Here is my starter pack for anyone considering academia. As you can see… I’m very very happy here. #timewellspent
Conferences: Something everybody attends so they can say they attended.
Outreach: A slapstick demonstration of something you DON’T do, at an event for the public (that is mainly attended by scientists).
Grant applications: The theft of taxpayers’ money by promising to save the world, aided by large enough words so the public blindly trust you.
Collaborations: Where you travel crosscountry for a coffee, to discuss something you can already do alone, so that your boss appears well-connected and popular.
Scientific Publications: Lightly twisting a project student’s data to invent a terrifying news headline that delays taxpayers questioning where their money has gone.
Meetings: 2 hours spent at a table discussing problems that can’t possibly be solved at a table.
PhD: Taking complete responsibility for something that someone else has complete control over.
PPD Credits: Reward points for time spent NOT doing your job.
Seminars: An hour spent privately thinking about something relevant while watching someone discuss something irrelevant.
Workshops: An excuse for free travel to see the inside of a hotel suite to learn something you could have Googled from home.
Networking: Where you’re persuaded with free pizza to speak to people you otherwise couldn’t care less about (so you can email them for a favour later).
Work functions: An opportunity to practice your fake laughter whilst competing to see who has the most travel stories. Also known as ‘holiday anecdotes from middle class millenials’.
Poster displays: Free wallpaper that demonstrates powerpoint skills.
Training Program: Cheap labour in which you’re expected to produce work at the forefront of your field (without training).
COME ON EVERYBODY! SIGN UP NOW!
Do you enjoy the soul destroying process of your brain being leeched from your ears, through a dull and benign waste of your sacred life energy? Then a PhD is just what you’re looking for.