Three men try to open dio’s coffin.

Dio breaks out of coffin yelling AAAAAAAAAAAAAH

It turned out that DIO, DIO DIO DIO DIODIODIO

Old joseph joestar runs while panting

Joseph: SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT \*hits man\* SOMETHING IS QUI-

Plane

More joseph running and panting

Joseph: GET OUT

Jotaro: No

Joseph: GET OUT! \*Throws avdol at the cell

Jotaro: If i get out i will kill you with this \*star platinum appears\* funky purple dude who keeps conveniently giving me everything i want. Soda RC car gun. \*attempts to shoot self but star platinum grabs the bullet. Okay not doing that one again that was a little stupid

\*Magicians red melts bars\*

Avdol: Get out!

Jotaro: \*gets out\* Alright that’s it you’re-

Holly: Yaaaaaayyyyy\~!

Joseph: Good job avdol!

Jotaro: What a bother

Joseph: Alright so your funky purple dude is whats known as a stand and they are the physical manifestations of the fighting spirit and all have weirdly specific special and/or situational abilities. So only stand users can see other stands

Except for when they don’t

Joseph: Only stands can harm other stands

Except for when they don’t

Joseph: And all damage done to a stand will reflect to the user

Except for when they don’t!

Joseph: You need to pay attention and remember these new rules because NOTHING will make sense from now on otherwise

Jotaro: Cool

Mohammed Avdol’s Magician’s red: Shoots fire \~\~But it’s like, invisible fire because it’s stand fire so only stand users can see the fire, also there’s like 70 different named attacks he uses with varying degrees of frequency- Including like, there’s a compass thing he uses once and doesn’t really do anything and immediately dies after using- Oh oops wait you’re not supposed to know that yet\~\~

Joseph: My stand is Hermit Purple and my ability activates when i punch a camera WA-HAHH! \*Punches camera with his fist covered in vines\*

Jotaro: How did you figure that one out

Joseph: Trial and error

Joseph joestars Hermit purple. Punch a camera see a naked man

\*Insert picture of dio with a star birthmark and a fly next to him\*

Avdol: There he is!

Joseph: It’s DIO! He was about to take over the world but then my grandfather Jonathan Joestar killed him except he didn’t actually because DIO stole Jonathan’s body and i can tell because he’s got the star birthmark everybody in the joestar lineage definitely always had including me, You my daughter holly, and you my granson Jotaro

Holly & Jotaro: Wow i somehow never noticed

Joseph: It is your destiny to defeat DIO! and mine! It is both our destinies. Not yours- \*pushes holly away\* To defeat DIO, and he will be beaten, and-

Jotaro: Oh my god i don’t care

Kakyoin: \*Hierophant green comes out from behind Kakyoin\* I Kakyoin have been sent here by DIO to defeat-

Jotaro: OHH greeat is this what we’re doing then \*Star platinum punches kakyoin really really hard sending him flying into a tv\*

Noriaki Kakyoin’s Heriophant Green: I guess he possesses a body that one time but he mostly just shoots rocks

Jotaro: Okay so i guess since we’re all doing tarot cards for stand names. I will assert myself as one who passes judgement on others, thus i shall name my stand-

Avdol: YOU GET THIS ONE \*Throws the star 17 tarot card at jotaro\*

Star platinum: SUTAA PURACHINA

Jotaro: Uhhh Star Platinum it is then

Jotaro Kujo’s Star Platinum: Punchy boy \~\~And then some\~\~

Kakyoin: Look i know we got off on the wrong foot but i was being possessed by this DIO forehead squid would you mind if i became a main character?

Jotaro: Whatever

Joseph: Oh no! Holly’s developing a stand but it’s killing her!

Holly: Mild cough fever headrush dainty swoon faint! \*Faints onto a bed\*

Holly Kujo’s Who Cares: …I can’t possibly explain this without sounding sexist

Joseph: Not that this will make any sense in the greater canon but we need to save her by getting rid of her stand and we do that by killing DIO! …Probably. I can feel it it’s in my blood or whatever.

Jotaro: As the old adage goes, he cannot be beaten up unless I am standing next to him… …Unless… Unless I am close to him… Okay bad read don’t worry i’ll think up something more clever.

