Or at least he’s trying to.

I’m in my late 30s, he is in his early 40s. We have been married for almost 10 years. No kids. In the last year he came out as bisexual but not by choice. I caught him talking to men on grindr. He swore he never physically cheated and was just exploring fantasies he never had the chance to explore. We went through a significant rough patch but ultimately I decided to give him another chance.

Several months ago he asked if I would consider an “open relationship” to allow him to experiment with a man. I said that wasn’t something I could ever be comfortable and if he needs to do this then the only option is to separate. I have tried to be patient and understanding. He said he didn’t need it and I should forget he even asked.

Since the grindr incident I have no fully trusted him and i admit I looked at his phone without permission. He has been texting an 18 year old young man for well over a month. The messages are sexual and he (my husband) is very overtly asking for more. I don’t know if anything has happened in person.

This is not a young man he met online, at work, at a bar. That would still be horrifying to me but at least slightly more acceptable. He is our close mutual friends’ foster son who we have known for years. I was aware he was gay but I never would have dreamed this would happen. He is a child to me.

I admit that at first I was angry with the young man but I understand he is young and vulnerable and it is my husband who is in the wrong. From the messages I saw, he was not encouraging this and some of his responses to my husband seemed uncomfortable. I can’t blame him.

I have not yet spoken to my husband. I don’t know what to say. He knows something is up because he is being overly considerate and attentive. I know I need to leave, I couldn’t ever feel the same about him after this. I don’t know if I should say anything to the young man or his foster parents.