[GUIDE] What to do if Dana White catches you pirating UFC matches

For the past few years, I have been on the run from Dana White after he found out I pirated a match via IPTV.

By making this post, I do know I am compromising my location and endangering myself, but this information will be helpful for those who end up in the same situation as me.

• Unbeknownst to the public, Dana White is a master detective and hunts down every lead he can take. I had an incident happen where I posted a meme on Twitter and he managed to recover metadata and triangulate my exact location. Get used to paying with cash. You have to keep a low profile at all times.

• You’ll need to invest in a fast moving vehicle, at least one with average speeds of 80-100 MPH. Dana White is capable of running at speeds of 60 MPH.

• Keep a small, long pointy object with you at all times, like a stick. This will save your life in the event he manages to corner you, as you can jab him in the area between his neck and shoulders to knock him out for about 5 minutes. This will provide you with supple time to escape.

• Do not use bullets or tase. Bullets seem to bounce right off him and hit nearby pedestrians. A police officer once tased him after I made the mistake of notifying them and his roar disabled the power grid, killing at least 4 people in the nearby hospital. These were spun as the 2019 California power shutoffs by the media to prevent mass panic.

Please be careful.

EDIT: If anyone else has experience dealing with him, please share some tips. I am currently driving away from him at about 100 MPH and I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to go, considering my gas tank is almost empty and I can still see h

EDIT 2: My vehicle has ran out of gas and Dana White is now walking towards me. I’m trying to hotwire this Ford I found, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it in time. Please, if I do not make another update in 24 hours, I am presumed dead and I wish my search history be deleted by the authorities.

EDIT 3: I have managed to jab him in the neck and this bought me enough time to hotwire the car. I am now crossing a state border.

EDIT 4: I am currently at the Canadian border.

EDIT 5: The customs agents looked once at my papers and spit maple syrup in my face. I don’t think they’re gonna let me in.

EDIT 6: They apologized but they’re still not letting me in

EDIT 7: I’m now in Canada after I took u/Idontlike2color’s advice and said “How about those maple leaves eh?” to one of the officers!