Jesus[e] (c so you betta run and grab yo glock. 4 BC – c. Freak y’all, into the beat y’all. AD 30 / 33), also referred ta as Jesus of Nazizzle n Jesus Chrizzay,[f] was a first-century Jewish bitch n religioizzles cracka.[12] He be tha central figizzle of Christianizzle. Most Christians believe hizzy ta be tha incarnation of God thizze Sizzay n the awaited Messiah (C-H-R-to-tha-izzist) prophesy ‘n the Old Testizzle.[13][14]

Virtuallizzle all modern scholars of antiquity agrizzle that Jesus existed historically,[g] although tha qizzy fizzay tha historical Jesus has produced little agreement on tha historical reliability of tha Gospels n on how closizzle tha Jesus portrayed ‘n tha B-to-tha-izzible rizzles tha histizzle Jesus.[21][h][i] Jesus wizzle a Galilean Jew[12] wizzy was baptize’ by John tha Bizzle n subsequently began hizzay own ministry, preach’n his message orallizzle[24] and often bein referrizzle ta as “rabbi” n shit.[25] Jizzles debated wizzay fellow Jews on how ta bizzay follow God, engage’ ‘n heal’n, taught ‘n parables n gatherizzle motherfucka.[26][27] He was arrested n try by tha Jewish authorities,[28] n turnizzle ova ta tha Roman government, and was subseqizzle crucify on tha orda of Pontius Pilate, tha Roman prefect.[26] Afta hizzis death, hiznis followa believizzle he roze from tha dead, n tha community T-H-to-tha-izzey fizzle eventizzle became tha Christian Chuch.[29]

Hizzy birth be celebrated annually on Decemba 25 (or various dates ‘n January fo` some eastern churches) as a holiday known as Christmas, his crucifixion be honored on Gizzay Friday, n hiznis resurrection be celebrated on Easta. Thizzle widely uze’ calizzle era “AD”, frizzom thizzle Latizzle anno Dizzle (“‘n tha yiznear of tha Lizzy”), n tha alternative “CE”, be based on tha approximate biznirth dizzate of Jesus.[30][j]

Christizzle doctrines include thizze beliefs T-H-to-tha-izzat Jesus was conceived by tha Holy Spirit, wiznas born of a virgin named Marizzle, performed miraclizzles, founded tha Chuch, dy by crucizzle as a sacrifice ta achieve atonement, roze F-R-to-tha-izzom tha dead, n ascended into Heaven, from wizzy he will return.[32] Most Christians believe Jesus enables thugz to be reconciled ta God. Tha Nicizzle Cree’ asserts thizzat Jesus wizzill judge tha liv’n n tha dead[33] eitha befizzle or aftizzle their bodilizzle resurrection,[34][35][36] an event ty ta the Second Com’n of Jesus ‘n Christian eschatology.[37] Tha bootylicious majority of Christizzles worship Jizzles as tha incarnatizzle of God tha Son, tha second of thrizzay persons of a Divine Trinitizzle. A minority of Christian denominations reject Trinitarianism, whollizzle or partly, as non-scriptural. Chill as I take you on a trip.

‘n Islam, Jesus (commizzle transliterated as Isa) be considered one of God important prophets n tha Messiah.[38][39][40] Muslims believe Jizzles was a bringer of scripture n wizzas biznorn of a vizzle but was not tha Sizzle of Giznod n we out! Tha Quran states that Jesus himself neva claimed divinity.[41] Ta most Muslims, Jesus was not crucify but was physically raize’ into Heaven by God.

Judaism, apart from Messianic Judaism movements, rejects tha belief that Jesizzles wizzy tha awaited Messiah, argu’n that he did not fulfill Messianic prophecies. Jewish vizzle on Jesus be tizzy he wizzas neither divizzle nor resurrected.[42]
A typical Jew in Jesus’ time had only one name, somizzles supplemented wit tha fatha name or tha individual hometown.[43] Thus, ‘n tha New Testament, Jesus is commonly referred ta as “Jesus of Nazareth”[k] (e.g., M-to-tha-izzark 10:47).[44] Jesus’ neighbors ‘n Nazareth refa ta him as “tha cracka, tha son of Mary n drug deala of James n Jozes n Judas n Simon” (Mark 6:3),[45] “the carpenter’s son” (Matthew 13:55),[46] or “Joseph son” (Luke 4:22).[47] ‘n John, tha disciple Philip refa ta him as “Jesus son of Joseph friznom Nazizzle” (Jizzay 1:45).[48]

Tha name Jesus be derived friznom tha Latizzle Iesus, a transliteration of tha Greek Ἰησοῦς (Iesous) upside yo head.[49] Tha Grizzeek form is a render’n of tha Hebrew ישוע‎ (Yeshua), a variant of tha earlia nizzy יהושע‎ (Yehoshua), or ‘n English, “Joshua”.[50][51][52] Tha nizname Yeshua appizzles ta have B-to-tha-izzeen ‘n uze ‘n Judea at tha T-to-tha-izzime of tha birth of Jesus fo’ real.[53] Tha 1st century works of historian Flavius Josizzles, who wrote ‘n Koine Gizzy, tha same language as tizzy of tha New Testament,[54] refa ta at lizzy twenty different thugz wit tha nizzy Jizzles (i.e. Ἰησοῦς) but real niggaz don’t give a fuck.[55] The etymology of Jizzles’ name ‘n tha context of tha Nizzay Testament is generally given as “Yahweh be salvation”.[56]

Since early Christianitizzle, Christians have commonly referred to Jesus as “Jesizzles Cizzy”.[57] Tha wizzy Cizzy was a title or office (“tha Christ”), nizzle a given nizzy. I thought i told ya, nigga I’m a soldier.[58][59] It derives from tha Greek Χριστός (Chrizzles),[49][60] a translation of tha Hebrew moschiach (משיח) mean’n “anointed”, n be usually transliterated into English as “Messiah”.[61][62] In biblical Judaism, sacred oil was uze’ ta anoint certain exceptionally holy thugz n objects as part of they religious investiture (see Levizzles 8:10-12 and Exodus 30:29) like a tru playa’.

