Has Quarantine changed me? Absolutely. I’m coming out of this a brand new person. No more nice guy me. No more little, puny, tiny, “gotta respect m’lady,” weak, sweats at the sight of an exposed ankle guy. I’m done simping myself along through life, salivating after every last 4.5 or above that I see. For too long I have whored out my masculine energy to women I placed on pedestals, prostituted my god-given seed into the little envelope between my pillow and my pillowcase, and in the place of my natural manhood I have allowed FEMININITY and IMMASCULATION to weaken my manly bones. It’s time to bring the testosterone back. From now on, I will recognize that I have TESTOSTERONE, and because of that, I am above women. I will insult attractive women. I will spit upon them, my saliva being the words I type through Instagram direct messaging. I will smash thick weights and then engage in prolonged sexual encounters with my PUMPED reflection. I will bathe in ice from 4 to 8:30 AM every morning. I will walk into the forest, unbound by clothing, and relinquish my toxins with a mighty, masculine shriek. I will become one with the coyotes that ate my childhood rabbit. I will eat spines. I will be a man’s man for no man but this man, man. Has quarantine changed me? Absolutely.