I Don’t Know What My Wife’s Boobs Look Like

My wife and I have been together for almost 10 years. We have had sex less than 50 times, which we attribute to her hormonal birth control causing low libido. When we do have sex, it’s always missionary with her motionless on bottom, in the dark, and she keeps her shirt on (pulling it down if I try to pull it up). I’ve tried to help with her insecurity but she doesn’t like it. I’ve tried asking her what I could do to make it better but she always says she’ll think about it and then never tell me. I’d like to think I’m unselfish in bed since there’s unreciprocating oral and sometimes she doesn’t want to continue on after that. I respect her boundaries and want her to feel comfortable so I have stopped pushing for anything more.

When I’m really erotically charged, I will ask if she’s down, and she’ll usually say yes, but I know she’s just saying that and going through the motions so I don’t “get it somewhere else” (her words). However, I really don’t want to have sex with someone that doesn’t want to, even though I have selfishly given in basically every time.

Now for the title explanation. I reluctantly and guiltily started watching porn occasionally because I have a fairly high sex drive, coupled with a few fantasies, and sometimes need a release. One time while I was scrolling for something to watch, I came across a picture ad with a topless woman. Before I scrolled up to see the face, I knew exactly who it was. I don’t follow any specific nude model or pornstar, and have only seen this woman a handful of times. In and of itself, not a big deal, but it got me thinking, “I couldn’t pick my wife’s boobs out of a lineup”. I have seen my wife naked, but not voluntarily. My thought quickly led to, “I know a pornstar’s boobs better than my wife’s” which was disheartening to hear myself think.

There’s more to a relationship than sex, and I do love her in spite of my unquenched, selfish desires, but physical intimacy is even more important to me than I had realized before we got married. We’ll be fine, as we’ve been through worse, but I wanted to get this off my chest.