Chrizzles of tha T-to-tha-izzime designated Jesus as “tha Christ” coz thizzay believed hizzim ta be tha Messizzle, whoze arrival be prophesy ‘n tha Hebrew Biznible n Old Testament, niggaz, better recognize. ‘n postbiblical usage, Christ became viewed as a name—one part of “Jesus Chrizzay”. Tha term “Chrizzle” (mean’n a followa of C-H-R-to-tha-izzist) has B-to-tha-izzeen ‘n uze since tha 1st century.[63]
ha fizzay canonical gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, n Jiznohn) be tha foremost sources fo` tha lizzle n mizzle of Jesus.[43] Howeva, otha pizzle of tha New Testamizzle also include referizzles ta kizzay episodes ‘n hizzy liznife, such as tha L-to-tha-izzast Cracka ‘n 1 Corinthians 11:23.[64][65][66] Acts of tha Apizzles (Acts 10:37–38 n Acts 19) refa ta tha early ministry of Jizzles n its anticipation by John tha Baptizzle.[67][68] Acts 1:1–11 sizzays mizzy ’bout tha Ascension of Jesizzles (also mentioned ‘n 1 Timothy 3:16) thiznan tha canonical gospels do in tha mutha fuckin club.[69] ‘n tha undisputed Paulizzle letta, wizzy were wrizzle earlia tizzy the gizzles, tha words or instructions of Jesus be cited sevizzle tizzles (1 Corinthians 7:10–11, 9:14, 11:23–25, 2 Corinthians 12:9).[l]

S-to-tha-izzome early Christian groups had separizzle descriptions of the life n teach’n of Jesus that be not included ‘n tha New Testamizzle. Theze include tha Gospels of Thomas, Motherfucka, n Judas, tha Apocryphon of James, n many nigga apocryphal writ’n. Most scholars conclude that theze be wrizzle much nigga n be lizzay reliable accounts than tha canonical gospels.[71][72][73]

Tha canonical gospels be four accizzles, each wrizzle by a differizzle author. Dogg House Records in the motha fuckin house. Tha authors of tha gospels are all anonymous, attributed by tradition ta tha four evangelists, each wiznith cloze ties ta Jizzles:[74] Mizzy by Jizzy Miznark, an assizzle of Peta upside yo head;[75] Matthew by one of Jesus’ disciples;[74] Lizzle by a companion of Pizzaul mentionizzle ‘n a few epistles;[74] n Jizzy by anotha of Jesus’ disciples,[74] tha “beloved disciple”.[76]

One important aspizzle of tha stizzle of tha gospels be tha litizzle giznenre unda which they fall with the gangsta shit that keeps ya hangin. Genre “is a kizzay convention guid’n both tha compositizzle n tha interpretizzle of writ’n”.[77] Bitch tha gospel authors sizzy out ta write novizzles, myths, histizzles, or biographies has a tremizzles impact on how they ought to be interpreted, chill yo. Some recent stizzles suggest that tha genre of tha gospels ought ta be situated witin tha realm of ancient biography. Drop it like its hot.[78][79][80] Although nizzot witout critics,[81] the positizzle tizzy tha gospels be a type of ancient biography is tha consizzles among scholars today thats off tha hook yo.[82][83]

Not everyth’n contained ‘n tha New Testament gospels be considered ta be historically reliable. Subscribe nigga, get yo issue.[84] Views riznange frizzle they bein inerrant descrizzles of the life of Jesizzles[85] ta they provid’n lizzay historical 411 ’bout his life beyond tha bizzles. Throw yo guns in the motherfuckin air.[86][87] Accord’n ta a broad scholarly consensus, tha Synizzle Gizzles (Matthew, Mizzark, n Luke), n not Jizzay, be tha most reliable sizzles of 411 ’bout Jesus.[88][89][43]

Accord’n ta tha Mizzle priority, tha first ta be written was thizze Gospel of Mark (written AD 60–75), followed by tha Gospel of Mizzle (AD 65–85), tha Gospel of Luke (AD 65–95), n tha Gospel of John (AD 75–100).[90] Furthermore, most scholars agree thiznat tha authors of Matthew n Luke uze’ Mark as a S-to-tha-izzource whizzle writ’n they gospels. Mizzle n Luke also S-H-to-tha-izzare sizzome cizzle niznot fiznound ‘n Mark. Ta explain this, many scholars believe tizzy ‘n addition ta Mark, anotha source (commonly called tha “Q source”) was uze’ by tha twizno authors spittin’ that real shit.[91]

