1: **A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!**

2: **How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.**

3: **What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? The water. Butane is lighter fluid.**

4: **What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? Loafers.**

5: **A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,…**

6: **The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place…**

7: **What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? She draws a blank.**

8: **I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.**

9: **I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.**

10: **An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the…**

**11: You’re an American in the kitchen, what are you when you’re in the bathroom? European!**

12: **”What did Mississippi let Delaware?” “I don’t know, but Alaska!**

13: **The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric…**

14: **“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”**

15: **My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.**

16: **Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.**

And the best of them all

17: **-Dad, I’m hungry, -HI HUNGRY, I’M DAD!**