**1. Argument from Design**

Every Christmas, a bunch of presents appear under my Christmas tree. I looked up pictures of the PS5 I might be getting if I’m nice, and it looks so beautiful that it can’t possibly have been made in a factory. No, the design is so complex and intricate that it must have been made by elves in Santa’s workshop. Therefore, Santa exists.

**2. Argument from First Cause**

Presents don’t just appear out of nowhere. You can’t just have a bunch of neatly wrapped gifts coming out of nothing. Every present must have a cause, and Santa is the only rational explanation I’ve heard that makes sense. Therefore, the first cause is Santa Claus.

**3. Pascal’s Wager**

Let’s say you’re a Santa denier, and it turns out you’re wrong. That means you’re in a world where grown-ups have to spend hundreds of dollars every Christmas, going through all kinds of stress, just to please their spoiled, thankless children. What kind of horrible world is that? Now let’s say you’re a Santa believer, and it turns out you’re wrong. That means you live in a wonderful world where a jolly man flies around and delivers free toys to all the boys and girls every year. I think it’s safer to bet on that option. Therefore, Santa exists.

**4. Ontological Argument**

Let us assume that Santa is a maximally jolly being, the most jolly creature possible. Just imagine his cherry-red nose, his twinkling eyes, his belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly. There’s nothing more jolly than that, right? Let us also assume that it’s theoretically possible for a maximally jolly being to exist. And thirdly, let us assume that it’s better to be jolly and spread joy as a real being in the real world rather than as a made-up fictional character. Would that not be a property of a maximally jolly being? Therefore, Santa exists.

**5. Moral Argument**

Every year, Santa keeps two lists containing all the children of the world: one for “nice” children, one for “naughty” children. This incentivizes children to be on their best behavior, so they don’t get a lump of coal in their stocking this Christmas. But if Santa doesn’t exist and people stop believing in him, what happens then? Then we have no universal standard of morality! If there is no standard for what is naughty or nice, all is permitted! There’ll be rioting in the streets! Ax murderers breaking down your doors! Maniacs poisoning the water tower! Nuclear armageddon! OH GOD WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE! Therefore, Santa exists.

**6. Argument from Prayer**

Last year, I got a Lego Star Wars X-Wing building kit. I asked for that in a letter specifically addressed to Santa Claus. I even wrote “The North Pole” on the envelope and my dad helped me put it in the mailbox. How could my request have been granted unless Santa exists?

**7. Argument from Scripture**

Okay, Santa denier, if Santa doesn’t exist, then who are all the elves working for in their workshop up at the North Pole? Who does Mrs. Claus bake cookies for all year? Who said “Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight” to Rudolph? Dasher, Comet, Cupid, and the rest have all given personal testimonies that Santa exists. Therefore, he does.

**8. Argument from Fine Tuning**

Did you know that Santa’s body is so fat that it keeps the Earth weighted *just enough* that it stays in its proper orbit? If he didn’t exist, the Earth would either crash into the Sun or go careening off into space and freeze into a snowball. Thanks to Santa, we’re staying in the exact right spot where we can live and be happy and stuff. No, I won’t give sources.

**9. Argument from Incredulity**

Are you SERIOUSLY asking me to believe that EVERY SINGLE PARENT on the ENTIRE PLANET just HAPPENS to spend a fat wad of cash on toys EVERY December, and then they just HAPPEN to give it to their kids on the EXACT SAME DAY, EVERY SINGLE YEAR? I simply find that to be too much of a COINCIDENCE to believe. Therefore, Santa exists.

**10. Lewis Trilemma**

With regards to the story of Santa Claus, you can believe one of three things. One, that Santa is lying, and that he made up the whole story about himself. But what motivation does he have to do that? Two, that he’s a lunatic, some bearded madman who raves about magical floating reindeer. But if he is crazy, then why does he seem so happy and nice in all the cartoons? That leaves us with only one option left: that Santa is being truthful about what he’s saying, and truly brings us presents every year. Yep, there’s no possible fourth option here.

**11. Jordan Peterson’s Argument**

Do I believe in Santa Claus? Well, it depends what you mean by “believe”. If we examine the metaphysical architecture of belief as a function of Jungian analysis, then we can identify something resembling a Falstaffian archetype as a product of the collective subconscious of various hierarchies. And we must also define what it means to “exist”. If a product of traditional wisdom is so thoroughly intertwined with the hierarchies of pre-Dostoevsky Western society, and this patriarchal archetype functions in bestowing numinous meaning upon the individual and helping to combat the pathological shadow-dragon that lies within the superego, then who are these postmodern neo-Marxists to push an ideology which contends that Santa does not “exist” within these hierarchies? It also depends what you mean by “Santa”…

**12. Argument from Conspiracy**

It’s all a big cover-up! The government doesn’t want you to see it, but in Area 51, they’re hiding photos of Santa in his sleigh, half-eaten cookies with his DNA on it, even one of Rudolph’s turds! You brainwashed sheeple just go about your life with no idea that the deep state has been hiding Santa’s existence from you. The Illuminati has been sending secret UFOs to spy on your house and spray your Christmas trees with chemicals that will turn you into a soyboy! And the ringleader behind the whole thing?…the half-Reptilian half-cyborg known as BILL GATES!

**13. Argument from Personal Experience**

I sat on Santa’s lap in the mall once! Well…I know that wasn’t really him. But the real Santa talked to me one time…well, it was while I was high on ayahuasca. But okay, one time I felt really scared, and I just kinda *felt* like Santa was there. No, I didn’t see anything. Or hear anything. And nothing in particular really changed about my life, but I just kinda *felt* a little something, y’know?…Are you converted yet?

**14. Ad Hominem**

You know what? I’m tired of you arrogant Santa-deniers with your “science” that says a reindeer can’t fly. You all just believe this because there’s something wrong with YOU, and you just can’t stand the sight of Christmas cheer or joy. You all just hate the world, and you know what, I hate YOU! I HATE you all so much! You’re all just having a toxic circlejerk! Santa denialism is a religion! That Christmas song you quoted was out of context! You’re all just servants of the Grinch! YOU’RE ALL NAUGHTY AND YOU’LL GET A LUMP OF COAL THIS CHRISTMAS! YOU HEAR ME? COAL! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

**15. Argument from Honesty**

My parents told me Santa exists, and I like them. If anyone tells me Santa doesn’t exist, I don’t like them. Therefore, Santa exists.