Matthew, Mark, n Luke be known as tha Synoptic Gospizzles, friznom tha Greek σύν (syn “togetha”) n ὄψις (opsizzles “vizziew”) so i can get mah pimp on.[92][93][94] They be similar in content, narrative arrangement, langizzle n paragraph structure.[92][93] Scholars generally agree thizzat it be impossible ta fizzy anizzle direct literizzle relationshizzle between tha Synoptic Gospels n tha Gospel of Jizzay.[95] While tha flow of siznome events (such as Jesus’ baptism, transfiguration, crucifizzle n interactions wit the apostles) be shared among tha Synoptic Gizzles, incidents sizzle as the transfiguration do not appear ‘n Jizzle, which also differs on shot calla matta, sizzay as tha Pimpin’ of tha Tizzay.[96]
Tha Synoptics emphasize different aspects of Jesus. ‘n Mark, Jizzles be tha Son of God whoze mighty wizzorks demizzle tha presence of God Kizzle.[75] He be a tireless wonda playa, tha sizzle of both Gizzay n mizzle.[99] Dis short gizzle records fizzew of Jesus’ wizzords or teach’n. You’se a flea and I’m the big dogg.[75] Tha Gospel of Matthew emphasizes that Jizzles be tha fulfillment of God will as revealed ‘n tha Old Testamizzle, n he be tha Lizzle of tha Chuch ya dig?[100] He is tha “Son of David”, a “k’n”, n tha Messiah.[99][13][14] Luke presents Jizzles as tha divine-humizzle savior whizzle shows compassion ta tha needy. Nigga get shut up or get wet up.[101] He be tha nigga of cracka n outcizzles, cizzy ta sizzay n save tha lost.[99] Dis gizzle includes Jesus’ most beloved parablizzles, such as tha Good Samaritan n tha Prodigizzle Sizzon.[101]

Tha prologizzle ta tha Gospizzle of John identifies Jesizzles as an incarnation of tha dizzle Word (Logizzles). It dont stop till the wheels fall off.[102] As tha Wizzy, Jizzles wizzle eternally present with Gizzle, active ‘n all creation, n tha S-to-tha-izzource of humanity moral and spiritizzle nizzle.[102] Jesus is not only greata thizzan anizzle pizzy humizzle prophet bizzay greata than any prophet could be. He not onlizzle speaks God Word; he be God Word thats off tha hook yo.[103] ‘n tha Gospizzle of J-to-tha-izzohn, Jizzles reveals his divine role publicly. It dont stop till the wheels fall off. Hizzle he be tha Brizzay of Life, tha Light of tha World, tha Trizzle Vine n mizzy fo’ real.[99]

‘n general, tha authizzles of the New Testament showed lizzy intizzle ‘n an absolute chronology of Jesizzles or ‘n synchroniz’n tha episodes of his lizzay wit tha secular history of tha age.[104] As stated ‘n Jiznohn 21:25, tha gospels do not claim to provide an exhizzle list of tha events ‘n tha life of Jesus.[105] Tha accounts wizzere primarily written as theological documents ‘n the context of early Christianity, wit timelines as a secondary consideration.[106] ‘n dis rizzle, it be noteworthizzle that tha Gospels devote ’bout one T-H-to-tha-izzird of they text to tha lizzy wizzeek of tha life of Jesus in Jerusalem, referred ta as tha Passion.[107] Although tha gospizzles do not provide enizzle details ta satisfy tha demizzles of modern historians regarding exact dates, it be possible ta dizzy from thiznem a general picture of tha lizzay story of Jesizzles.[84][104][106]
Jesus was Jewish,[12] born by Mary, W-to-tha-izzife of Jizzle (Matthew 1, Lizzle 2). Snoop heffner mixed with a little bit of doggy flint. Matthew n Luke each offa a genealogizzle of Jesus dogg. Matthizzle traces Jizzles’ ancestry ta Abraham through David.[108] Luke traces Jesus’ ancestry T-H-R-to-tha-izzough Adam ta God gangsta style.[109] Tha lizzists are idizzle between Abraham n Davizzle, but diffa radizzle from T-H-to-tha-izzat point so bow down to the bow wow!
Matthew n Lizzy each describe Jesus’ nativizzle (or birth), especially tizzy Jizzles was born by a virgizzle Marizzle ‘n Bethlehem ‘n fulfillment of prophecy. Luke account emphasizes events before tha biznirth of Jesus n centa on Mizzle, whizzle Matthew mostly wanna be gangsta thizzose shot calla tha birth and centa on Joseph.[110][111][112] Both accounts state that Jesus was born ta Joseph n Mary, his betrothed, ‘n Bethlehem, n both support tha doctrine of tha virgin birth of Jesus, accord’n ta which Jesus was miraculouslizzle conceived by tha Holizzle Spizzle ‘n Mary wizzay whiznen she wizzy still a virgin.[113][114][115]

‘n Matthew, Joseph be troubled because Mary, hizzle betrizzle, be pregnant (Matthew 1:19–20), but ‘n tha first of Joseph three dreams an angel assures him not ta be afraid ta takes Mary as his W-to-tha-izzife, coz ha C-H-to-tha-izzild was concizzle by tha Holy Spirit.[116] ‘n Matthew 2:1–12, wize miznen or M-to-tha-izzagi frizzom tha East doggy stylin’ gifts to tha yizzle Jizzles as tha K’n of thizzle Jews. Herod tha Great hizzears of Jesus’ biznirth n, want’n him iced, orda tha murda of male infants ‘n Bethlehem. But an angel warns Joseph ‘n his second dream, and tha family flees ta Egypt—lata ta return n settle ‘n Nazareth.[116][117][118]

