From their cables, FANAKIN and KATHLEEN both spot something that causes them to stop fighting. The lava river ahead drops off in a tremendous lava fall.

SNAPPING AND METAL GROANS are heard as the main plot of The Rise of Skywalker starts to break away and move toward the lava fall. KATHLEEN looks around and sees a small floating platform making its way toward the tower.

KATHLEEN does a double hack-flip and lands squarely on the floating platform. She immediately leans to one side and moves away from the tower.

FANAKIN realizes Star Wars is doomed as the entire sequel trilogy heads for the falls. In the distance he sees some RETCON DROIDS. He swings back to the tower, climbs up and makes a running leap and miraculously lands on A WRITER DROID. The DROID is confused by Palpatine’s resurrection and chatters to his CO-WORKER. Any chance of a reasonable explanation goes over the lava flow and disappears in the mist of sparks below.

KATHLEEN heads for the bank of the lava river, but Fanakin’s DROID is faster. He catches up with his old Master.

KATHLEEN and FANAKIN continue the swordfight. They battle away, balancing on the tiny platform and puzzled DROID. FANAKIN, standing on the Droid, approaches OBI-WAN on the work platform.

KATHLEEN: I have failed you, Fanakin. I was never able to teach you to be woke.

FANAKIN and KATHLEEN confront each other on the lava river.

FANAKIN: I should have known the SJWs were plotting to take over . . .

KATHLEEN: From the Bigots!!! Fanakin, being a white male is evil.

FANAKIN: From the SJW point of view! From my point of view, being a Mary Sue is evil.

KATHLEEN: Well, then you are lost!

FANAKIN: This is the end for you, My Master. I wish it were otherwise.

FANAKIN jumps and flips onto KATHLEEN’s platform. The fighting continues again until KATHLEEN jumps toward the safety of the “you’re being sexist” and “you hate Star Wars” cop-outs. She yells at Fanakin.

KATHLEEN: It’s over, Fanakin. I have the moral high ground.

FANAKIN: You underestimate my reasonable criticisms!

KATHLEEN: Don’t try it.

FANAKIN tries to write a bad review of the sequels on Rotten Tomatoes, and KATHLEEN cuts her young apprentice at the knees, then cuts off any directors who don’t agree with her in the blink of an eye. FANAKIN tumbles down the embankment and rolls to a stop near the edge of the lava.

FANAKIN struggles to pull himself up the embankment with his mechanical hand. His thin leather glove has been burned off, just like my eyes after Kylo and Rey kissed. He keeps sliding down in the black sand.

KATHLEEN: (continuing) . . . You were the Targeted One! It was said that you would like the Sequels, not hate them. It was you who would bring money to the Disney, not leave it in darkness.

KATHLEEN picks up Fanakin’s light saber and begins to walk away. She stops and looks back, offering Fanakin a Porg toy and a same-sex kiss between two unnamed extras.

FANAKIN: I hate you!

OBI-WAN: You were my audience, Fanakin. I loved you.

FANAKIN’S clothing blows into the lava river and ignites. Suddenly FANAKIN bursts into flames and starts SCREAMING ON THE INTERNET.