THEY FOUND IT IT’S THE FLY

Advol: It’s the fly!

Joseph: Let’s go to Egypt!

Advol Jotaro Kakyoin: Yes!

Plane

Dio:I HAVE USED MY OWN CAMERA PUNCHING ABILITY AND DISCOVERED THEY ARE ON A PLANE GOING IN MY DIRECTION GOOD THING I ALREADY PUT A SABOTEUR ON THAT PLANE WHICH I GUESS MEANS I KNEW IN ADVANCE THEY WERE GOING TO GO ON THAT PLANE MEANING I DIDN’T NEED TO PUNCH THIS EXPENSIVE CAMERA WHAT WASTE OF MONEY I WILL NOW PROCEED TO NEVER USE THIS ABILITY AGAIN AND HAVE SEX AT LEAST FOUR PEOPLE.

Advol Kakyoin: It’s the fly!

Gray fly: I hope it doesn’t say “Massacare” on the wall AAAAA \*stab\*.

Gray Fly’s Tower of Gray:Not actually a fly \*Plane crash\*

Joseph: This was a huge waste of time we almost killed like 70 people.

Jotaro: This is a;; your fault i’m never going on a plane again.

Kakyoin: Hey break it up you two-.

Star platinum: ORA \*boof\*.

Polnareff: Check this out-.

Jean Pierre Polnareff’s Silver Chariot: He has a sword Also he can take off his armor and it makes him, like- faster? Also he can shoot his sword, but only once…??.

Polnareff: Look i know we got off on the wrong foot but-

Jotaro: Yeah yeah forehead squid got it I anticipate we’ll either have a team of thirty by the end of this trek or we just so happen to coincidentally stop seeing forehead squids from this point forward

Polnareff: i will follow you to egypt to go find the man with 6 fingers uhh i mean the man with two right hands because he killed my father i mean my younger sister hey check this flashback out

DIO: I’M GOING TO CONVINCE YOU USING THIS FOREHEAD SQUID TO GO BEAT UP THE JOESTARS IN A YEAR I GUESS BECAUSE THIS FLASHBACK SCENE IS FROM A YEAR AGO WHICH IS A LITTLE CONFUSING ANYWAYS LOOK AT THIS CRYSTAL BALL IT SHOWS A VISION OF THE TWO RIGHT HAND MAN HAHA LOOK AT HOW CHARISMATIC I AM I WILL NOW PROCEED TO NEVER USE THIS ABILITY AGAIN OH LOOK IT’S 10 O’CLOCK FETCH MY TANKTOP I HAVE A DATE!

The plane didn’t work so now they’re taking a boat OH NO

Joseph: The boat didn’t work!

Kakyoin: Jotaro’s in the water

Imposter Captain Tennille’s Dark Blue Moon: He’s in the water

Polnareff: Wow i can’t believe you pointed at him so hard he exploded!

Jotaro: Natural Talent

\*VERY LOUD BOAT HORN\*

Forever’s Strength: Yes the orangutan is the user, Yes the orangutan has a name, Yes the boat is the stand, OH MY GOD THE BOAT IS THE STAND!

Joseph: No thanks!

Jotaro: How annoying!

Polnareff: What an exhausting trek please exit my fridge

Devo: YOU FOUND ME! HHGHHCHHGHCKCKK

Devo but doll: NOW YOU’VE ACTIVATED MY- HHGHGHKCKKGHKCK

Devo’s Ebony Devil: No no I mean, he gets stabbed right, and he gets angry, and the anger makes him possess the doll?

Joseph: Mirror mirror on the wall who’s the

Avdol: Wait you mean you don’t need to punch a camera to use your ability?

TV: Kakyoin’s gonna kill you!

Joseph: OH!

Fake kakyoin: I Kakyoin am going to kill you

Jotaro: You’re not kakyoin

Fake kakyoin: I can’t believe you saw through my ruse

Star Platinum: ORA! \*Boof. Also EPIC FORESHADOWING\*

Kakyoin: Goodness I say-

Rubber Soul’s Yellow Temperance: Look, I know ending last episode with a “Kakyoin’s a traitor” cliffhanger was a bit of a fib but it was cool for a second right? … right?

