Over this Christmas, I have been trying my best to get what is known in the business as a ‘ghostie’. Now, being jargon, this may not be familiar to you; it is a poo that comes out so clean you don’t even need to wipe more than the first time (and even then only to discover that the paper is clean). However, thus far my efforts have been in vain, but today, I think I may have achieved something even greater.

As I was sitting on the toilet, going for a really clean poo, I came across a problem almost immediately: the sudden rise in frequency of poos had caused a gigapoo, impossibly wide – too wide – for my asshole to handle. However, as I thought all hope was lost, the gaseous hydrocarbon methane came to my aid: gliding through my bowels, its low density allowed it to funnel between the poo and the rim of my asshole, carrying it along in its current and removing friction, possibly even widening my asshole in a sensation that felt equally as a fart and a poo.

My immediate sensation was a relieved pleasure familiar to anyone who has taken the time to enjoy the aftermath of an anal evacuation. However, in the span of about 10 minutes, my pleasure quickly became pain as the ramifications of stretching my asshole so wide became apparent.

On one hand, my body felt lighter than air after having jettisoned so much mass, but on the other hand, it was a ring of infernal flames down there, but also numb at the same time after all the force and pressure that had acted upon my bowels.

In spite of this, I would still recommend this experience to anyone willing to try, since every high has an equal comedown, and I think the trade is worth it. Good luck!