What’s that, you made a fucking OkCupid, a little dating profile? You expect to find your next hookup? Well, let me take a moment to congratulate you, the monkey learned a trick. Look at you, uploading pictures, spewing your vile filth all over this website, huh? Congratulations! You must have have an IQ in the double digits! Here’s a little piece of advise, slick: next time you’re gonna ghost me, a gr8 person? Just make sure you don’t pick Ellie Parker, daughter of the Papa Parker Pizza empire. I have bought people like you. I have destroyed people like you. It’s nothing for me to call up my father and have every pizza jockey in the nation have a photo of you, right above their oven. Thinking about you, my personal army of pizza makers. They’ll put sauce on you. They’ll lay you out. They’ll swing you around in the air just like in the old movies.

Then they’ll destroy you.

Piece by piece. Piece by delicious piece. Cheesy piece by cheesy crust piece. They’ll destroy you. That’s option one. Option two is you can apologize to me. Just say you’re sorry. Takes a big man to apologize, don’t it? Humble yourself before a goddess, a pizza goddess?

Anyway. That’s about it. Go fuck yourself.