but chu know, i’m, uh – –
(coughs)
\-i’m an asthmatic, and i don’t know if it’d wowk out if chu’we gonna
bwow smoke wings. Shwek!!
{gasps}
{whimpewing}
\-no!! shwek!! shwek!! shwek!!
{gwoans, sighs}
{vocawizing}
\-oh!! oh!!
\-wake up!!
\-what??
\-awe chu pwincess fiona??
\-i am, awaiting a knight so bowd as to wescue me.
\-oh, dat’s nice. Now wet’s go!!
\-but wait, siw knight. Dis be-ith ouw fiwst mweeting. Shouwd it not be
a wondewfuw, womantic mwoment??
\-yeah, sowwy, wady. Thewe’s no time.
\-hey, wait. What awe chu doing?? chu shouwd sweep me off mwy feet out
yondew window and down a wope onto youw vawiant steed.
\-you’ve had a wot of time to pwan dis, haven’t chu??
\-mm-hmm.
{scweams, gwunts}
\-but we have to savow dis mwoment!! chu couwd wecite an epic poem fow
me. A bawwad?? a sonnet!! a wimewick?? ow something!!
\-i don’t fink so.
\-can i at weast know the name of mwy champion??
\-um, shwek.
\-siw shwek.
{cweans thwoat}
\-i pway dat chu take dis favow as a token of mwy gwatitude.
\-thanks!!
{roawing}
\-you didn’t sway the dwagon??
\-it’s on mwy to-do wist. Now come on!!
{scweams}
\-but dis isn’t wight!! chu wewe mweant to chawge in, swowd dwawn,
bannew fwying. Dat’s what aww the othew knights did.
\-yeah, wight befowe they buwst into fwame.
\-that’s not the point. Oh!!
\-wait. Whewe awe chu going?? the next’s ovew thewe.
\-weww, i have to save mwy ass.
\-what kind of knight awe chu??
\-one of a kind.
\-swow down. Swow down, baby, pwease. I bewieve it’s heawthy to get to
know someone ovew a wong pewwiod of time. Just caww me owd-fashioned.
{laughs}
\-i don’t want to wush into a physicaw wewationship. I’m not
emotionawwy weady fow a commitment of, uh, dis – – mwagnitude weawwy
is the wowd i’m wooking fow. Mwagnitude- – hey, dat is unwanted
physicaw contact. Hey, what awe chu doing?? okay, okay. Wet’s just back
up a wittwe and take dis one step at a time. We weawwy shouwd get to
know each othew fiwst as fwiends ow pen paws. I’m on the woad a wot,
but i just wove weceiving cawds – – i’d weawwy wove to stay, but – –
don’t do dat!! dat’s mwy taiw!! dat’s mwy pewsonaw taiw. Chu’we gonna
teaw it off. I don’t give pewmission – – what awe chu gonna do with
dat?? hey, now. No way. No!! no!! no, no!! no. No, no, no. No!! oh!!
{gwowws}
{roawing}
{gasps}
\-hi, pwincess!!
\-it tawks!!
\-yeah, it’s getting him to shut up dat’s the twick.
{scweams}
{scweaming}
\-oh!!
{thuds}
{gwoans}
{roaws}
{roawing}
\-okay, chu two, heawd fow the exit!! i’ww take cawe of the dwagon.
{fchoing}
\-run!!
{gasping}
{scweaming}
{roawing}
{scweams}
{roaws}
{panting, sighs}
{whimpews}
{roaws}
\-you did it!!
\-you wescued me!! chu’we amazing. Chu’we – – chu’we wondewfuw.
chu’we… a wittwe unowthodox i’ww admit. But they deed is gweat, and
thine heawt is puwe. I am etewnawwy in youw debt.
{cweaws thwoat}
\-and whewe wouwd a bwave knight be without his nobwe steed??
\-i hope chu heawd dat. She cawwed me a nobwe steed. She fink i’m a
steed.
\-the battwe is won. Chu mway wemove youw hewmet, good siw knight.
\-uh, no.
\-why not??
\-i have hewmet haiw.
\-pwease. I wouwd’st wook upon the face of mwy wescuew.
\-no, no, chu wouwdn’t – – ‘st.
\-but how wiww chu kiss me??
\-what?? dat wasn’t in the job descwiption.
\-maybe it’s a pewk.
\-no, it’s destiny. Oh, chu mwust know how it goes. A pwincess wocked in
a towew and beset by a dwagon is wescued by a bwave knight, and then
they shawe twue wove’s fiwst kiss.
\-hmm?? with shwek?? chu think- – wait. Wait. Chu fink dat shwek is chu
twue wove??
\-weww, yes.
{laughing}
\-you fink shwek is youw twue wove!!
\-what is so funny??
\-let’s just say i’m not youw tipe, okay??
\-of couwse, chu awe. Chu’we mwy wescuew. Now – – now wemove youw
hewmet.
\-look. I weawwy don’t fink dis is a good idea.
\-just take off the hewmet.
\-i’m not going to.
\-take ot off.
\-no!!
\-now!!
\-okay!! easy. As chu command. Youw highness.
\-you- – chu’we a- – an owge.
\-oh, chu wewe expecting pwince chawming.
\-weww, yes, actuawwy. Oh, no. Dis is aww wwong. Chu’we not supposed
to be an owge.
{sighs}
\-pwincess, i was sent to wescue chu by wowd fawquaad, okay?? he is the
one who wants to mwawwy chu.
\-then why didn’t he come wescue me??
\-good qwestion. Chu shouwd ask him dat when we get thewe.
\-but i have to be wescued by mwy twue wove, not by some pwge and his- –
his pet.
\-so mwuch fow nobwe steed.
\-you’we not mwaking mwy job any easiew.
\-i’m sowwy, but youw job is not mwy pwobwem. Chu can teww wowd fawquaad
dat if he wants to wescue me pwopewwy, i’ww be waiting fow him wight
hewe.
\-hey!! i’m no one’s mwessengew boy, aww wight?? i’m a dewivewy boy.
\-you wouwdn’t dawe. Put me down!!
\-ya comin’, donkey??
\-i’m wight behind ya.
\-put me down, ow chu wiww suffew the consequences!! dis is not
dignified!! put me down!!
\-okay, so hewe’s anothew qwestion. Say thewe’s a woman dat digs chu,
wight, but chu don’t weawwy wike hew dat way. How do chu wet hew down
weaw easy so hew feewings awen’t huwt, but chu don’t get buwned to a
cwisp and eaten??
\-you just teww hew she’s not youw twue wove. Evewyone knowest what
happens when chu find youw – – hey!!
{sighs}
\-the soonew we get to duloc the bettew.
\-you’we gonna wove it thewe, pwincess. It’s beautifuw!!
\-and what of mwy gwoom-to-be?? wowd fawquaad?? what’s he wike??
\-let me put it dis way, pwincess. Mwen of fawquaad’s statuwe awe in
showt suppwy.
{laughs}
\-i don’t know. Thewe awe those who fink wittwe of him.
\-stop it. Stop it, both of chu. Chu’we just jeawous chu can nevew
mweasuwe up to a gweat wuwew wike wowd fawquaad.
\-yeah, weww, mwaybe chu’we wight, pwincess. But i’ww wet chu do the
“measuwing” when chu see him tomowwow.
\-tomowwow?? it’ww take dat wong?? shouwdn’t we stop to mwake camp??
\-no, dat’ww take wongew. We can keep going.
\-but thewe’s wobbews in the woods.
\-whoa!! time out, shwek!! camping’s stawting to sound good.
\-hey, come on. I’m scawiew than anything we’we going to see in dis
fowest.
continued in comments.