Help! I was taking a giganta-dumpster on the potty loo, when my feline pet came and sank her jaw bones into the base of my balls! It was bleeding rather badly and I tried to stop the bleeding with a safety pin, but it only made it worse! After that, I remember what I saw in the movie: “The Martian”, and I proceeded to staple my wounds together. But, to my sheer surprise, it only got worse! Now my penis is basically covered in red paint, and that bitch-ass cat is staring at me from the corner of the room. What do I do now???