Don’t play Ark with your girlfriend.

I know probably common sense but anyone out there thinking this would be a cute idea just don’t.

We both learned how the game worked at the same time but I originally took the leading role crafting our first thatch house and making us tools to survive and I actually quite enjoyed it. I kept her safe and put a roof over her head while she picked berries and eventually started gathering wood and thatch.

Good times.

Then I decided we needed to tame our first dinosaur and it had to be the Parasaur, I grew up with horses and it seems the most horse like so I put a few tranq darts into one and hurray our first ever dino! So I put the saddle on there thinking I’ll call him Malcolm after our old Gypsy Vanner horse and as I turn around after getting some berries for the road she’s on him… and his name is “piggaliscious”.

What the fuck is a piggaliscious and why are you on MY Parasaur?!

Anyways I let it go and tame a Moschops called Bert and things are fine.. other than me watching her ride Malc-sorry-“piggaliscious” into the sunset as Bert’s chunky legs can’t keep up bless him.

Fast forward and we make a start on the Crystal Isles map. She’s the host this time and decided to make a log cabin in the burnt forest. She turns into a bossy little bastard and makes me do the hard work while she sits at home playing with her new pride and joy (That I tamed).. a Dire bear. So I decide “screw you!” and I make my own stone two floor house with even an accessible roof for Steven Seagull (my Pelagornis) so I’m finally free… right until Stalin decides that my house is her house and now I frequently have a damn BEAR in my living room stinking up the place. She at least keeps it clean if the bear shits as she storms towards it like Dobbie on crack to put his baked goods on her plants.

The absolute final straw however… and I’ve not since recovered from it. We decided to go hunt some artifacts (I was actually hoping she’d get eaten on the way to be honest) and some of them are under water. So I decide to tame a frog as I’ve never had one before and both frog and Steve Seagull actually make a very good team, she demands I risk my life to tame her a Sarco because of course she does and we get ready to go artifact hunting the next night.

The next night I come online and I’m hit by “I played a bit before you came on and I took Steven and the frog for an adventure… they’re gone, bear is here though!”. My Pelagornis that actually had okay stamina after training it and my amazing frog are gone… not dead, just she left them somewhere and can’t find them (I also lost Barbara the Baryonyx because of the little tyrant).

So she’s going to be finished I think, how can I raise kids with someone in the future when she’d probably take them to the park and lose them? It may sound harsh but a lot of it I can stomach, getting between me and my frog though was fucking inexcusable especially when I see her and the damn bear waving at me with its shit eating grin.

Anyways… don’t make my mistake.