I posted this recently, but here you go. My family will not let me live it down.

Mine was fairly recent, apologies for the length and fuck using a throwaway.

Back around Thanksgiving of 2011, I went up to Kentucky to eat with relatives at a Shoney’s. For those of you who have no idea what a Shoney’s is, think of a cheap, redneck buffet. Already having bowel problems from a nasty bug going around, I proceeded to shamefully stuff myself with sinfully bad fried chicken, creamy mac’n’cheese, turkey and mashed taters with brown gravy.

There must have been something in that gravy. Two hours later, I am starting to get the shit sweats. It was like my bowels were Morpheus and they were offering my brain the choice of two pills. I picked blue.

As I walk back to my brothers car, I hear him cuss. His keys are safe, inside the locked car. We hop a ride with our Aunt Di back to his parents house to get his spare keys and as we were nearing the BP gas station near their house, my bowels gave a miserable cry of defeat and I loudly and non-consensually unleashed the stankiest fart I have ever expelled. I exclaimed very loudly, “Oh god stop at the fucking BP” as my Aunt, 80 year old grandmother and brother were grimacing and complaining.

Winter was coming and it was going to be bleak. Aunt Di screeched to a halt at the curb of the BP and the moment I stepped out of the dark green mini-van and onto the concrete, the Hornburg of my Helm’s Deep had been breached and unleashed the mighty, soft brown Cthulhu/Soft Serve demon spawn from my rectum. I ran straight for the BP’s bathroom after grabbing the keys from the clerk. I removed all clothing the moment I got in. I took only a brief look at my underwear and shoved them in the sink, the water as hot as it would go and finished unleashing my Cthulhu babies, leaving a peanut-butter colored smear on the toilet seat, crying and vomiting from the smell at the same time. I cleaned up as best I could, cleaned the shit off of my hiking boots, washed it out of my jeans and redressed, discarding my dirty, mud-filled undies in the murky pool of sink water and leaving a shit storm of fecal matter and vomit.

Next came the walk of shame back to the mini-van, where my Aunt, Grandmother and brother were laughing hysterically, and later spread the story to the majority of my relatives. The story ends with me looking back as we began to pull out of the BP, and there was a lady headed towards that lonely, badly lit corridor that hid my demon spawn. I can only imagine the look of horror on her face.

TL;DR: I shit my pants during a ride to my brothers house, unleashed Cthulhu demon spawn in a BP bathroom, speckled my hiking boots with poop.