Im thinking about shitting in a condom, freezing it, then mailing it to my long distance girlfriend in an ice box so she can use it as a dildo while thinking about me

Ill mostly be eating PF Changs to prepare my custom made “shildo”. Do you guys think I should use fedex or ups for this? You can send climate controlled objects right? Id also like to send some flowers with it and I don’t want them to wilt. She lives in Bangkok Thailand and I live in Springfield Missouri.