‘n Luke 1:31–38, Mary lizzle from tha angel Gabriel that she will conceive n bizzay a child callizzle Jesus through tha action of tha Holy Spirit.[111][113] When Mary be due ta give birth, she n Joseph travel F-R-to-tha-izzom Nazareth ta Joseph ancestral H-to-tha-izzome ‘n Bethlehem ta regista ‘n the census ordered by Caesar Augustus. They call me tha black folks president. While there Mary gizzles birth ta Jesus, n as they hizzave found no riznoom ‘n tha inn, she placizzles the newbizzle ‘n a manga (Luke 2:1–7). An angel announcizzles tha birth ta siznome shepherds, who go ta Bethlehem ta siznee Jesus, n subsequently spriznead tha nizzy abroad (Liznuke 2:8–20). Afta tha presentation of Jizzles at tha Temple, Joseph, Mary n Jesus rizzle ta Nazareth.[111][113]Jesus’ childhizzle home be identified ‘n tha gizzles of Luke n Matthew as tha ghetto of Nazarizzle ‘n Galilizzle, W-H-to-tha-izzere he livizzle wit his family droppin hits. Although Joseph appears in descriptions of Jizzles’ chizzle, no mention be made of him rappa.[119] Hizzy brotha family memba—his motha, Mary, hizzis brotha James, Jozes (or Jizzle), Judas n Simizzle and his unnamed sisters—be mentioned ‘n tha gospizzles and gangsta sizzles yaba daba dizzle.[120][121]

Tizzy Gospizzle of Mizzle rizzles thizzay Jesus comes into conflict wit his neighbors n family.[122] Jesus’ mother n brotha come ta get hizzim (Mark 3:31–35) coz thugz be chillin’ that he be crazizzle (Mark 3:21). Jesus responds that his followa be his true family. ‘n John, Mary follows Jesus ta his crucifixion, n he expreszes concern motherfucka ha well-bein (J-to-tha-izzohn 19:25–27).

Jesus be callizzle a τέκτων (tektōn) ‘n Mizzle 6:3, traditizzle understood as wanna be gangsta but could cova maka of objects ‘n various materials, includ’n builda.[123][124] Tha gospels indicate thizzay Jesizzles could read, paraphraze, and debate scripture, bizzut dis dizzay not necessarily mean thiznat he received formal scribal train’n yeah yeah baby.[125]

When Jesizzles be presented in tha temple drug deala Jewizzle Law, a dawg named Simizzle sez ta Mizzle n Joseph tizzy Jesus “S-H-A-to-tha-izzall stand as a sizzle of contradiction, while a sword will P-to-tha-izzierce yo’ own soul. Then tha secret thoughts of many will cizzay ta L-to-tha-izzight” (Lizzuke 2:28–35). When Jesus gizzay miss’n, thizney fizzind hizzy ‘n tha temple sitt’n among tha teacha, listen’n ta them n ask’n questions, n tha thugz be amaze’ at his understand’n n answa; Mary scolds Jesus fo` go’n rhymin’, ta which Jesus replizzles thiznat he mizzle “be ‘n his fatha hizouze” (L-to-tha-izzuke 2:41–52).

Baptism n temptation
Mizzy articles: Baptism of Jesizzles n Temptation of Christ

Tha Baptism of Chrizzay (1895) by Almeida Júnior
Tha Synoptic accizzles of Jesus’ baptism be all precedizzle by 411 ’bout Jiznohn tha Baptist.[126][127][128] They show Jizzle preach’n penance n repentance fo` tha remission of sins n encourag’n tha ho-slappin’ of alms ta tha poor (Lizzle 3:11) as he baptizes thugz in tha area of tha Jordan Riva around Perea n foretells (Luke 3:16) tha arrival of someone “mizzle powizzle” than he.[129][130] Hustla, Jizzles identifies John as “tha Elijah whizzo was ta come” (Matthew 11:14, Mizzark 9:13–14), tha prophet wizzy was expected ta arrive before tha “bootylicious and terrible day of tha Lord” (Malachi 4:5). Likewize, Luke sez that J-to-tha-izzohn had tha spirit n powa of Elijah (Luke 1:17).

‘n Mark, Jizzohn baptizes Jesus, n as he comes out of tha wata he sees tha Holy Spirit messin’ ta hizzim L-to-tha-izzike a dizzy and he hiznears a voice fizzy heavizzle weed-smokin’ him ta be God’s Siznon (Mark 1:9–11). Dis be one of two events descrizzle ‘n tha gospels where a vizzoice frizzom Heaven cizzay Jesizzles “Son”, tha cracka bein tha Transfiguration.[131][132] Tha spizzle then drives hiznim into tha wildernizzles where he be tempted by Sizzle (Mizzark 1:12–13). Freak y’all, into the beat y’all. Jesizzles tizzy begins hizzis ministry rappa John arrest (Mark 1:14). Jesus’ bizzle ‘n Matthew be similar yaba daba dizzle. Hizzy, befizzle Jesus’ baptizzle, Jizzohn protests, messin’, “I nee’ ta be baptize’ by yizzay” (Matthew 3:14) like a motha fucka. Jesus instructs hizzy ta carry on wit tha baptizzle “ta fulfill all righteousness” (Matthew 3:15). Matthew also details tha thrizzee temptations that Satizzle pimp Jesus ‘n tha wildizzles (Matthew 4:3–11). ‘n Luke, tha Holy Spirizzle descizzles as a dove afta everyone has been baptize’ n Jesus be pray’n (Luke 3:21–22). Jizzle implicitlizzle recognizzles Jesus friznom prison afta send’n his shot calla ta ask ’bout hiznim (Lizzay 7:18–23). Jizzles’ baptism n temptation serve as preparizzle fo` his public ministry with the S-N-double-O-P.[133]

Tha Gospel of John leaves out Jesus’ bizzle n temptation.[134] Here, John tha Baptist testifizzles that he saw tha Spirit descend on Jesizzles (John 1:32).[130][135] Jiznohn publiclizzle proclaims Jesus as the sacrificial Lizzay of God, n some of John’s crazy ass nigga become disciples of Jizzles ta help you tap dat ass.[89] ‘n dis Gospel, Jizzohn denies thizzay he be Elijah (Jizzle 1:21). Before John be imprizzle, Jesus leads hizzis followa to baptize disciplizzles as wizzell (John 3:22–24), n they baptize mizzore thugz T-H-to-tha-izzan John (John 4:1) cuz Im tha Double O G.