Polnareff: I have been attacked by the man with two right hands, I must go alone to fight for revenge!

Joseph: …Or you could not

Polnareff: THIS IS MY BATTLE TO WIIIIIN

Hol Horse: Imma getcha

Polnareff: THE ENEMY!

Hol Horse’s Emperor: GUN \*Bang\*

Avdol:Oh jeez whatever will i do! uhhhhhhhhhh

Avdol’s dead…?

Polnareff: I will have my revenge!

J. Geil: My foolproof strategy will involve revealing myself to you and yelling at people HEY Y’ALL

Polnareff: HHGHGHKCKKGHKCK

J. Geil’s Hanged Man: Technically not a man in the mirror

Enyaba: Get my good side \*Click\* \*Splurt\* Oh nooo

Joseph: The next thing you will dsy is “Chumimin”

Arm goop: …chumimi- \*DONK\*

Nena’s Empress: Arm goop

Kakyoin: Road trip!

ZZ:Duel 1971 vroom vroom

Kakyoin:What

ZZ’s Wheel of Fortune: Duel 1971 vroom vroom

Joseph: I’m exhausted again let’s pit stop in the literal worst town ever

Enyaba: Hello welcome to worst town ever I am not evil don’t mind the zombies

Polnareff Nice lady, nice lady, right? What a nice lady

Enyaba: \*angery\*

Hol Horse: I have returned!

Enya: No you haven’t!

Hol Horse: Correct!

Polnareff: Hello nice lady!

Enyaba: aaaaAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Enyaba’s Justice: See where incorrect breathing GETS YOU

Joseph: Wow i can’t believe you breathed so hard she imploded!

Jotaro: “Natural Talent?”

Polnareff: Interrogation begin!

\*BANG\*

Polnareff: Well I tried!

Steely dan: Hello you cannot punch me-

Starplatinum: ORA \*boof\*

Joseph: MY KIDNEY

Steely dan: Or else you will hurt Joseph Joestar!

Polnareff and Kakyoin: Uh Oh

Jotaro: FUCK

Steely Dan’s Lovers: So Jotaro was just left alone with someone he’s not allowed to punch I can ony imagine this will go well

Kakyoin: Not that this will make any sense in th egreater canon but we must enter Joseph’s brain by becoming super small which is something we could definitely always do and fighting the enem-

Polnareff: THE ENEMY

Kakyoin:… E-enemy’s stand

Joseph: I shall provide a live feed and commentary! …Which is something I also definitely could always do

Hierophant Green: We found him no we haven’t yes we have!

Polnareff: He’s out!

Kakyoni: We did it!

Steeldan: Uh Oh

StarPlatinum:ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAOA ORA! \*Boof\*

Arabia Fats’s The Sun: Lol

Kakyoin Joseph Jotaro: Lol \*Smack\*

Joseph: Man Egypt sure is far away!

Jotaro: Hey, something we actually agree on

Joseph: Do you think that means-

Jotaro: Yh- Wait, no, we’re not-

Joseph: Maybe we could-

Jotaro No we’re not tslking-

Joseph: Maybe we could fly

Jotaro: WE’RE NOT TAKING A PLANE

Joseph: Fly the rest og the way?

Jotaro: JIJI

\*Plane\* …Oh \* Crash\* GODDAMMIT

Kakyoin: IT’S ALL THE BABY’S FAULT wait no it’s not … WAIT YES IT IS

Mannish Boys Death 13: Tally-ho but said wrong

Polnareff: Hey look it’s Avfol!

Gray Avdol: I’m not Avdol i’m… Gray… Avdol.

Polnareff: Wow

Judgement: HAVE YOU WATCHED ALADDIN

Polnareff: That ain’t out yet

Judgement: Uhhhh then this might take a hot minute to explain

Cameo’s Judgment: Morph dirt

Advol: It is I, Mohammed Advol, and I am alive again! Now when i,m winning I do a little dance that’s my new thing

Polnareff: Wow I like this new Advol! Hey guys, Advol’s alive!

Joseph: Yeah duh hey look a method of transport we haven’t been attacked in yet!

