Once upon a time, there is me. I invent a reverse shrink-ray that can make microscopic organisms grow to the size of soccer balls.

I’m asked to maintain a sample of COVID particles. For whatever reason, I drop the sample onto the concrete laboratory floor. I am not wearing a mask, so I am petrified – I grab my reverse shrink ray and point it towards the forbidden floor.

All of a sudden, there is a quick ”WHOOMPH” sound. Suddenly there are dozens of soccer ball sized coronaviruses. They look both rubbery and slimy – but they are not inanimate. They slowly roll towards me, in an attempt to infect my body. I grab a pair of inflatable lungs and throw it towards the door at the other end of the lab. The coronaviruses abruptly jump about half a foot into the air and make a high pitched noise that I can only describe as excitation. They rush towards the pair of inflatable lungs and begin to roll all over them and jump on them. Molesting them. In the process of this, the inflatable lungs pop.

Sweat begins to drip from my forehead as I see that the coronaviruses mingle about in a confused manner, wondering where the inflatable pair of lungs had went. They then stop still for a couple of moments, then they all turn and roll towards my desk. I begin to get angry. My fists clench and I can feel my insides shaking. I lurch from my desk and grab the closest coronavirus. This coronavirus was by far the bravest one, because it approached before all of the others – who were waiting near the end of the room.

Before I do anything, I go onto YouTube and play ”DANGANRONPA OST: -1-25- Extra Lessons for the Unlucky” on my laptop.

I subsequently pick up the coronavirus and slam it onto my desk. It lets out a high pitched wailing noise as if it were in pain. I reach out under my desk for some tools and I find a hammer. I get the hammer and begin to pluck out each of the coronavirus’s spike proteins one-by-one. I slowly pluck out the first one – it stretches a bit before it is plucked out. When I plucked out the first one, the coronavirus let out a high pitched yelp, and it began shaking convulsively. I did this over and over for what seemed like 30 times, until there were no more spike proteins on the coronavirus. The coronavirus whimpered and sobbed, attempting to roll away to its friends. I grab the hammer, stand up from my desk, and smash the coronavirus full-force with the blunt end of the hammer.

A loud ”SPLOSH” sound echoes through the room. Mucus goes all into my face and eyes, which I wipe off using my labcoat’s sleeve. All that’s left is the outer coating of the coronavirus and a yellowish mucus. The coronaviruses are now petrified and shaking – whimpering and sobbing like their dead comrade – smashed to bloody pieces by a mere hammer!

But the door is shut – the coronaviruses have no way of escaping. This was my turn now.

I grab another coronavirus and shove it into a microwave. I set the microwave to 2 minutes 30 seconds. At the 2 minute mark the coronavirus began to scream and swell up. I could see it starting to bubble up and deform – right up until there was a loud ”SPLISH!” sound – and the microwave was filled with thick yellow mucus!

I grab another one. This time I get a tank of hand sanitizer and throw it in there. It instantly sinks to the bottom. I hear gurgled screams of agony for a few seconds, causing a few bubbles to rise up – then silence. I see spike proteins suddenly all float up to the top of the tank, which then dissolved into nothing after a few seconds.

I grab another one. This time I get a Mario hat a relative gave me years ago, and I start playing ”Super Mario Bros Overworld Theme” on my lab laptop. The coronavirus tries to roll away. ”Pathetic!” I say, as it’s much too slow to escape my wrath. I stomp on the coronavirus after jumping high into the air, both feet accurately landing on the absolute viral scum below.

”SPLUFFFF” – there’s nothing but yellow mucus under my feet. I jump onto another one. ”BLAFFF” – instantly reduced to yellow mucus.

A coronavirus screams – it jumps approximately 5.2 feet into the air – luckily, I have a frying pan in my hand and I do a home-run whack at it – instantly shattering it into gory pieces.

I’m on a roll. There’s only a few left, and their resistance is futile.

I get a bowling ball and YEET that shit as hard as I can toward one of the coronaviruses with all of my unkempt fury. It’s a direct hit – ”SPPPPLAT” – it’s flattened against a wall. Completely flat like a fine pancake!

Then there’s the very last one. This is the big moment – I go back onto YouTube to play ”DANGANRONPA OST: -1-03- Punishment Rocket” on my laptop. I then go to grab a pellet gun. The coronavirus is so frightened that it’s spinning around in circles whimpering and screaming as it looks at all of the puddles of yellow mucus that have saturated the lab room.

I aim my pellet gun at the lone coronavirus – a direct hit! There’s now a small wound where the pellet entered. Mucus begins to leak from the hole and the coronavirus is crying and writhing in pain. I then grab it and throw it against a wall, causing more to spurt out. It screams again. I get the hammer and pluck out all of its spike proteins one by one, it shudders in agony with each pluck. I then get a water gun filled with hand sanitizer and squirt some at it as it rolls around. The rest of its spike proteins fall off due to this. I throw it into the microwave for 30 seconds so it gets hot enough to suffer but not to die. It screams and wails in the microwave – I hear thuds against the microwave door as the coronavirus rams itself into the door in an attempt to escape.

As the finishing blow, I get an axe and chop it in half. ”SQUIFF!” the coronavirus is literally chopped in half. There’s nothing but puddles of thick yellow mucus in the lab room, and I have some cleaning up to do. I tell my client that the COVID sample was dealt with appropriately.

This is how I murder COVID. This is my fantasy – to destroy COVID, painfully.