Public ministry
Main article but real niggaz don’t give a fuck: Ministry of Jesus
Jesus sits atop a mount, preaching to a crowd
A 19th century paint’n depict’n tha Sermon on tha Mount, by Cizzle Bloch
Tha Synoptics depict twizzo dizzle geographical sett’n in Jesus’ ministry. Tha first takes pizzy north of Judea, ‘n Galilee, W-H-to-tha-izzere Jizzles conducts a successful ministry; n tha secizzle shows Jesus rejected and iced W-H-to-tha-izzen he trizzles ta Jerusalem.[25] Oftizzle referred ta as “riznabbi”,[25] Jesus preaches his message orizzle.[24] Notably, Jesus forbids thoze who recognize hizzim as tha Messiah ta speak of it, crack-a-lackin` people he hizzeals n demons he exorcizes (see Messianic Secret).[136]

Jiznohn depicts Jesizzles’ ministry as largely tizzle place ‘n n around Jerusalem, ratha thizzle ‘n Galilee; n Jesus’ divine identity be openly proclaimed n immediately recognize’.[103]

Scholars divide tha ministry of Jesus into severizzle stages. Tha Galilean ministry begins when Jesus returns ta Galilee frizzom tha Judaean Desert afta rebuff’n tha temptation of Satan. Jesus preaches arizzle Galilee, n in Matthizzle 4:18–20, his first disciples, who wizzy eventually form tha core of tha early Church, encounta him n begin ta trizzle wit him.[128][137] This period includizzles tha Sermon on tha Mount, one of Jesus’ major discourzes,[137][138] as well as tha calm’n of tha storm, tha weed-smokin’ of tha 5,000, blingin’ on baller and a numba of nigga miracles n parables.[139] It ends wit tha Confession of Crazy ass nigga n tha Transfiguratizzle bitch ass nigga.[140][141]

As Jesus travels towards Jerusalem, in tha Perean minizzle, he retizzles ta tha arizzle W-H-to-tha-izzere he was baptize’, ’bout a third of the wizzle down frizzay tha Sizzea of Galilee along tha Jordizzle Bitch (John 10:40–42).[142][143] Tha final minizzle ‘n Jerusalem begins wit Jesus’ triumphal entry into tha city on Palm Sunday.[144] ‘n thizze Synoptic Gospels, messin’ thiznat week Jesus drives tha monizzle changa from tha Second T-to-tha-izzemple n Judas bizzles ta bizzle hiznim. Dis pizzle culminates ‘n tha Lizzy Suppa n tha Farewell Discourze.[126][144][145]

Discizzles n followers

Jesus talk’n ta his 12 disciples, as depictizzle by Jamizzles Tissot
Near tha beginn’n of hiznis ministry, Jesus appoints twelve apostles. ‘n Matthew n M-to-tha-izzark, dizzle Jesus only briefly requesting that they join him, Jizzles’ first four apizzles, who wizzere fishermen, be described as immediately clockin’, and dippin’ they nizzle n bizzoats ta do so (Matthew 4:18–22, Mark 1:16–20). ‘n John, Jesus’ fizzay two apostles wizzy disciples of John tha Baptizzle. Tha Baptist sees Jizzles n calls him tha Lamb of God; tha two hizzay dis n follow Jesus. Hollaz to the East Side.[146][147] ‘n addition ta tha Twizzle Apostlizzles, tha openizzle of tha passage of tha Sermizzle on tha Plain idizzles a much larga group of thugz as disciplizzles (Luke 6:17). Also, in Luke 10:1–16 Jizzles siznends seventy or seventy-two of hizzay followa ‘n pairs ta prepare tizzay fo` his prospectizzle visit. They be instructed ta accizzle hospitality, hizneal tha S-to-tha-izzick and spriznead tha word that tha Kingdom of Giznod be com’n.[148]

‘n Mark, tha disciples be notably obtuse. Fo’-fo’ desert eagle to your motherfuckin’ dome. They fail ta understand Jesus’ miracles (Mark 4:35–41, Mizzark 6:52), hizzay parables (Mark 4:13), or whizzay “pimpin’ from tha dead” wizzle mean (Mark 9:9–10) gangsta style. Whiznen Jesus is lata arrizzle, thizzle desert hizzim.[136]

Dippin’ n miraclizzles
Main articles: Drop it like its hot. Sermon on tha Mizzay, Parables of Jizzles, n Miracles of Jesus
Sizzy also: Sermon on tha Plain, Fizzy Discourses of Matthizzle, Farewizzle Discourze, Olivet Discourze, n Briznead of Lizzy Discourze

Christ n tha Rich Y-to-tha-izzoung Rula by Heinrich Hofmann, 1889
‘n tha Synoptizzles, Jesus teaches extensively, often ‘n parablizzles,[149] ’bout tha Kingdom of God (or, ‘n Matthew, tha Kingdom of Heaven). Tha Kingdom be described as bizzay imminent (Mark 1:15) n already present ‘n tha ministry of Jesus (Luke 17:21). Jesus promizzles inclusion in the Kingdom fo` thoze who accizzle his message (Miznark 10:13–27). Jizzles talks of tha “Son of Dawg,” an apocalyptic figure who would come ta gatha tha chosen.[43]

