All of the evidence that John is a twunk
It has recently come to my attention that some of you heretics think that John Egbert of homestuck fame is a TWINK despite insurmountable evidence to the contrary.
But ok, I will give you scoundrel twinkians the benefit of the doubt, perhaps you aren’t actively malicious crooked anarcho-primitivists who want to mail bombs to Jesus’s house and lead to the downfall of civilized society as we know it. Perhaps, you are just stupid or misinformed. I highly doubt it, but as I am a benevolent creature, I shall compile all evidence of John’s twunkiness right here in this post.
Exhibit A: John is frequently seen lifting gigantic disproportionate hammers all the time and swinging them around like they’re nothing. But this isn’t all, John’s lifting weight can actually be proven using FACTS and LOGIC. The Remote Ghost Gauntlets are said to increase John’s lifting weight by tenfold. The TELESCOPIC SASSACRUSHER can fit approximately 35 sledgehammers in it. A sledgehammer can weigh from 2 to 20 pounds, so I’m going to go with the mid range estimate and say that the sledgehammer in homestuck weighs 11 pounds. 11 times 35 is 385 and 385 divided by 10 is about 38.5. Since he’s lifting this with only one hand, double that to get 77 pounds. THEREFORE, pre-god tier John can lift AT LEAST 77 pounds, probably more, because he’s shown lifting the sassacrusher with relative ease with the aid of the Remote Ghost Gauntlets. This is superhuman level shit for a 13 year old to be lifting. Unfortunately I couldn’t find how superhuman this is because all the info I could find on the matter was about actually lifting weights with the right posture and everything and not just casually picking shit off the ground, but the average untrained adult man can barbell curl about 70 pounds if they’re going for 7-10 reps. John has been seen swinging around the sassacrusher for far more time then this, so presumably 13 year old John could lift even more.
Exhibit B: John knocking out Vriska (who is also a god tier) in one punch. Usually it takes minutes of sustained beating up of a god tier to knock them out even if you’re a fellow god tier, but all John needs is a running start.
Exhibit C: John beat up someone who was the most powerful entity in paradox space at the time and powerful enough to take control of the narrative with minimal effort because he didnt like the direction his fanfiction was going. To be fair he was far, far younger then John was and he was perpetually that way because he didnt mature correctly, but it’s still an incredible feat.
Exhibit D: despite being bleeding out and about to fucking die, John was still able to hold up Terezi.
Exhibit E: John has half of Degbert’s genes. He also has Jake’s genes and Jake is constantly said to be a hunk but who gives a shit about Jake
Exhibit F: John is strong enough to lift up Dave
Exhibit G: John was strong enough to grow an incredibly strong mustache without it rejecting it, unless he grew a hitlerstache or something.
Exhibit H: Calliope is the horniest asexual i’ve ever seen
Exhibit I: Vriska wouldn’t simp for him if he wasn’t at least a twunk or higher. (Please note: Tavros has the same body type as Joe from family guy. Expect me to prove that very soon.)
Exhibit J: John gets far more mangrit per level up then any other character we’ve seen rise on the echeladder. I.E, John is the only character who’s amount of mangrit we’ve seen rise at all.
Exhibit K: rws9pvwz9sm51.jpg
Exhibit L: John Egbert is an heir
Exhibit M: Celebrities are a universal constant in the homestuck universe
1. Therefore earth c will have all the same celebrities as earth and alternia did
2. It’s only 5000 years into earth c’s history, meaning earth c will have celebrities from around 5000 years into human history
3. John is a celebrity on earth c
4. Therefore, John (and by extension everyone else who has successfully won a sburb session and entered their new universe) were real during the Stone Age
5. Everyone was a twunk during the Stone Age
6. Therefore John (and by extension everyone else who has successfully won a sburb session and entered their new universe, unless of course they entered while it was millions of years into its history, in that case they might not be) is a twunk
Exhibit N: John is strong enough to hold onto Jade while she’s running at full speed
Exhibit O: John is compared to Nic Cage in [S] Reunite with your loving wife and daughter, which foreshadowed him and Roxy getting married as well as Rose becoming John’s daughter (technically). Meaning that John was at least as hunky as nick cage while they were married.
Exhibit P: John took away like 1/16th of Jack’s vitality with one swing, which is the only time we’ve seen a first guardian harmed by another person in any substantial way. Also LE is confirmed to have the same abilities as a first guardian, and if John wasn’t being an idiot during that fight and remembered how to use his powers he might’ve actually won.
If this immeasurably high pile of evidence somehow ISN’T enough then I have no clue what will be enough. I have calculated every rational rebuke to all of these, and there is a grand total of ZERO POSSIBLE WAYS you can deny that John is a twunk. Want even more proof you entitled twunk denier conspiracy theorist? Just go into your mom’s room, look at who’s fucking her. You cannot deny what you see with your own eyes and ears. And if you don’t see anyone, I’ll just remind you that YOUR SENSES can be wrong, mine can NEVER be wrong. If I say something which I sense is happening and you don’t see it happening, there is no doubt in my mind that you are the one at fault for remembering the event incorrectly. Even if you show me doctored photos and images, my senses and anecdotal evidence are far, far better then whatever vaccine-based photoshop fancy technology machine those big business communists can produce over at George Soros labs. And as my senses are far, far better than yours ever could be, I assure you that one day, you shall win the victory over yourself and accept me as the truth. O cruel, needless misunderstanding! O stubborn, self-willed exile from the loving breast! Two gin-scented tears shall trickle down the sides of your nose. But it will be all right, everything will be all right, the struggle will be finished. You shall love the truth, as it is the destiny of all men to kowtow before my ever expanding wisdom and light.