Recently, my roommate got a message from his girlfriend that she was going to go to the cinema for seeing Avengers: Endgame, and that she could bring two guests so he asked whether or not my roommate will come with her and if he knew anyone else who could come with them. I looked at my roommate with hope; after all, this is a pretty nice person, (mostly). But he just said that he’ll bring Pat. Now, Pat, that’s a perverted fat piece of shit we two know since Primary School. And he chose him over me? I couldn’t take it! But he just went and I waited four fucking hours, then he finally returned.

“Was it a good movie, motherfucker?” I asked

“Yeah, lulz. You’re pretty mad you didn’t see it, yes?” He said with a troll face.

“…” I replied.

“Well, since you didn’t see it, did you know (Insert Avengers: Endgame spoilers here)?” He said

Fuck, I thought. This dude literally skipped me, despite me being his mate and me wanting to see the movie so badly! So I thought ‘you had it coming, you cocksucker’, and I suffocated him with my anime body pillow.

“Oh no, what have I done” I would have said were I a pussy, but I’m not, at least not in this timeline. But anyways, I knew exactly what to do from this point on.

I gouged out his eyeballs, made them into a mush, and buried it in the garden. I cut off his nose, ears, and tongue, and made a smoothie out of them and a bunch of shitty fruits, and then made my ants eat it (yes I have ants, real fucking necrophages if you’re curious). I shaved his hair (not because I wanted a memento, but because hair doesn’t compose as far as I know) and broke off his fingers, and the bones on his fingers that nails would normally grow out of. I put this shit between a whole ton load of charcoal and also put some wax in it to make it sure my nosy neighbors won’t smell it. Then I lit it afire. I scooped out his brains with a hook (don’t ask me where I got one) and filled his empty head with humus and resin (i have no idea why, just felt the need to).

Next, I chopped his body into pieces. I chopped and chopped and every piece I flushed down the toilet (if even a drop of blood will stay there, staining my beautiful toilet, and someone notices, I’ll tell them I’m transgender and that I had a menstruation period, which is utter bullshit, but quite believable. His spine was too fucking big to flush down, and I couldn’t chop up his head, (except for his jaw), so I salted these, and put them into a garbage bag. I filled the rest of the garbage bag with a bunch of wood and was just in time for the garbage truck to arrive. Next, I cleaned up the house. I burnt my anime body pillow (so sad but I had to get rid of the DNA and the evidence). No stains of blood were left and I put most of his stuff on sale. All were sold the same night. But they were sold via the dark web so I don’t really think there’ll be much evidence. I deleted my account anyway, but there’s still a small chance they might discover who I sold the stuff to. Anyway, I also decided to destroy the laptop that was used for this and put the remains into another garbage bag.

There is absolutely nothing of him left. And I don’t really care if they find out now, because he got what he deserved.

\#totallynotfake #fuckspoilers #donttellthecops