holy shit, I never thought I’d get the chance to tell this story. I can’t tell people in real life because they will never believe me, and I guess you guys will probably call me a liar too, but whatever.
I went on a date with Taylor Swift before she got super famous. It was right out of high school, when she was making a name for herself, but not yet a gigantic deal. I knew her because we lived near each other. It was the craziest thing, really, I only asked her out on a dare because even not famous, she was way out of my league. But it turns out she was really nice and enjoyed the opportunity to go hang out for a while (she always had a reputation as a girl who burns the candle at both ends, and she’s always stressed, so I think she just wanted to relax). It was a pretty basic “just out of high school” date. We went to see a movie and I got to feel like a jackass rolling up to her super nice house in my POS datsun honeybee. Don’t let her early work fool you, she’s a rich kid.
Anyway, on to the crap you guys are actually wanting to hear about. So, after the movie and some dinner, we go back to my place to listen to some music. After a while, she pretends to be interested in checking out the hiking trails out behind my house. She said she really enjoys being out in the woods, but I figured she just wanted to be away from my parents. So we get out into the woods and very quickly get into some heavy making out. Clothes go everywhere, and that’s when this story starts to take its turn.
Gentlemen, I have some things to tell you about Taylor Swift. First thing: turns out she loves giving head. Pretty much the most enthusiastic beej of my life happened on that trail. She couldn’t get enough. However, she’s terrible at it. She’s got heart, but I hope for all future guys’ sakes that she took some lessons. She’s all teeth, and she’s got that thing where her tongue is just ridiculously rough. After a while of that, we get down to the main event. Another thing you should know about her is that she is somewhat…hairier than one might expect from a super hot rich girl. I never got to ask her what was up with that, actually. So anyway, we’re getting our awkward teenage bone on, and she’s just as crazy as she was before. Except this time she’s just straight up clawing my back to shreds. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t make it where I needed to go, but god DAMN I was expecting some kind of revelation from her. It was one of those things where it is so disappointing because you had expected so much from it.
So, after it was all said and done, we’re putting our clothes back on, when I notice that I’m actually bleeding from my back. I had known she had hear heart in it, but I didn’t expect for her to draw blood. But then I noticed her nails were longer and sharper than I had noticed before.
And that’s when I started to put it all together.
She Clawed my back. her BJ was all teeth. She likes being in the woods. She went on a date with a guy driving a Datsun Honeybee.
Guys, Taylor Swift is a motherfucking bear.
I must have shown on my face when I put it all together, because she got a glint in her beady black eyes and roared. I didn’t even bother putting my clothes back on, I just ran for dear life. Luckily, I knew the woods behind my house better than she did. Even more luckily, I was able to squeeze through some spots that her 1000lb frame just couldn’t get. Winter was coming soon, I knew if she caught me I’d be killed and stuffed into the cave she cleverly disguised as an expansive suburban home so that she could keep her energy up before hibernation began. I eventually wound up hiding in a stump by a stream until she gave up and left. It was the most frightened I’ve ever been in my life.
TL;DR don’t date burgeoning starlets. You never know who they really are.