You enter All-Star mode, hot off of 3 consecutive 9.9 Classic runs. You need a new challenge. Something fierce. This will be your finest conquest.

You pick Ganondorf, because you are playing correctly.

## Attempt 1

Not knowing exactly what to expect, you go in blind and are greeted by an ever spawning number of fighters. 4 at a time, spawning in order of their first game. Surely this order will not be of important consequences later.

A respectable 40 KOs locks itself in as your first score, having been demolished by a fully charged Mewtwo blast. However, this run has taught you two very valuable things.

1. This AI is not the normal AI. They are custom built to spam their projectiles and hide. This could cause problems.

2. The AI knows it is expendable, if killing you is the result. They will sacrifice their lives to end your run.

You stare at the controller, knowing what must be done. You press X.

## Attempt 5

By this point, something has become very apparent. This is not a normal challenge. This is not something you can just “git gud” at. There’s… something there. Something foreign, yet familiar. Something sinister.

Lag. There’s lag everywhere. Every time a new fighter spawns, there’s lag. And that lag is costly. It costs you smash inputs. It costs you shields. It costs you platform drops that turn falling UpAirs into death-inviting UpTilts. You are unsure how you will overcome this. But you must.

## Attempt 29

You have realized that apparently JIGGLYPUFF ROLLOUT BEATS EVERY GODDAMN MOVE YOU HAVE. You persevere.

## Attempt 48

Your tactics have refined. You know that certain combinations of characters on the stage are insurmountable — and that sometimes, they spawn right after one another. You must grow faster. You now reset the game if you take more than 20 damage before seeing Palutena.

## Attempt 90

You have seen so much now. You have experienced the Pokemon Poundtown that occurs if you don’t instagib Mewtwo. You have gazed into the indescribable hell that is Bowser Jr/Villager/Olimar/Toon Link on stage at the same time. You know now that you are not yet on the level required to beat this. You must grow further.

## Attempt 106

The number of runs lost to PK Fire have retroactively damaged your opinion of Earthbound.

## Attempt 155

You have ascended beyond your limits. Your opening movement chain kills the first 15 characters before they even act now. You time destroying Wario’s opening bike by the lag spike Dedede causes. You dodge PK Fires before they are even thrown[.](https://i.imgur.com/rjVPcq2.jpg) Truly, you are the peak of everything that is Smash. Yet victory eludes you still.

## Attempt 161

The shaking controller in your hands reminds you that you have not eaten in hours. You pause to eat food and then return. Your body feels sustained now, but the time away causes your next several runs to be much worse. You are not sure it was a good trade.

## Attempt 193

You are back to your old form. No. Better. Former run killers like Snake and Bayonetta are meaningless before your might. Only the combined projectile bullshit that mystically twirls itself together on-stage stands before you. But you will overcome it.

## Attempt 199

You pause after a fresh Forward Smash kills Bowser but not Ice Climbers, to question the foundation of mathematics. After some time, you mutter “fucking ice climber bullshit goddamn cocksucker popo” before unpausing.

## Attempt 218

You wonder if Animal Crossing was created by a time traveler who jumped forward and found out that by creating these characters, he could make your All-Star run an absolute living hell years later. You accept this as the truth and move forward.

## Attempt 270

This is it. You have died to absolutely every form of bullshit possible. You have died to being stage spiked by a Pichu jolt. You have died to having Diddy’s banana peel reflected by Dr. Mario’s cape. Every character you have seen has at one point fallen off the stage in an act of defiance against their own preservation, solely to ensure your recovery would fail. You have died to both Peach AND Daisy pulling death veggies in the same run. The game will have to invent entirely NEW bullshit to kill you if it hopes to beat you now.

## Attempt 271

The game has invented new bullshit, and its name is Chrom Counter.

## Attempt 294

You think the lag is actually some form of morse code spelling out “FUCK YOU”. You still lack concrete proof against this, hours later.

## Attempt 303

You have met Incineroar. God has blinked. He would be a runkiller at any point, yet he shows up so close to victory. Fate is cruel.

## Attempt 310

For the first time in the entire night, you fucked up your opening movement so badly that Mr. Game & Watch hit you with a move. You pause to weep before hitting X.

## Attempt 338

You realize that if anyone were to ever comment to you that Team Attack should be off again, you can simply have them play this mode for 15 seconds and settle the subject immediately. It is the most positive thought in your mind in hours.

## Attempt 389

You’ve gotten so good at killing Ken and Ryu you think they should name it after you like a special technique.

## Attempt 408

You accidentally hit B instead of X, taking you back to the character selection screen. You realize this is your chance. You could stop now and no one would blame you.

You hit start.

## Attempt 444

Your mind begins to meld with the game. You think you can understand the lag now. It will lead you to victory.

You’re wrong. You hit X.

## Attempt 460

If Villager hits you with another one of those goddamn fucking rockets you are seriously going to lose your shit.

## Attempt 461

ASJSDJHGESJAWEMFEWKFAWEKJFJNHAERGIAEJSFIKSDKFASD

## Attempt 477

A near flawless opening of a run ends with watching your character fall inertly to his death after Squirtle’s Water Gun floats you barely out of ledge grab range. Morale is low.

## Attempt 499

You sit slightly more forward on your couch. *Yes, that was the issue.*

## Attempt 500

Your cat does something stupid in the other room and it causes you to lose the run. That was definitely going to be THE run. You start thinking the cat is not as committed to this victory as you are.

## Attempt 519

You ran out of amusing things to say 100 attempts ago yet HERE YOU STILL FUCKING ARE.

## Attempt 535

You can’t tell if the game has started lagging more or if your brain has started lagging.

## Attempt 614

Sleep is inevitable. Your body is deprived of all nutrients that maintain it except pure, unending rage. Finally, you collapse on the floor.

## Attempt 615

You awake the next morning and reach 71 fighters on your first effort. This was not that difficult, apparently.

But then you find out the terrible truth.

# IT FUCKING LOOPS BACK TO MR GAME AND WATCH

# THE PAIN TRAIN NEVER ENDS

You kill Mr. Game & Watch one more time before releasing your body to the sweet embrace of death. You close Smash. You contemplate your very existence. All is meaningless. All-star mode has won.

^(and you haven’t even fought the DLC yet)