I want to kill baby nut.

I want to step on baby nut, and watch it crack into a thousand pieces. Just the crunch alone will satisfy me for the rest of the year. The thought of me killing the very mascot of Planters makes me jump up out of my chair, with one foot in the air, as if to stomp on the computer-generated imbecile that is baby nut. I have bought many packets of peanuts only to step on every peanut individually. I can’t stop. My local bank says that currently I’ve spent $256 on packets of peanuts in the past 2 days alone. I can’t help it. Every waking hour of my life I think about the sheer pressure that my foot will have on the helpless nut, killing him almost immediately. I can already see the look on his face. He is looking at me with his mouth open as wide as possible. He is paralysed at the shock of the force I am going to put on him. He is thinking, “What have I done to deserve this? Why me?” Right as he is squashed. His life flashes before his eyes, he sees a camera in his face, being recorded for the official Mr Peanut account on Twitter. I have done research online on what the heaviest shoe that fits me is, just so I can be prepared for when I finally catch him. I don’t care if he isn’t real. I’m coming for him and I am incredibly prepared.

Now, you may be wondering, “Hey, why did you not capitalize baby nut’s name?”. Answer to that query in its simplest form is that I think that he is so undeserving of anything that he doesn’t even deserve capitalization. He is inferior to even the lowest of people of [r/iamatotalpieceofshit](https://www.reddit.com/r/iamatotalpieceofshit/). He is worth nothing.

Baby nut, if you see this, just know that I am coming, and there’s nothing you can do about it.