I remember the first time I heard the word fetish. I was staying home sick from school and watching the old Price is Right/American Gladiators/Jerry Spring trifecta. This ripped gay asian dude (gaysian??) is brought on stage for Springer and he’s sitting alone in the center of the stage on the customary stool. Jerry goes up to him and asks him to tell him about his relationship. He’s talking about how he’s been seeing this dude for a while now and he really loves him and he thinks he hears wedding bells in the future. Then Jerry drops the bomb on him, your boyfriend has something he wants to tell you. And, I’m not quite sure on the exact sequence of events, but the boyfriend comes out before said bomb is dropped. He then tells this Asian (don’t know for sure on exact ethncicity, I’d guess Vietnamese, but def american born) dude that he has an armpit fetish. Asian guy gets upset because he knows about it but it grosses him out and then dude tells him “THAT’S WHY I’VE BEEN SEEING ANOTHER MAN!!” Asian dude puts both hands on his mouth in horror, elbows tucked in towards his chest as this kinda skinny bald white dude comes out, rips off his shirt, and holds his arms up to reveal these fucking crazy hairy armpits. And the boyfriend just runs up to em and stars licking them. Like really going at it. Asian dude is on the verge of tears and vomit, as am I. And I swear there is some gross cottage cheese looking shit in this guy’s armpits. There’s a general back and forth about how its gross and how could you do this, I loved you but you couldn’t do this for me and I needed it. And I think they broke up.

And I know what you’re thinking. How did he go on stage and expect anything but bad news? Its the goddamn Jerry Springer show. Nothing good happens there for the contestants. So it has to be fixed, right? That’s what I’m thinking. But the asian dude looked so genuinely confused and hurt. Like I was really feeling for this dude. The man of his dreams gave up their relationships to lick some strange armpit cheese. And either that dude is a GREAT actor or that shit was real. And I just don’t know what to think and it bothers me like 15 years later now.

The end.