***As a genderfluid autosexual stethoscope, at the age of 69, I find Jake Paul to be quite arousing. I find him even more arousing than intercourse between worms. My heart yearns for his approval, and his videos really tickle my tuna. I feel as though Jake Paul is the only one on earth who appreciates me for me. I love him, and I know he loves me, for who I am. That’s why every night I sacrifice a virgin in his honor. Then I dab on them because they’re h8rs. It might be hard, but I do it for the ruler of my God Church, Jake Paul. It is truly everyday bro.***