“Dear F. Murray Abraham of New York, NY,

Brewing coffee with your dick is an old soldier’s technique from way back. I’m not surprised you couldn’t find good info on the Internet. If there are two things that the average young person is increasingly less in tune with, it’s the boundless wonders of his own dick, and good coffee.

I haven’t made coffee in my dick in quite a few years, and this is by no means a definitive guide. But here’s how I remember it:

First, and most importantly, use a penknife or X-Acto blade to cut three small slits on the top front quadrant of your dick. The steam will build up quickly and without these vents, your dick may balloon up like a knotted hose. Place about eight tablespoons of coffee grounds (or whatever will fit) in your dick’s Bethune chamber. Tamp it lightly with your thumb, and be sure to close the skin flap. For the water, there are two methods. The first is you must drink one cup of water as quickly as you can, and massage it through your body, from your stomach into your gut, down and up both legs, and into your dick’s Billroth pocket. The other option is to simply inject the water directly with an intravenous bag (a Ziploc will work too.) Now you must heat the water. You can use a lighter, or hover your dick over a candle. Do this until steam begins to emit from the slits you carved on the top front quadrant of your dick. Remove your dick from the heat and place it over your favorite mug or Thermos. Broach the soft underbelly of your dick with a spigot or pen casing. Repeatedly clench and release your dick’s Galen muscles, also known as the dick bellows. After about one minute of vigorous clenching, you’ll have a nice cup of coffee that not only tastes great, but fills you with a soldier’s pride. So there you go, Mr. Abraham! Remember to wash the spent grounds out of your dick’s Bethune chamber. Failure to do this may cause infection of your dick. I love your work in film, theatre and television.

—Dr. Ricky D. Dickdoctor, MD”