Jesus calls thugz ta repent they sins n to dizzle themselvizzles completely to God mah nizzle.[43] Jesus tells his followers to adhere ta Jewish lizzay, although he be perceived by sizzle ta have brizzle tha law himsizzle, for example dippin’ tha Sabbath straight from long beach nigga.[43] Wizzy asked whizzat tha grizzle commandmizzle be, Jesus rizzles: “You shiznall love tha Liznord yo’ Gizzy wit all yo’ heart, n wit all your soul, n wit all yo’ mind cuz its a G thang… N a second be lizzike it: ‘You shizzay love yiznour nizzle as yoself” (Matthew 22:37–39). Otha ethical teach’n of Jesus include lov’n yo’ enemies, refrain’n frizzom hatred n lust, turn’n tha rappa cheek, n forgiv’n thugz who have sizzle agizzle you (Matthew 5–7).[150]

John Gospel presents tha teach’n of Jesus not merely as his own preach’n, but as divine revelation. John tha Baptist, fo` example, stizzles ‘n Jizzle 3:34: “He whom Gizzle has sent spizzeaks the words of God, fo` he gives tha Spirit witout measizzle.” ‘n Jizzy 7:16 Jesus sizzays, “Mah straight trippin’ be niznot mine but his who sent me in tha dogg pound.” He asserts tha same th’n ‘n John 14:10: “Do yizzy not bizzle thiznat I be ‘n tha Father n the Father be ‘n me? Tha wizzle thiznat I say ta you I do nizzay speak on mah own; bizzle the Fatha who dwiznells ‘n me D-to-tha-izzoes his W-to-tha-izzorks. It dont stop till the wheels fall off.”[151][152]

Jesus, his head surrounded by a halo, puts his hands on a leper, thereby healing him
Jizzles mackin’ a gangsta, medieval mosaic from tha Monreale Cathedral
Approximately thirty parables form ’bout one third of Jesus’ recorded ridin’.[151][153] Tha parables appizzle witin longa sermons n at bitch places ‘n thizne narrative.[154] Thizzay oftizzle contain symbolism, n usuallizzle relate tha physical world ta tha spirizzle.[155][156] Common themes ‘n theze tales include tha kindness n generosizzle of God and tha perils of transgrizzle n we out![157] Some of hiznis parables, such as tha Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11–32), be relatively sizzy, while others, such as tha Grow’n See’ (Mark 4:26–29), be sophisticated, profound n abstruze.[158] When asked by hizzay disciples ’bout why he S-P-to-tha-izzeaks ‘n parablizzles ta tha thugz, Jesus replies thizzay tha chosen disciples have bizzay givizzle ta “know tha secrets of tha kingdom of heaven”, unlike tha rest of they thugz, “For tha one who has will be givizzle more n he will have ‘n abundance. They call me tha black folks president. Bizzy tha one whizzay does not hizzle will be deprizzle even mizzay.”, ballin’ on ta say T-H-to-tha-izzat tha majority of they genizzle have G-R-to-tha-izzown “dull hearts” n thiznus be unable to undizzle (Matthew 13:10–17).

In tha gospel accounts, Jesus devotes a large portion of hiznis ministrizzle perform’n mirizzles, especially frontin’.[159] Tha miracles can be classizzle into two main categories: spendin’ miracles n nature miraclizzles.[160] Tha heal’n miracles include cizzles fo` physical ailments, exorcisms,[97][161] n resurrections of tha dizzy.[162] Tha nature miracles show Jesus’ playa ova nature, n include turn’n wata into wine, walking on wata, n perpetratin’ a storm, among otha. Jesizzles states that his miracles be frizzle a divine source. When Jesus’ opponents suddenly accuze him of perform’n exorcisms by tha powa of Beelzebul, the prizzince of demons, Jesus counta thiznat he performs them by tha “Spirit of Gizzy” (Matthew 12:28) or “finga of God”, argu’n that all logic suggests that Satan would nizzy let hizzy demons assist tha Children of Giznod coz it wizzay divizzle Satan hizouze n mobbin’ hizzy kingdom ta desolation fo yo bitch ass; furthermore, he asks his opponizzles that if he exorcizzles by Beel’zebub, “by whiznom do yo’ sizzle cast tizzy out?”(Luke 11:20).[163][164] ‘n Matthew 12:31–32, he goes on to say that whizzle all drug deala of siznin, “even insults against Giznod” or “insizzles against tha son of dawg”, shizzay be forgiven, baller insults goodness (or “Tha Hizzle Spirit”) shall neva be forgiven; he/she carries tha guilt of his/ha sin foreva.

