Divorce is clearly the only option. Or self-medication. Possibly have a tongue-ectomy. Feign madness. Join a circus. Move to that beach shack you’ve always been fantasizing about. Change your mailing address. Feign your death. Become a spy first and then feign your death. Silly string. Defecate in public, randomly. Defecate in private, randomly. Consider — YES HONEY, I’LL BE RIGHT THERE — throwing a barbecue where you cook her relatives and serve them to her. Crop dust at every opportunity. Blame the dog. Give up and walk around in Fruit of the Looms. Scratch yourself at every opportunity. Have you tried a face tattoo? Recruit your father in law. Have buttsex with your father-in-law. Poison her chihuahua. Or her Pomeranian. Or both. Ok, forget those last because even yappy dogs are better than your MIL. Become a drag queen (make sure to tuck). Become a pageant queen. Strike down upon her with great vengeance and furious anger so that she will know your name is the Lord when you lay your vengeance upon her. Fish-flavored chewing gum. Abide.