I know a lot of people love this fucking bat hero, but is he really a super hero?

When I think of a bat, I think of three things: flight, radar, blindness.  Does Batman possess any of these?  Nope.  His only power is unlimited money.  He can’t even talk to bats which is sad. Not to mention his enemies are fucking lame. Clowns, crocodiles, midgets, and walking refrigerators?  These are all things that belong in a Stephen King novel, not a believable superhero comic.

Batman also has a cape that can fucking deflect bullets. A THIN ASS CAPE THAT DEFLECTS BULLETS?! They never have and they never will.  A Kevlar cape strong enough to deflect bullets would weigh like 300 pounds and would be ridiculous to wear around the rooftops of Gotham.

He’s also a dick to Robin

Anyway, when did Batman last save the day? Thursday? That was when the Joker blew up that convent and then terrorized that kid’s birthday party, right? How did that end? Oh yeah – Batman punched him a lot and then drove him to Arkham Asylum. That’s some old-school justice right…wait. What’s that, old-timey radio announcer? The Joker just escaped Arkham? And he’s riding a donkey to the orphanage? Oh no!

You see, Batman doesn’t ever fix any problems. He fights some lunatic, beats them to a pulp, and delivers them to a prison system that is woefully unprepared to deal with the likes of woman who can grow trees, corcidle people, and whatever this guy is supposed to be.

Gotham sure seems like a crappy place to live. High crime rates, high poverty, a revolving-door prison system, and a tragically understaffed police department don’t really create an image of a safe or smart place to raise a family. And I live in Cleveland, so that statement says a lot. Zing!

But seriously: Bruce Wayne is one of the richest fuckers in the (fictional) world. He has corporations on every continent. He has defense contracts. He could use dollar bills as toilet paper, clog up his solid gold toilet, and then hire a third world country’s worth of plumbers to fix it. Or not. I don’t know what rich people do.

The point is, Bruce Wayne is ridiculously wealthy, and how does he spend his money? He buys himself a Morgan Freeman to build all kinds of bat-themed weapons and vehicles so he can wage a one-man war on pursesnatchers and burglars. He jets around the world, learning martial arts, criminology, and scary voicing from the world’s masters, all the while giving a big middle finger to the stockholders footing the bill. But really, who can blame him? He’s training to fight criminals. Surely this is the most effective means to do so?

Uh, no. No it isn’t. Remember that understaffed police force we talked about earlier? How about throwing some money their way? A few million would buy the police force body armor, new vehicles, renovations for the various stations, and the funding to hire more than enough well-trained officers to keep the city safe. Bruce Wayne could even volunteer his services, like a modern-day Sherlock Holmes, to help crack some of the GCPD’s more difficult cases. Everybody wins!

So thats my reason of why batman is fucking garbo