So this one goes a while back but still carries so significant amounts of shame and horror I think about it often.

Reverse to some years ago during highschool days. I had a GF who was pretty hot in my standards. I was no looker but managed to make girls laugh a lot and that gave me an edge. So we’ve been dating for a while and she’s convinced me I should come and stay at her parents vacation home during some holiday i cannot recall now. I’d been avoiding this for as long as possible but in my feebleness I finally succumbed to her wishes. She was a really good girl with good grades and mostly healthy interests. Both her parents were dentists and had bought this really nice estate close to the beach with a forest backdrop. So I’m introduced to her parents and feel a slightly judgmental and unfriendly look from her dad like but her mom is really friendly and welcoming. It has to be said I was a drummer and wore it as a lifestyle with the mandatory grungy wardrobe at the time. I smoked like a chimney and might’ve been the stuff of her dad’s nightmares considering how he looked at me. Might not have been his ideal picture BF material for his daughter.

We’re installed in a room upstairs with a view of the beach, real nice and cozy. We chew our way through some awkward conversations during dinner time and her dad asks me a couple of questions about my family and my plans for the future. I did not manage to impress him with any of my answers. At one point he just looked at his daughter while I was answering one of his questions like “really, this guy?”. Her mom was self-sedating with some decent Pinot noir and luckily distracted him when he was getting ready to stick the knife in with a question of how I thought playing music could provide for a family or even just supply a reasonable and steady income of any kind. So by this point I’m getting a feeling he’s not all that keen on me being with his daughter.

After some less awkward coffee session in the lounge we’re going to bed. I can just feel her dad’s eyes in my back when I walk behind her up the stairs to our room. It’s like a stinging sensation I imagine you would feel from a laser cutting through your skin. He’s not exactly loving the idea of hosting a lovemaking session between his beloved daughter and some grungy drummer boy with total lack of ability to provide. Now that I’m older I can probably understand him.

So we’re getting it on in the bed. At this point we’ve had sex before and have found a couple of ideal positions we cycle through. She’s really in the mood and jumps on top of me and the rodeo is in town. She’s probably getting close to climaxing, because she’s riding real fast and I feel like we’re making a lot of noise at this point. I whisper to her we should probably take it down a notch before someone hears us but she can’t hear me so she leans closer to my face. And then something unexpected happened so fast. As she leaned forward she accidentally slipped of the drummer-boner and sat back on it but in the other hole (it went all the way in like a jackhammer), she let out a real loud scream like a hen laying an extra large egg and then passed out completely on top of me like she was rung up by Mike Tyson.

So imagine lying on a bed with an unconscious GF on top of you with your murder boner up her butt and a total panicking feeling in your body while you can hear thundering footsteps approaching up the stairs towards your room. I don’t imagine most people would like to know how that feels but my thought was it’s probably not someone coming with milk and cookies. I try elegantly to toss the unconscious GF off myself but she’s so slippery from all the lovemaking that I drop her on the floor and she lands, still unconscious, spread eagle on her stomach with a condom hanging out her butt. I did not find this particular position of the unconscious GF ideal considering i had no time to reposition nor her or myself before some very intrigued parents of hers would be standing in the room. During the strenuous lovemaking we’d tossed all pillows and blankets on the floor so I had nothing to cover my not-so-raging-murder-boner with but my hands.

So there I lay naked on the bed covering my fast receding boner with my hands as her dad powered through the door like a cop during a drug bust. Irrationally i just let out a weak little scream as he saw me and I can fully appreciate how that didn’t make the situation any less weird for him. He started yelling what I’d done to his little daughter (weird right) and telling his wife to call an ambulance. His daughter is still unconscious in the less than ideal position on the floor with the tragically revealing condom sticking out of her butt. The whole scene is just completely absurd at this point. I think he’d be less angry with me if I’d just straight up killed her. He’s screaming at me what happened and I just whimper something like i think it slipped in by accident and she just passed out. Even though this seemed like a fairly obvious explanation in the situation it only managed to anger him further. Now enters her mom the room and she looks at me in both pity and disgust, still covering the close to non-existent boner with my shaking hands, as she throws me a towel to cover myself before she covers her eyes with her hands. Her dad is yelling still while listening for signs of life from his “beloved little daughter” (at this point I’m not even able to comprehend how fucked up it is to talk like that about your naked and unconscious 19 YO daughter with a condom sticking out of her butt).

My GF (I guess she was still technically my GF at this point) started slowly coming to her senses again and the first thing she sees is her father kneeling by her side as she slowly realized she was naked and then look up at me and my naked body I just saw terror in her eyes before she started crying, still spread eagle with a condom sticking out her butt. I swear to God, when she started crying the commotion caused the condom to pop back out and slide humiliatingly slow down on the floor like a polio-stricken smurf. I just couldn’t contain the absurdity of the escalation and my eyes just locked in on the smurfy looking condom until i was pulled back to reality by the yelling dad. Like is this really happening. At this point he’s completely overcome by uncontrollable rage and disgust and just starts yelling and screaming at me again and says i should get out of his house, in some terms my memory wisely has since chosen to suppress. I recall the theme being mostly about the end of my life and unforgivable defamation of his offspring. I remember it like he’s even yelling nonsense sounds out of total distress while looking for any words meaningful to this utterly horrible situation. Her mom is still just keeping her face in her hands and crying uncontrollably.

I try to gather my clothes and tumble out of the room and down the stairs while trying to get dressed. I hear her dad sobbing away and his daughter chiming in with unison sobbing as I gather my things on my way out of the house. I start to hear sirens while I’m getting dressed and on my way out I see an ambulance coming down the street. I sighed in relief there wasn’t a police car as well. I of course never talked to her or her parents ever again. I haven’t done butt stuff ever since.

TLDR; Accidentally rammed my boner up GF’s butt and KO’ed her at her parents house resulting in chaos.