Polnareff: WHAT DO YOU MEAN “YEAH DUH”

Joseph: I can only see this going well

Everyone: AHHHH AHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH

Midler’s High Priestess: Morph mineral

Jotaro: The sea sucks! Nothing good ever happens in the sea!

Midler: You cannot destroy the teeth, it is as hard as diamonds, and diamond is unbreakab- \*Teeth destroyed\* Bb … Diamond is unbrehh… blehh

Joseph: We’ve arrived in Egypt!

Advol: We’re also pretty much out of tarot cards so we must be almost done!

Kakyoni: …Definitely

DIO: GOOD WORK THAT’S IT FOR TODAY TEAM, TIME TO MOVE OUT BECAUSE I GUESS THE INCIDENTAL CHARACTER SPEEDWAGON FOUNDATION FOUND OUT WHERE I LIVE SOMEHOW

Delivery man: Delivery

Joseph: Look, it’s our new dog friend main character companion! He has 3 funny quirks 1 He chews hair 2 He farts when chewing hair! 3 He eats coffee gum? What a funny wacky character! Also he’s a stand user

Iggy: Woof

Iggy’s the fool Morph sand… Car

N’Doul: Here I go i’m gonna getcha

Kakyoin: Ahh, goodness gracious… uhhhhhhh

N’douls Geb: Attacked by water? in the DESERT? OH what irony

\*Plane\* \*tbh\*

N’doul: i’ve got you now

\*DOG\* WOOF

Jotaro: You have been defeated now tell us who- Good grief!

N’dould: I may have destroyed my brain but I will first detail a bit of handy exposition for your consideration, your next set of stand-user villians including me are all based on the 9 Egyptian gods extending this series roughly an extra 20 episodes have fun fighting a bird and a sword despite that flashback scene exclusively showing humanoid charachters, bleh

jotaro: Hey so we need to defeat 9 Egyptian gods

Joseph: So you mean we have to defat 8 Egyptian gods?

Jotaro: Yes, we need to defeat 6 Egyptian gods

Joseph: Got it!

Oingo and Boingo: …Oops- OOPS- Oops-Oops- \*Explosion\*

Oingo’s Khnum – Morph faaaace

Boingo’s Thoth – Book that you read and nothing else

Polnareff: I will gte you now that polanareff has the sword!

Jotaro: That would be threatening if punching the sword wasn’t an option

Polnareff What do you mean punching the sw- \*ORA\*

Anubis’s… Anubis: evil sword nyehh >:)

\*bzzt\*

Joseph: HBGBGBBGHBHBGHBH

Jotaro: Hello Polnareff-shaped child

\*avdol flies into joseph\*

Mariah’s Bastet: \*ELECTRICAL OUTLET\*

Alessi’s Set: Shadow ax child Polnareff penis

Jotaro, Polnareff, Avdol, And Joseph: You wouldn’t believe what we just had to deal with

Polnareff Avdol And Joseph: it was weirdly sexual!

Jotaro: what

Joseph\* WA-HAH! \*Le camera punch\* New image!

Avdol: It’s DIO’s building

Jotaro: We must approach DIO to approach that building.. Wait, no, other way around

Daniel: I know where that building is but you must gamble with me

Daniel J. D’arby’s Osiris: \*Subpar Pokemon Battle Jingle imitation\*

Daniel: You will play the cat game will the cat go left or right

Polnareff: Right

Daniel: Hey cat go left!

Cat: Meow \*Goes left\*

Daniel: You lost the cat game

Polnareff: \*Sucked into a poker chip by osiris\* BuuaAHHH

Joseph: Play the drink game!

Daniel: Roll for precision

Joseph: Twenty

Daniel: Not good enough

Joseph: Yh- w-what do you mean nOT GOOD ENOWAAAAHHH- \*Le sucked in\*

Daniel: Play the card game!

Jotaro: Wow i have the best cards I’m so good

Daniel: What!

Jotaro I’m just the absolute best at this game i can’t be beat

Daniel: HHGHHRHGRHHGG \*Table flip\*

\*Pop\* \*Pop\*

Polnareff: Wow

DIO: RHINOCEROS BEETLE RHINOCEROS BEETLE-

Hol Horse: I have returned!

