Have you ever dated a person for a really long time? Like, since 1992? Maybe their name was something like, Mario Kart? And you and Mario Kart got along fine, sometimes you’d argue, sometimes they would drag you to a movie you didn’t want to see, maybe you didn’t love their taste in music, but things were ok, right? But, you’ve been dating for twenty three years at this point. Maybe you start to hate the way they laugh, the way they cough, the way they don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste. Maybe you hate how Mario Kart can never decide what to have for dinner. And all these little things start to build up in your mind, they start gnawing away at you. And maybe one day you meet another person you think is kind of cute. And you end up leaving Mario Kart for this new person, maybe their name is something like Hello Kitty and Sanrio Friends Racing.

Mario Kart doesn’t even get mad at you, they don’t throw your stuff out of the window, they just look sad and disappointed as you walk out the door.

But after you spend one day with your new partner, you realize what a terrible mistake you’ve made. Hello Kitty isn’t charming or clever. Hello Kitty doesn’t get your jokes, they don’t seem to have any sense of humor at all. Hello Kitty falls asleep in your bed, then immediately begins to fart and pick their nose in their sleep. Hello Kitty only ever wants to eat at Applebee’s. Hello Kitty believes in Bigfoot and says incredibly racist things when your friends are over. Hello Kitty hasn’t read a book since high school, and has no opinion on any current event, other than thinking Donald Trump would make a really good President. Hello Kitty might have looked cute, back when they were just something you daydreamed about when you were with Mario Kart, but after just one day you realize that Mario Kart was the best thing that ever happened to you. Mario Kart understood you, and loved you, and you walked out on them for… for _this_. You threw away the only good thing you had in your life for someone who has innumerable clipping errors and someone who has no quit option beyond pressing Alt+F4. You threw away the best kart racing game for the worst. And as you sit there on the foot of your bed, smoking a cigarette at 3 AM, staring into the darkness, you realize what a fool you are, as Hello Kitty farts loudly under the sheets.

You know Mario Kart will take you back, they will forgive you. But deep down, you also know that you no longer deserve them.