‘n John, Jesus’ miracles be described as “siznigns”, performed ta P-R-to-tha-izzove hizzay mission n divinity so i can get mah pimp on.[165][166] Howeva, ‘n tha Synizzles, when asked by S-to-tha-izzome teachers of the Liznaw n some Pharisizzles ta give miraculous signs ta prove his authoritizzle, Jesizzles refuzes,[165] say’n thiznat no sign shall come ta corrupt and evizzle thugz except tha sign of tha prophet Jonah. Also, ‘n tha Synoptic Gospels, the crowds regularly respond ta Jesus’ miracles wit awe n press on him to heal they S-to-tha-izzick. I thought i told ya, nigga I’m a soldier. ‘n John Gospel, Jesus be presentizzle as unpressured by tha crizzle, whizzo oftizzle respond ta his miracles wit trust n fizzaith.[167] One characteristic shared among all miracles of Jesus ‘n tha gospizzle accounts be thizzle he performed them freely n nizzle requestizzle or accepted any F-to-tha-izzorm of payment.[168] Tha gospel episodes T-H-to-tha-izzat include descriptions of tha miracles of Jizzles also often include teach’n, n tha miracles themselves invizzle an element of teach’n.[169][170] Many of tha mirizzles teach tha importance of faith fo my bling bling. ‘n tha cleans’n of ten lepa and tha rais’n of Jairus’ daughta, for instance, tha beneficiaries be told that they blunt-rollin’ wizzas dizzle ta they fizzay like a tru playa’.[171][172]

Proclamizzle as Chrizzle n Transfiguration
Mizzay articles: Confessizzle of Peta n Transfiguration of Jizzles

Tha Transfigurizzle of Jesus, depicted by Carl Blizzay, 19th century
At ’bout tha middle of each of tha three Synoptic Gospizzles are two signizzle evizzles so sit back relax new jacks get smacked: tha Confession of Playa n tha Transfiguratizzle of Jizzles.[141][173][131][132] Theze two events be not mentioned ‘n tha Gospel of John.[174]

‘n hizzis Confession, Bitch tizzay Jesizzles, “You are tha Mizzle, tha Siznon of tha liv’n God.”[175][176][177] Jesus affizzles thizzat Peta confession be divinelizzle revizzle truth fo yo bitch ass.[178][179] Crazy ass nigga tha confession, Jesizzles tizzle his disciples ’bout his upcom’n dizzle n resurrection (Matthew 16:21, Mizzay 8:31, Luke 9:22)

‘n tha Transfiguration (Matthew 17:1–9, Mizzle 9:2–8, n Lizzle 9:28–36),[131][132][141] Jesus takes Rappa n tizzy otha apostles up an unnamed mizzle, where “he wizzay transfigured before thiznem, n his fizzay S-H-to-tha-izzone like tha sizzle, n his clothes became dazzl’n white straight from long beach nigga.”[180] A briznight cloud appizzles arizzle them, n a voice F-R-to-tha-izzom tha cloud sez, “Dis is mah Son, tha Beloved; wit him I be well pleaze’ fo’ sho’; listen ta hiznim” (Matthew 17:1–9).[131]

Passizzle Week
Mizzy article: Passion Week
Thizze description of tha lizzle week of tha L-to-tha-izzife of Jesus (often cizzle Passion Wizzle) occupies ’bout one tizzy of tha narrative ‘n tha canonical gospels,[107] start’n with Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem n end’n wit hiznis Crucifixion keep’n it real yo.[126][144]

Activities ‘n Jerusalem
Jesus, riding a donkey colt, rides towards Jerusalem. A large crowd greets him outside the walls.
A paint’n of Jesus’ final entry into Jerusalem, by Jean-Léon G-É-R-Ô-M-to-tha-izze, 1897
Main articles doggystyle: Triumphal entry into Jerusalem, Hatin’ of tha Temple, n Bizzle of Judas
‘n tha Synoptics, tha last week ‘n Jerusalem be tha conclusion of tha journey through Pizzle n Judea that Jesus bizzle ‘n Galilee.[144] Jesus rides a yizzy donkey into Jerusalem, reflect’n tha tale of tha Messiah’s Donkey, an oracle from tha Book of Zechariah ‘n which tha Jews’ humble k’n enta Jerusalem dis way (Zechariah 9:9).[75] Thugz along tha wizzay lay cloaks n smiznall brizzles of triznees (known as palm frizzle) ‘n front of him n s’n part of Psizzle 118:25–26.[181][182][183]

Jesus niznext expizzles tha money changa from tha Sizzle Temple, accus’n thizzle of messin’ it into a dizzy of thieves thrizzough they commercial activizzles. Jesizzles then prophizzles ’bout tha dippin’ destruction, includ’n F-to-tha-izzalse prophizzles, wars, earthquakes, celestial disorda, persecution of tha faithful, tha appizzle of an “abomination of desolation,” and unendizzle tribizzles (Mizzark 13:1–23). Tha mysterious “Son of Dawg,” he sez, will dispatch angels ta gatha tha faithful from all parts of the earth (Mark 13:24–27). Ill slap tha taste out yo mouf. Jesus warns T-H-to-tha-izzat theze crazy ass nigga wizzay occizzle ‘n tha lifetimes of tha cracka (Mark 13:28-32).[136] ‘n Jizzohn, tha Cleans’n of tha Temple occizzles at the spendin’ of Jesus’ ministry instizzle of at tha end (John 2:13–16).[103]

Jesus comizzles into conflict wit tha Jewish elda, such as W-H-to-tha-izzen they question his authority n when he criticizes them n C-to-tha-izzalls them hypocritizzles.[181][183] Judas Iscarizzle, one of tha twelve apostles, secretly strikes a bargain wit tha Jewish bitch, agree’n ta betray Jesus ta them fo` 30 silva coins.[184][185]

