>Be me

>6’2 180lbs straight cis white male

>Strolling down the street flaunting my able-bodied privilege

>Suddenly I feel a twitch in the ol’ oppression rod

>Itshappening.gif

>I put on my robe and MAGA hat

>Follow the directions of my ivory tower

>See beautiful pink-haired bodypositive polygender queer feminist

>Xhe’s dropped xir dissertation on the road

>See the title page by my foot: “Straight white men: How much longer?”

>Xhe looks up at me in terror

>Weak, effeminate button of my jeans can no longer hold back my straining hymen hammer

>14.88 inches of pure male supremacy flop out in front of her face

>It’s wearing a MAGA hat too

>”I was just trying to…” xhe starts

>I hold up my hand for silence

>Pindrop.wav

>Close my eyes and gather the full power of my entitlement

>Unlimitedpower.gif

>The sky goes dark

>Thunder roars as a storm whips up around us

>The papers are drawn towards me in a flurry

>Order themselves perfectly in my hand, the world once again bending over backwards to make life easier for straight white males

>She hesitantly reaches out her hand to take it

>The force of my privilege has sucked her genders away

>My hand brushes hers as I hand the paper over

>She is instantly pregnant with healthy male twins

>”Th-thank you,” she whispers, tears of horror streaming down her face

>”Don’t worry.” I say chauvinistically

>She’s terrified

>Knows what’s coming next

>”It.”

>100lbs of genetics are ripped away, forcing skinny normalisation on her

>”Was”

>Persecution python has grown even larger

>Dragging on the floor

>Donttreadonme.jpg

>”My”

>Title of her paper changes: “Apple flakes to ziti bakes: 101 kitchen secrets to please your man.”

>”Privilege!”

>Her shoes shrivel and disappear, leaving her barefoot

>Pavement splits in two as a kitchen sink is thrust up from the earth in front of her

>Men across the world embrace and kiss each other in celebration of the patriarchy’s final victory, but not in a gay way

>Trump and Putin high-five as they spitroast social justice

>Light shines down from heaven as Jesus returns to Earth

>mfw son of God gives me a sly wink.