DIO: \*Timestop teleports behind hol horse\* NO YOU HAVEN’T

Hol horse: Correct!

DIO: RHINOCEROS BEETLE RH-

Hol horse: Hello child together we are invincible and will defeat the oops

Boingo: Oops

\*Explosion\*

Polnareff: Today in Polnareff teaches about foreign culture! Do not sit down! Tip your kettle over! Never drop your things! You are always paying too much! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A TOILET

Iggy: It is time for my episode.

Pet shop: It is i bird cacaw! \*Chops off iggy’s leg\*

Pet shop’s horus. Under pressure but bad

Joseph: We have located the Taj Mahal or whatever!

Avdol: Thanks to our old pal Iggy

Iggy: I hate this everything hurts!

Kakyoin: Also I’m back and wearing a new pair of snazzy sunnies! …You know, for protection

Can’t tell who’s talking: We must enter the building!

Terrence: Play my video games \*Shlorp\*

Polnareff and avdol: No no no no no

Terence T. D’arby’s Atum: OH THATS A BASEBALL!

Jotaro: First try idiot

Polnareff: Well it’s been two seconds time to burn the whole building down.

Avdol: Wait! What if we instead went inside to locate the enemy oursel-

Polnareff: THE ENEMY!

Iggy: Woof!

Kenny G.: Blehh

Avdol: Oh neat

Kenny G’s Tenor Sax: …eeehhhh he’s dead now so whatever

DIO: THEY HAVE APPROACHED MY HIDEY HOLE HERE IN THE TAJ MAHAL OR WHATEVER PROVE YOUR LOYALTY BY CHOPPING OFF YOUR HEAD

Vanilla Ice: \*Le slice\*

DIO: HEHHEHHEHHEH COOL

Meanwhile in the taj mahal or whatever

Avdol: Fl- \*Cream munched\*

Polnareff: Oohhhh nooo!! This couldn’t get any worse!!!

\*Iggy is cream munched\*

Polnareff: AAHHHHH GAAHHD

Vanilla Ice’s Cream: A SNAKE HEAD EATING THE HEAD ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE!

Polnareff: I found you!

DIO: TO BEAT ME YOU MUST APPROACH ME!

Polnareff: Okay!

DIO: ZA WARUDO! \*Time stops then moves polanreff down the stairs while making sounds of either pain or fatigue\* I’M VERY INTIMIDATING

Polnareff: Goodness gracious! Hey guys, so everybody’s dead and DIO’s confusing

Joseph: Sucks! But sounds about right

Polnareff: We should attack him now!

Joseph: We should not!

Polnareff: Good idea let’s do both

\*Jotaro and Polnareff on a motorcyle noises\*

\*DIO flying through the air making a Shhhhhhhhhh noise\*

\*Kakyoin and joseph using their stands to web sling\*

Kakyoin: Why were we never doing this before!

Joseph: ALWAYS WISH UPON A STAR!

Kakyoin: I have an idea on how to learn DIO’s ability! I will create this web and-

\*Quick time stop end result\*

Joseph: Good job kakyoin!

\*Kakyoin hits water tower and dies\*

\*Joseph falls off building\*

Joseph: Hey Jotaro! DIO’S ability is to stop time-

DIO: ZA WARUDO! I WIN, NOW I WILL- OH, GODDAMN MAGIC SUNLIGHT BULLSHIT NYEH! \*Dio throws knife\*

Joseph: HGUEHGH

DIO: IT’S TIME FOR OUR FINAL BATTLE

Jotaro: I have to get closer before i can shit on you- Agh- DAMMIT

\*Video end fake out\*

DIO: ZA WARUDO! HAHAH! YOU’VE BEEN JAPED! IT WAS DIFFERENT TO WHAT YOU WERE EXPECTING I BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING

DIO’s THE WORLD: Punchy boy Oh and- \~\~Also the ability to stop time for up to five seconds, in which the user can move around and interact with people and objects, including but not limited to: Polnareff, knives, hierophant green’s very invincible emerald splash, heavy duty construction vehicles, Jotaro, occasionally not Jotaro, oh wow remember when dio punched a camera and used a crystal ball yeah those are abilities he has too, ahhhhhhhhhhh\~\~

Star platinum: \*Ora barrage\*

DIO: \*Screaming muda\* WE APPEAR TO BE SIMILAR IN STRENGTH AND SPEED I HOPE THIS DOESN’T TRANSLATE INTO OTHER SIMILARITIES ZA WARUDO. \*Time stop\* I’M GONNA GETCHA

Jotaro: E

DIO: WHAaAaAaAaT THE FUCK!!