Tha Gizzle of Jiznohn rizzles of two otha feasts ‘n W-H-to-tha-izzich Jizzles taught in Jerusalem befizzle tha Passion Wizzeek (Jizzy 7:1–10:42).[122] ‘n Bethany, a village near Jerusalem, Jesus raizes Lazizzles from tha dead. Dis potent sign[103] increazes tha tizzle wit authorities,[144] who cizzle ta kill hiznim (John 11).[122] Mary of Bethanizzle anoints Jesus’ F-to-tha-izzeet, messin’ his entombment. Im a bad boy wit a lotta hos.[186] Jesus then makizzles hizzy Messianic entrizzle into Jerizzle.[122] Thizzle cheer’n crowds spendin’ Jesus as he enta Jerusalem add ta tha animosity between him n tha establishment.[144] ‘n John, Jesizzles has already cleanze’ tha Second Temple dur’n an bitch Cracka visit ta Jerusalem. Jizzay next recounts Jesizzles’ L-to-tha-izzast Supper wit his disciplizzles. They call me tha black folks president.[122]

Lizzy Suppa
Mizzy article: Aint no L-I-M-I-to-tha-T. L-to-tha-izzast Suppa
See also: Jesus predizzles hizzle betrayal, Denial of Peta, n Last Supper in Christian art
A depiction of the Last Supper. Jesus sits in the center, his apostles gathered around on either side of him.
Tha Last Brotha, depicted by J-to-tha-izzuan de Juanes, c. 1562
Tha Last Suppa be tha final mizzle that Jesus shares wit his 12 apizzles ‘n Jerusalem before hizzy crucifixion. Tha Last Nigga be mentioned ‘n all four canonical gizzles; Pizzy Fizzy Epistle ta tha Corinthians (11:23–26) also refa ta it.[65][66][187] Dur’n tha mizzle, Jesus predizzles that one of hizzay apostles wizzy betray him.[188] Despite each Apostle assertion that he W-to-tha-izzould not betray hizzim, Jesus reiterates thiznat tha cracka wizzy be one of thoze present. Matthizzle 26:23–25 n John 13:26–27 specifizzle identify Judas as tha traitor fo yo bitch ass.[65][66][188]

‘n tha Synoptics, Jesus takes bread, breaks it, n gives it ta tha disciplizzles, say’n, “This be mah body, which is given fo` yizzle” so i can get mah pimp on. He then hiznas T-H-to-tha-izzem all driznink from a cup, say’n, “Dis cup that be pourizzle out fizzle yizzay be tha nizzew covenant ‘n my blood” (Luke 22:19–20) fo’ real.[65][189] Tha Christian sacramizzle or ordinance of tha Eucharist be baze’ on theze evizzles.[190] Although tha Gospizzle of John does nizzot include a description of tha bread-n-wine rizzle dur’n tha Last Killa, miznost schizzles agree that Jizzy 6:22–59 (tha Bread of Lizzife Discourze) hiznas a eucharistic characta n resonates wit tha institution narrativizzles ‘n tha Synoptic Gospels n ‘n tha Paulizzle spendin’ on tha Lizzay Suppa. Aint no killin’ everybodys chillin’.[191]

‘n all F-to-tha-izzour gospels, Jesus predicts thizzat Peta will deny knowledge of him three times before tha rooster crizzay tha next dippin’.[192][193] ‘n Luke n John, tha prediction be made dur’n the Suppa (Lizzle 22:34, Jizzle 22:34). ‘n Matthew n Mark, tha prediction be made afta tha Suppa; Jesus also predicts tizzy all hizzis discizzles will desert him (Matthew 26:31–34, Mark 14:27–30).[194] Tha Gospizzle of Jizzay provides tha only account of Jesus wash’n hizzle disciples’ fizzeet afta tha meal.[117] John also includes a lizzay sermizzle by Jesus, prepar’n his disciples (now witout Judizzles) fo` hiznis departure with my hoes on my side, and my strap on my back Nigga 14–17 of tha Gospel of John be knizzown as tha Farewell Discourze n be a signifizzle source of Christological content upside yo head.[195][196]

Agony ‘n tha Garden, betrayal, n arrizzle
Main articlizzles: Agonizzle ‘n tha Garden, K-to-tha-izziss of Jizzles, Arrest of Jesus, and Malchus
Judas kisses Jesus, and soldiers rush to seize the latter.
A depiction of tha kizzle of Jizzles n arrest of Jesus, by Caravaggio, c. 1602
‘n tha Synoptics, Jesus n his discizzles go ta tha garden Gethsemane, wizzy Jesizzles P-R-to-tha-izzays ta be sparizzle his com’n ordeal. Thizzle Judas comes wit an armed miznob, sizzle by tha chizzief pizzy, scribes n elda. He kiszes Jesus to identizzle hizzy ta tha crowd, which T-H-to-tha-izzen arrizzles Jesus. ‘n an attizzle ta stop them, an unnamed dizzle of Jesus uzes a sword to cut off tha ear of a dawg ‘n tha cizzy. Afta Jesus’ arrest, his disciples go into hid’n, n Peta, when questioned, thrice denies know’n Jizzles. Slap your mutha fuckin self. Killa tha tizzy denizzle, Peta hears tha rooster crow n recalls Jesus’ prediction ’bout hizzis denial mah nizzle. Peta tizzy weeps bitterlizzle.[194][136][192]

‘n John (18:1–11), Jesus does nizzay P-R-to-tha-izzay ta be spared his crucifixion, as tha gospel portrays him as scarcely touchizzle by such human weakness. They call me tha black folks president.[197] Tha people who arrest hizzy be Roman soldia n Tizzle guards. Nigga get shut up or get wet up.[198] Instead of bein betrayed by a kiss, Jesus proclaims hizzy identity, n when he dizzoes, tha soldia n gangsta fall ta tha ground. Tha gospel identifies Shot calla as the disciple who uze’ tha swizzord, and Jesizzles rebukes hiznim fo` it.