I am deathly afraid of the hypothetical scenario in which I have to fight Tony the Tiger. I know you’ll all read this and think it’s some kind of joke. Yeah no. I am 100% serious. I am legitimately scared of Tony the Tiger.

Look, I can tell the difference between what’s real and fiction. I know Tony is a made up cereal mascot. But just think about it, in the event that he were to somehow come to life, he would be absolutely terrifying. Take some time to consider the 2 scariest things you could ever get in a fight with. The natural answers are a bodybuilder and a tiger.

Imagine having to fight both in one.

You can’t tell me you’d even stand a chance against that. There is absolutely no scenario where you come out of this on top. It’s not even up for consideration. Tony the Tiger would wreck both me and you. Add that on top of the fact that you can’t go for the balls as a weakness since they didn’t draw any on him. Not to mention the guy eats his Frosted Flakes every day.

I’m aware Tony is a nice guy in the commercials and likely wouldn’t instigate a fight, but let’s say he had a reason. Maybe you messed with kids in his commercials who eat Frosted Flakes right before their big soccer game. You can’t tell me that Tony would not unleash a fury upon you that would make the wrath of hell seem like child’s play.

The boundaries of fiction are the only thing keeping me from my impending doom at the hands of Tony, because if my deepest fears see the light of day and Tony does indeed eventually come to life, I can guarantee that the first thing he’s gonna do is instinctively come to my home, break down my door, and stare me directly in the eyes, both of us knowing exactly what’s about to go down. Our battle is inevitable. Tony is aware of this and so am I. The moment he crosses the fabric of reality is the moment he comes to face me and do what was always meant to happen.

I’ve seen this enough times in my head to be at least 90% sure that this is how I’m gonna die.