\*time stop end

DIO: WHAT WAS THAT?

Jotaro: What was what

DIO: THAT THING YOU DID

Jotaro: A loser says what

DIO: WHAT?

Jotaro: Aaahahhahhahah

DIO: ZA WARUDO! \*Time stop begin\* OHH IT WAS JUST A MAGNET YOU LITTLE WEENIE YOU

Star platinum: ORA! \*Punches dio\*

\*Dio goes flying into trash cans\*

DIO: GGBRGRGRGB \*Smash\* I HATE THIS AND I HATE YOU ZA WA- \*Time stops just showing end result which is just teleporting basically\* OHHH GREAT IS THIS WHAT WE’RE DOING THEN ZA WARUDO! \*Le time stop\* NNNYBHBEHHYBYHEBHYH \*Dio throws a thousand knives\*

Jotaro: Uh oh \*Time resumes\* \*Goes flying\* uuueeeeeeeeeehh Oh no, I’ve been got ugyaaa i’m definitely dead.

DIO: TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF-

Polnareff: \*Stabs dio with silver chariot in the forehead\* WAHA!

DIO: \*Time stop to knock polnareff away while not seeming to have taken damage\* TIME TO FINISH YOU OFF!! WAIT ARE YOU DEAD?

Jotaro: …Yes

DIO: OKAY THEN I-

Star platinum: ORA! \*Le punch\*

DIO \*Goes flying\* UGGHEGGMEMGGBBGEBGBGBG \*small time stop and goes by while holding car\*

Jotaro: Give me a fucking break uh oh

DIO: NOW I’M SUPER DUPER POWERED AND FULL OF JOESTAR BLOOD EVEN THOUGH TECHNICALLY I WAS ALREADY FULL OF JOESTAR BLOOD BBBBRRFBBRFFFF \*Time stop. AGAIN\* LOOK AT ME GO LOOK AT ME GO AREN’T I JUST THE BEST DON’T THINK TOO HARD ABOUT WHERE I GOT THIS LIPSTICK FROM

Star platinum: ORA \*Le failed punch\*

DIO: OH NO HERE COMES THE JOJE SURPRISE I CAN STOP TIME FOR EVEN MORE SECONDS NOW

Jotaro: Not that that wording makes any sense-

DIO: ZA WARUDO!! \*ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING TIME STOP\*

\*clock ticking sounds\*

DIO: ROAD ROLLER DAA!! \*Muda barrage on road roller daa!\*

Jotaro: \*Time stop teleport onto road roller\* surprise BITCH!

Star platinum: \*Le hard punch\*

DIO: WRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY

And then DIO’s head exploded

Jotaro: \*Slaps joseph’s dead body\* Hey! Wake up! Are you alive again?

Joseph: ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic canonically exists in the JoJo universe!

Jotaro: …Okay he’s back

Polnareff: I’m still alive too!

Jotaro & Joseph: Hurrah!

Polnareff: Good talk bye!

Jotaro: Call me!

Meanwhile in Japan

Holly: WOAW

Hey remember when this story was about vampires? me neither Anyways so DIO’s body melts in the sunlight

Joseph: Okay so we may or may not’ve lost half of our crew and killed countless bystanders but at least DIO’s dead! …Definitely. …Definitely. …Definitely? …Re- Really? Ah uh… Okaym well uhh… Time to go see my wife who I have a healthy monogamous relationship with! …Ah, oh wait

Jotaro: Yare Yare Da-

TO BE CONTINUED

Walk like an egyptiaaan

Look, they stopped using Roundabout by this point in the show? So I- I thought- I thought maybe like i should. \*ROUNDABOUT CAMEO!\*