Bethesda used to get drunk every night, hit my mother. One Night, after Bethesda Strangled my mom, Interplay, he went upstairs into my room. He said he was high and horny and wanted to show me his Fallout 3. I said “no, the RPG mechanics aren’t like The originals! Please don’t do this!”

Bethesda then invited his friend Todd Howard into my room. Bethesda whipped out his Skyrim. It was so dumbed down when compared to Morrowind that I have PTSD just thinking about it. But then Todd did the unthinkable. He pulled down his pants, and showed me the most disgusting game I have ever seen. FALLOUT 4. It wasn’t anything like The original games. It was shallow, void of any RPG mechanics, and as vast as an ocean, yet only as deep as a puddle. I’ll probably have a PTSD attack from typing this. Todd and Bethesda kept shoving both of these… abominations in my face. I almost passed out, until a loud crash erupted from downstairs.

My bedroom doors burst open, and Geraldo and the Members of CD Projekt Red ran into the room. CDPRED stabbed Bethesda in the throat, and Geraldo decapitated Todd Howard in a cool slow motion move. He then turned to me, held out his hand and said “Come with me. I will take you to a place that has real and good RPG mechanics, Storytelling, boobies and a world as vast and deep as the biggest ocean!” How could I say no? I took his hand, and we rode off into the sunset.