Seriously, fuck grape jelly. Have you ever tried to spread grape jelly on a piece of bread? Yeah, you’ve tried and you’ve sucked at it. That shit’s ridiculous. Trying to spread around this gelatinous demon apparently only infuriates it, causing it to hold tighter to its original, bulbous, form. Oh you wanted a nice uniform layer on your sandwich? Too fucking bad. Three giant globs somewhere near the center and whatever the hell that transparent jelly-water shit is everywhere else. And don’t tell me I’m doing it wrong. I shouldn’t have to do jelly right. It spreads or it doesn’t and grape jelly is that one-shitty-coworker-you-know-who-doesn’t-even-pretend-to-get-shit-done-because-nepotism of fruit spreads. Sure, strawberry jelly sometimes sucks to spread too but that’s because there’s actual fucking chunks of strawberries in there. There’s a goddamn reason strawberry jelly don’t spread well and a very tasty one at that. Are there chunks of grapes in grape jelly? Fuck no. Shit doesn’t even taste like grapes. What’s it taste like? It tastes like the mountain of sugar they tossed in there to make you think you like the taste of grape jelly but you don’t. You just fucking don’t. Don’t even lie.

So, in conclusion, fuck grape jelly. I’m gonna go get some raspberry jelly now. That shit’s delicious.