Redneck Horse
A Screenplay by Richard Pump
EXT. NEW HAMPSHIRE – AFTERNOON

Foolish Pro Gamer DR. BLUNGUS FRONGLE is arguing with Naïve Horse MS. HORSINA MCHORSEY. BLUNGUS tries to hug HORSINA but she shakes him off.

BLUNGUS
Please Horsina, don’t leave me.
HORSINA
I’m sorry Blungus, but I’m looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
BLUNGUS
I am such a person!
HORSINA frowns.

HORSINA
I’m sorry, Blungus. I just don’t feel excited by this relationship anymore.
HORSINA leaves.

BLUNGUS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, well-endowed Horse Pleasurer SIR KRINGLE HINGOLOID barges in looking flustered.

BLUNGUS
Goodness, Kringle! Is everything okay?
KRINGLE
I’m afraid not.
BLUNGUS
What is it? Don’t keep me in suspense…
KRINGLE
It’s … a Horse … I saw an evil Horse munch a bunch of horses!
BLUNGUS
Defenseless horses?
KRINGLE
Yes, defenseless horses!
BLUNGUS
Bloomin’ heck, Kringle! We’ve got to do something.
KRINGLE
I agree, but I wouldn’t know where to start.
BLUNGUS
You can start by telling me where this happened.
KRINGLE
I was…
KRINGLE fans himself and begins to wheeze.

BLUNGUS
Focus Kringle, focus! Where did it happen?
KRINGLE
Costa Rica! That’s right – Costa Rica!
BLUNGUS springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD – CONTINUOUS

BLUNGUS rushes along the street, followed by KRINGLE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. COSTA RICA – SHORTLY AFTER

CLETUS BLUEGRASS a Redneck Horse terrorises two horses.

BLUNGUS, closely followed by KRINGLE, rushes towards CLETUS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

KRINGLE
What is is? What’s the matter?
BLUNGUS
That’s not just any old Horse, that’s Cletus Bluegrass!
KRINGLE
Who’s Cletus Bluegrass?
BLUNGUS
Who’s Cletus Bluegrass? Who’s Cletus Bluegrass? Only the most Redneck Horse in the universe!
KRINGLE
Blinkin’ knickers, Blungus! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most Redneck Horse in the universe!
BLUNGUS
You can say that again.
KRINGLE
Blinkin’ knickers, Blungus! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most Redneck Horse in the universe!
BLUNGUS
I’m going to need Phallus, lots of Phallus.
Cletus turns and sees Blungus and Kringle. He grins an evil grin.

CLETUS
Blungus Frongle, we meet again.
KRINGLE
You’ve met?
BLUNGUS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago…

EXT. A PARK – BACK IN TIME

A young BLUNGUS is sitting in a park listening to some Country music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees CLETUS. He takes off his headphones.

CLETUS
Would you like some Chocolate-covered testicles?
BLUNGUS’s eyes light up, but then he studies CLETUS more closely, and looks uneasy.

BLUNGUS
I don’t know, you look kind of Redneck.
CLETUS
Me? No. I’m not Redneck. I’m the least Redneck Horse in the world.
BLUNGUS
Wait, you’re a Horse?
BLUNGUS runs away, screaming.


EXT. COSTA RICA – PRESENT DAY

CLETUS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
KRINGLE
(To BLUNGUS) You ran away?
BLUNGUS
(To KRINGLE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
BLUNGUS turns to CLETUS.

BLUNGUS
I may have run away from you then, but I won’t run away this time!
BLUNGUS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

BLUNGUS
I mean, I am running away, but I’ll be back – with Phallus.
CLETUS
I’m not scared of you.
BLUNGUS
You should be.

EXT. HELL, MICHIGAN – LATER THAT DAY

BLUNGUS and KRINGLE walk around searching for something.

BLUNGUS
I feel sure I left my Phallus somewhere around here.
KRINGLE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly Phallus.
BLUNGUS
You know nothing Kringle Hingoloid.
KRINGLE
We’ve been searching for ages. I really don’t think they’re here.
Suddenly, CLETUS appears, holding a pair of Phallus.

CLETUS
Looking for something?
KRINGLE
Crikey, Blungus, he’s got your Phallus.
BLUNGUS
Tell me something I don’t already know!
KRINGLE
The earth’s circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
BLUNGUS
I know that already!
KRINGLE
I’m a horse lover.
CLETUS
(appalled) Dude!
While CLETUS is looking at KRINGLE with disgust, BLUNGUS lunges forward and grabs his deadly Phallus. He wields them, triumphantly.

BLUNGUS
Prepare to die, you Redneck Apple!
CLETUS
No please! All I did was munch a bunch of horses!
HORSINA enters, unseen by any of the others.

BLUNGUS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those horses were defenceless! Well now they have a defender – and that’s me! Blungus Frongle defender of innocent horses.
CLETUS
Don’t hurt me! Please!
BLUNGUS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use these Phallus on you right away!
CLETUS
Because Blungus, I am your father.
BLUNGUS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

BLUNGUS
No you’re not!
CLETUS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
CLETUS tries to grab the Phallus but BLUNGUS dodges out of the way.

BLUNGUS
Who’s the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, CLETUS slumps to the ground.

KRINGLE
Did he just faint?
BLUNGUS
I think so. Well that’s disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly Phallus.
BLUNGUS crouches over CLETUS’s body.

KRINGLE
Be careful, Blungus. It could be a trick.
BLUNGUS
No, it’s not a trick. It appears that… It would seem… Cletus Bluegrass is dead!
BLUNGUS
What?
BLUNGUS
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
KRINGLE claps his hands.

KRINGLE
So your Phallus did save the day, after all.
HORSINA steps forward.

HORSINA
Is it true? Did you kill the Redneck Horse?
BLUNGUS
Horsina how long have you been…?
HORSINA puts her arm around BLUNGUS.

HORSINA
Long enough.
BLUNGUS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Cletus Bluegrass.
HORSINA
Then the horses are safe?
BLUNGUS
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable horses enter, looking relived.

HORSINA
You are their hero.
The horses bow to BLUNGUS.

BLUNGUS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Cletus Bluegrass will never munch horses ever again, is enough for me.
HORSINA
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the horses passes BLUNGUS a Magical horse seed

HORSINA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
BLUNGUS
I couldn’t possibly.
Pause.

BLUNGUS
Well, if you insist.
BLUNGUS takes the horse seed.

BLUNGUS
Thank you.
The horses bow their heads once more, and leave.

BLUNGUS turns to HORSINA.

BLUNGUS
Does this mean you want me back?
HORSINA
Oh, Blungus, of course I want you back!
BLUNGUS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

BLUNGUS
Well you can’t have me.
HORSINA
WHAT?
BLUNGUS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Horse to death before you would believe in me. I don’t want a lover like that.
HORSINA
But…
BLUNGUS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin – my best friend, Kringle.
KRINGLE grins.

HORSINA
But…
KRINGLE
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
HORSINA
Blungus?
BLUNGUS
I’m sorry Horsina, but I think you should skidaddle.
HORSINA leaves.

KRINGLE turns to BLUNGUS.

KRINGLE
Did you mean that? You know … that I’m your best friend?
BLUNGUS
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly KRINGLE stops.

KRINGLE
When I said I’m a horse lover, you know I was just trying to distract the Horse don’t you?
THE END